Step Up 2 Life

Eyes Wide Open

2011-12-08T16:22:00.000-08:00

It was a morning just like any other. And as I merged onto the highway, still trying to force my eyes out of their sleep, I was reminded that no day is like any other when you are living for the King. It was exquisite. Perfectly painted and displayed like a showcase of the finest art, almost as if to say, "look what I made for you". You gotta understand, I'm not exactly a morning person, and sunrises are usually passed by in a zoned-out state of sub-conscious exhaustion. But this one...this one made me smile, laugh even. A perfectly drawn line appearing as a horizon, separating a half risen sun from a deep blue sky of oceanic proportion. I felt like I was back in California, driving on the 1...gazing over the ocean. Just when I was missing Cali so much, God paints me a picture reminding me that he is personal. That he loves me just that much. Extravagant Love, knowing no bounds.

He is jealous of our love, because it is a personal love. And as I examine my life, my "story", I have to marvel at his personal appearance throughout it all. A never-ending, continual pursuit of my heart. For that is what this life is about. It was just the night before, that I was crying out his Name, seeking comfort amidst the pain of this life. And I surprised myself, calling him Daddy. Now i've tried this name out before with him, trying to understand what this exactly meant, trying to grasp the meaning of this concept. I wanted to learn, but I was far from feeling a half of its truth. It was forced...sound intention, but still forced. This time was different. I was crying from my heart to my Daddy. And I realized that even in such terrible pain and agony, the beautiful love of God pours forth into my story. I think...that maybe it is in those times that we reach the end of ourselves, that we are in better position to reach out. To soften our distrusting hearts and pursue him back. As we turn around and take a look back on our stories, don't diminish or deny those times of excruciating pain. It is in those times, that you will see God's pursuit of you all that much clearer. He is so beautiful. Don't forget to look back, it is what propels us forward.

The Greatest Of These Is Love

2011-11-06T17:53:00.000-08:00

I love justice. Those of you that truly know me are prolly echoing in agreement. You see, it is justice that drives the innermost passions of my soul. God speaks highly of righteous justice, and I believe his holy justice is so near to his heart. But it's not the bulls eye center. That belongs to Love. Justice is a whole lot easier for me to grasp, than its relative, love. I have only recently been learning about this love thing and all it entails. Love is the greatest, because it is God's essence. It is also the hardest, for this reason. It requires much more out of us...or, at least it does, me. Strength to forgive, like I've never known. Do you know how difficult it is to forgive, IN LOVE, someone who has betrayed you to your very core? I find that it's a daily process, wherein, one day it comes with ease, and the very next day it takes all that I have and more...it takes Jesus. The price is death. Death to ourselves...those human and sinful tendencies to protect yourself and preserve your heart from hurt. A call for total surrender of self, pride, control, safety as we know it...an action of serious humility. Love. Beckoning our hate to be laid at the feet of Jesus and be picked back up with its transformation to grace. I haven't been able to do this in my power...I think that's the point. We live this life with two options...to live it in our own power, while declaring Jesus but not actually fully opening the door to his redemptive work; or...we bust the door open, choosing, everyday, to welcome him in. Which of these two choices will result in true change? We desire this Love Movement to spread across the world. Let us be the first to respond, to ignite the movement within our own hearts. To choose Love, even when it hurts.

Modern-Day Love

2011-10-31T12:32:00.000-07:00

We live in a world of love stories. Everywhere we go, we are bombarded with what "love" means: Flipping through a magazine, watching the newest Hollywood film, turning on the radio, combing the clothing rack in the mall...Love exists! But what is the quality of this love that envelops our everyday? Most of this "love" is clothed in lies, lies that have been instilled in us since entering this life. In actuality, it is often the furthest thing from love. It is lust, dominion, self-protection, self-acquiring of needs, it is tainted with sin...with us. It is not what unbelievers are looking for, because it is nothing new. If we cannot love one another as fellow believers, the way God sees love, how are we to love unbelievers? How are we to love our enemies? How are we to wake up a world to truth? Satan has used forms of "love" to destroy. Relationships, friendships, families...not just between one another...but also between us and God. For if we do not fully understand love, then we are missing who God truly is; for He IS Love.

I was recently reminded of a passage I once read daily: Psalm 139. God prompted me to redeem the message through these verses because it had become words that were full of brokenness and hurt. He reminded me that the truth in those words were still true, because they were always HIS words. God is the author of love, so why do we so often look outside of his truth to gain understanding of this love? We end up confused, disoriented, hurt, and unable to deliver truth to others in it's wholeness.

Hosea had it right on. Or, rather, God through Hosea. What a privilege to be used by God as a vessel for portraying to the world what Love really looked like! That Hosea would continue to purely love someone who would regularly betray him. That Jesus loves us purely, as we continually mess up...he loved us, while we were at our worst. That place in which all of us can look back upon and think, he really loved me then? Yes. He Loved. He loved without lust, without dominion or power, without self-protection and without the purpose of fulfilling his own needs. This is how we are to love. This is the kind of Love that we need to be displaying to the world that we live in. Let us peel back the cultural graffiti of lies that have distorted Truth.

Kingdom Politics

2011-10-17T17:09:00.000-07:00

1 President, 535 members of Congress, 100 Senators, 2 mainstream political affiliations. These numbers seem to control more than politics...they seem to have reached their control and power to the very heart of the American citizen. We attribute all of this country's problems to the core of Washington, while believing, that the everyday American, has lost all influence...we are sheep that are blindly led to the slaughter. We cannot influence our surroundings, our cities, let alone our country. And we continue to walk in this self and nation-defeating lie.

It's funny, I battle the same war with the students that I counsel throughout the day. They have this mentality of survival, no hope of influencing their lives to any ounce of improvement. Our mindsets are caged and shackled. Those above numbers represented within our government, while holding much power in their hands, hardly come to a fraction of the entire United States. Imagine if we were actually United. Imagine what kind of power and influence we could conjure. What if we brought that influence and unity into the realm of faith. Can you imagine? I can. I see a nation where churches weren't concerned about owning their "turf" of a congregation or denomination...where social justice causes were the reason for DC marches and stand outs...where we, as Christ's followers, took care of one another...reaching our range of influence from state to state...across borders of nationality and race, creed or color. United for the common goal of living past mere survival...living to influence.

How can I get up each day if I believe I can't make a difference? This nation's sickness goes deeper than D.C., it goes to the core of beliefs of every individual who walks these streets of life. We must change our mindset first. Change is only possible from the inside out. We, the everyday American, are the inside. We have the power to influence. And, I dare say, As followers of Christ, we have the responsibility to choose such influence.

Identification

2011-10-04T17:05:00.000-07:00

So many times we are quick to point fingers, to label the sin and the sinners it belongs to. We feel the need to make it clear to God that we weren't "apart of this or that sin", as if God doesn't know and see everything already. God is both Justice and Love. We don't have to sway him to know truth. Maybe we should consider the opposite approach; a concept of identification that the old time prophets, Ezra and Nehemiah, so graciously walked out. Identifying with the sin of others. Replacing the "you's" with "we's", lifting others' sin upon our own shoulders...walking beside, sharing the burden...Identification. Implying that we are so moved to the grievance of sin, and it's consequences of bondage upon God's people, that we enter the muddy waters, grab hold of the sin in our own hands, and cry to God on behalf of his children. What if America's leaders were to identify with the national sins that this country has committed, both throughout history and as we speak? What if leaders, today, were to attach sin to their name so as to ask for forgiveness? I keep getting this image of Jesus, stretched out...wreathing in pain with all of the sin of the world to his name. He took responsibility for our sin. He identified in order to bring grace and freedom. A leader leads out in taking responsibility for the actions of his/her team...their people. Let us follow in leading out as imitators of this most humble and gracious, Jesus, who in his identification of our sin, became our Savior.

God Wins.

2011-09-02T21:21:00.000-07:00

I get a lil bit defensive of my God when I hear people giving undeserved and disillusioned power to the opposing team, Satan and his army. Yes, believe me, I am prolly, more so than most, aware of the powerful spiritual battle that takes place all around us...and within us, even; but I also believe that we take away from God's supreme power and the freedom of choice that he has so lovingly given us, when we blame Satan and his crew for every bad thing; or when we sign his name to something he cannot take credit for.

Yes, Satan has influence...but his power comes only through what we allow him to hold over us. Christ has already claimed and proven his victory over evil. God has already won. He has supreme power and as his children, we have complete access to this victorious living. And we have the power of choice. Stating that you need to live in fear of evil spirits attaching to you does not line up with God's truth. Evil has no authority over us. We have authority in Christ. We give Satan his ammunition, WE give him his access to our thoughts...our beliefs...WE give him as much influence as he has. And we open that influence wide when we choose to believe his power reigns without our consent.

This is why it is so vital to take every thought captive. Test for truth. Battle for Truth. Because Truth has already overcome. God has already won. And through His victory, he has enabled us to be victorious as well.

Color, Outside The Lines

2011-09-02T20:49:00.000-07:00

I've known for a long time, now, that I'm different...that I'm not exactly what you'd label as "mainstream normal". When I was 5 years old I remember laying in bed half the night pondering the intricacies of societal injustices and ways to combat their existence. I also was aware enough to recognize that most 5 year old's most likely did not fall asleep to the same thoughts. It's a few years later, and I haven't changed in this way...I've only added to my processing and visionary mindset.

What I have changed, is my view of myself. Where I was considered myself to be "weird" and attempted to smooth myself out into more of a "normal pattern"...I now embrace my differences as uniquely God-given. I have had a lot of people, even friends exhort me into being more "rational"...more "practical"...more, of what they were. Much criticism comes when people don't understand or feel threatened...when their box is pushed into a different shape or the thought itself threatens to dent their perfection that they have created for themselves and hold as truth. But I am not here to please man. I am living this life out in order to please only One. And for my God, I will live what he created and intended me to be...how he formed me to think...to see this world...to pursue the passions only He has so permanently burned on my heart.

I will follow him...his form and pattern...because in this plan, alone, is where I will find him in abundance and be filled with his all for my life. It is in this obedience, where he will be most glorified, through my life. For he intended the color to spill out over the "lines" when he made me...and I'm okay with that.

Photojournalism 4 Justice

2011-09-02T15:24:00.000-07:00

My passions are finally coming together...

Vision:

To travel the world, joining forces with local organizations that are fighting human trafficking and other injustices, through photojournalism. The vision is to capture the injustices that plague nations in order to tell people's stories and raise awareness through photography and journalism. The integration of social work...I wish to, then, focus efforts in enhancing communities and providing job skills through photography and writing in order to decrease poverty and subsequent human trafficking or forced prostitution. The vision is to teach these skills not only to those in need, but also community leaders, churches, etc., in order to empower communities from within. Injustice needs a face. Human trafficking victims and survivors need a face. And America needs to see and hear. That is the vision. These are my goals.

Logistics:

I am opening this vision up to anyone who has similar visions and passions, to join me...if not in the field or traveling to the desolation, then, perhaps through donations. I am wishing to collect digital cameras...old, new...just have to be digital so that I can transfer the pictures that people take and place them on the computer (website) or print them from the computer to be sold. Pencils and pens...so that they can write out their stories, which is also very therapeutic. Notebooks/paper...to write in.....camcorders that you don't use anymore! I am working on saving for and buying my own camera accessories, so if you have any lenses, etc., that you are looking to sell...hook me up with the info! (Anything that is compatible with a Canon DSL) Also...I welcome any ideas that you may have that could better serve this mission, not only in preparation, but also in implementation.

Time-Frame:

Obviously...this is more of a long term vision/goal. I am currently thinking about embarking on this vision from a year from now. However, this will require a lot of planning and provision, so the faster I can collect the supplies that I need, the faster I can focus on the other details and connect with various organizations with a solid plan and materials in place.

Please consider partnering with me in this vision in order to combat the injustices that plague every nation of this world.

Survivor Set Free

2011-08-03T18:36:00.000-07:00

God has been blowing my mind the last couple days. New revelations...new freedom...a continued new life that seems a daily progression of downloaded Truth gifts.

Who am I? Where I once would answer that "I'm a survivor"...I now have had my eyes open to a whole new revelation of who I am. In Christ. I am His. Where I once would take pride in being a survivor...I now have been made aware of the identity that I have placed in this label...and consequent maladaptive thinking attached and rooted within this identity. And it falls outside the realm of abundant living...it falls outside of my true identity as a daughter and servant of Christ. And for these reasons...I am moved to change. For I want nothing less than everything I can attain in Christ and for Christ. I do not want "me" negatively influencing others...bringing my defenses, and my self-preservation into ministry, affecting others in a way that does not bring the most glory to God's kingdom. I have seen it happen with others I've worked with in ministry; and I myself, at times, have responded the same. It is not pretty. It is not glorifying. It is actually counter-productive. God deserves better. Those around us deserve better...and we deserve better, ourselves. We deserve abundant life...well, actually i'm not sure if we "deserve" it...but God offers it unconditionally, and for that reason, we should pursue it! Why should we feel entitled to living as a victim...a survivor...anything that is not completely God-centered?

With the idea of survival comes many unGodly concepts that I have seen in myself: self-protection, untrusting, dependence on self, identification with brokenness, pursuing acceptance from others vs God, and I could prolly sit here and think of many more...but you get the point. My foundation of identity has not been fully centered in the truth of who God claims I am, as his. Because...I have been holding onto the idea that being a survivor is just who I am...I have not been taking hold of my whole inheritance...I have not been taking full responsibility of transforming the whole of my mind to line up accordingly to how Jesus sees me and who he calls me to be. This has only occurred to me within the last couple days and I'm not sure if I even realized that I was living with this discrepancy of beliefs in identity until now. This new revelation has been so freeing!!!!! I have seen God in a whole new light. Why he offers us stubborn people such grace-filled abundant living is beyond any words. I am blown away by being his. I am in awe and in love with a God I am obviously still learning so much about.

I don't have to self-protect...because God protects me. I don't have to distrust...because my trust is placed wholly in a God who never fails me...never disappoints...never abandons, rejects, disowns, never takes his love away. I don't have to depend on myself...my dependence is rooted in God. When he says he has my back...he means it. When he says he is proud of me...he doesn't take it back. I choose to identify, not with brokenness (although, lets face it, we all are)...but I choose to claim my inheritance of a restored and set free mentality. I don't need acceptance from others...I have a Father who accepts me...all of me. In pursuing such a foundation of identity that is rooted in Christ, satan is no longer able to work with unresolved roots of beliefs attached to holding merely a survivor identity. And the process of living this life in abundance of Christ is made even more a reality. You see life clearer...people's rejection, problems, conflict...they are brought into a light in which you can proceed objectively and with a better reflection of Christ's love versus our own defenses being at work. I think it's called freedom. And i'm feelin that! I know I have a lot more to learn...but thanks to all of those who have stood by me through my learning process! Let us continue to pursue all of who Christ is and all of who we are...as his.

My First Love:

2011-07-26T20:08:00.000-07:00

People not only can possibly fail us...they, frankly, will fail us. If you judge morality and the thousands of decisions you have to make within a given lifetime, according to human standards, then right and wrong becomes subjective. Truth becomes distorted. And God's best slips through our hands into the blurred lines of a world so prone to self-protection and the compulsion of doing whatever feels right or good according to him or herself. We take God out of the equation. We become the god of our lives, and our friends, mentors, family, lovers, become the voice and reason of the holy spirit. We base our faith on others, not God. While I hold, firmly, that all of the above persons should be voices that are capable of speaking into our lives, and directing us towards Truth...I believe that we too often stop our quest for truth short of THE TRUTH. The source of all that is good and righteous. We love something more than Love himself. We idolize. We spiritualize. We rationalize. We give our love and devotion short of who is truly deserving of it.

I will hold fast to my first Love. While so many others have failed me, I am constantly reminded that my Father has never, nor will never fail me. I am constantly reminded that my Lover has the whole of my heart because I have all of his. Yes, I wrote that right, he is my Lover...because our relationship is one of intimacy. He, seeing into all of who I am and I, learning how to see into all of who he is! And he is infinite. He will never come up short of showing us something new about himself on any given day. How cool is that?! How loved are we...that the Creator of this entire universe would long to reveal himself to us and have us reciprocate our pursuit of him. Over and over again...my Savior's personal rejection within his own life, paints a picture of such pure love, that all I can do is yearn for more of him. I am only held accountable to one. And he is who I will live for. He has my heart in his hands...my first love...always.

Keepin It Real

2011-07-02T15:17:00.000-07:00

I'm quick to break it down for you my current situation in terms of "what's going on" around me...but i realized this week that its harder for me to let people know how those things are affecting me. It's a matter of admittance. I know what I think the appropriate "Christian" answer should be, but some of me is still struggling to get on board with that conclusion. It is even harder for me, I realized, to admit my struggling to God. In trying to be "good"...I was not being real with a Father that knows every depth of me anyway. Since leaving YWAM LA, I have encountered many obstacles that I, being an extreme idealist, did not expect lol. My car died...3 times. I am still unemployed after a month of being home. I am broke. My school loans and transcripts were frustrating beyond words. And while through much of my time here, I have honestly been very at peace knowing that I am where I should be...and more so than not, clinging to the faithfulness I now know that is my God, there are still times in which I become extremely discouraged. It has been in this discouragement that I have learned a very important aspect of God. He already knows...and He still loves me, and more than that, he desires me to be real with him in and through these darkest moments. That is a true friend. One that I can trust with ALL of me...good and not always so good! It was not until I admitted these feelings to God and hashed it all out with him, that I could stand even firmer on the truth of who he is and his promises. I don't have it all together, I don't think I ever will. And I kinda hope I don't, because then I would be missing that great need for a Lord that is so greater than myself. It is so refreshing to get real with God. And I'm sure it is even more refreshing to him.

"Church", The Bride of Christ: A True Heart Reflection??

2011-06-03T15:05:00.000-07:00

The American church today. Can we really see Christ's heart in it's reflection? The church is stated as being "The bride of Christ"...the importance of the church, therefore, is obviously implied as acting as the cornerstone of Christ's love. But, in analyzing the American church today, I believe it falls short of representing Christ's heart...not exactly capitalizing on the depths of his love. Today, we have more churches located throughout the United States than ever before, but we have a matching increase in crime, drugs, orphans, gangs...etc. We don't have to do too much analyzing to realize that the church is not making much of an impact within these areas of society.

The majority of churches that I have witnessed have "church" within the walls of their own buildings...love not exactly reaching much past the doorsteps, let alone to the brokenhearted, orphans, or widows. okay...i get it! We want our lil planned out, safe, comfortable n convenient lives, right? Let's keep church to Sundays...our faith to the pews...and our relationship a religion? Isn't that how it works? Then we don't have to get our hands messy. We don't have to enter into the fight of this world. We can keep a clean look and act like we're interested in social justice by sporting a t-shirt or spending a week on a church outreach to a disadvantaged country. We can talk amongst ourselves bout that crazy love of Christ...grow a lil bit, but only to the extent where it doesn't put a jolt in our lifestyle. This is the church of today. This is what i see, at least, and i betchu that it is the same view of most people that look in on our lil feel-good social gatherings with a scowl. And a no doubt why they do!!! Come on! A bunch of hypocritical business if you ask me...i'ma just keep it real on this beat right here. We're missin it, church. We're missin that crazy love of acting as representatives of the Bride of Christ. And America is feelin it. The war is waging outside our built up walls and we are satisfied to sit it all out on the sidelines. I could be wrong, but i don't think this is what God had in mind when he called us forth as his bride...when he promised us all the gifts of his Spirit...and more miracles than even Jesus, himself, performed. Our faith should be ever-changing...dynamic...abounding in acts of love to those outside those white walls.

Let's start to get a lil messy. Let's open our eyes to the war waging around us and take up our swords. How are we reaching out to the orphans and widows...how exactly are we being challenged...where are we feeling uncomfortable? If we aren't...something is very wrong. If we are satisfied...we are in trouble. Small groups spurring one another on in the faith is great...but for what? So that our now strong faith sits within our own hearts? Not to be shared with another within our own communities? I was watching the news the other night and it was stating that the number one reason that girls get caught up in forced prostitution and human trafficking is due to homelessness...aka...they are orphaned. What are we doing about it? Or are we waiting for the government to do something? The criminal justice system that is so known for perfection to act on this growing epidemic? nah...this is a church issue...this is an open door for us to reveal God's love!!!! Where we at?? With as many church members that there are today, we could be adopting these kids...we could be displaying one of the biggest examples of Christ's love to the rest of the world with our actions...but nah...we don't move. It'll cram our style. Our regularly programmed tv shows might get interrupted. And we keep going with a group think type of dilemma..."somebody else will handle it". In my opinion, we are trippin in the satisfaction of our comfortable lives n missing Christ's heart for the church today. Let's start to enter the messiness of what this faith should be.

Entering the Fight

2011-05-21T19:19:00.000-07:00

This past week I was privileged to spend time at the beautiful YWAM Tijuana base in Mexico. During my time there I was able to go with a team into Zona Norte, or The Red Light District within TJ. Here, my eyes were opened to a glimpse of the spiritual battle that wars within the streets. The feelings and sensations that I encountered in this place were anything but ordinary: A stand against the Devil himself. One of the most chilling prayer walks I have ever been a part of...witnessing a battle that is constantly before us, but one that we rarely realize is being waged.

As I walked down the streets of Zona Norte, I passed hundreds of faces that showed little sign of life...deadened eyes, blind and deceived hearts, creations of God taken hostage by evil. I passed alleys selling dope to anyone that passed, dirty needles blanketing window sills and lying on the open streets amidst the trash, girls lining the streets, being sold left and right like animals...I saw evil at its best.

I heard babies screaming for help within one of the most evil places I have ever laid eyes on...a bar/hotel named, Purple Rain. I felt such a presence of evil here that my body felt compelled to throw up. Such darkness...such hate...such devastation. And i heard Satan laughing...I turned behind me to look to see who was making the sound, but as I shuddered, I realized it was not human. There was nothing humane about this place. There was no sign of Life.

While debriefing we learned that Purple Rain is known for the darkness of what goes on within its seclusion and barred doors. We learned of Black Market practices, such as, the selling of organs...babies and children, human trafficking...and more I will not even mention. It stands proudly in the streets of Tijuana...a black figure of the evil that runs so rampant and so blatantly. Satan was mocking us...he was challenging us as the Light represented...to fight back. Yes, God cares...yes, the spiritual battle has been underway, and yes, Jesus stands with every innocent child, man and woman that are being injustly victimized...but he desires our help. We ask ourselves, why does God choose to let people brutalize one another? He asks us, why do we? It takes 5 cop cars to respond to a crime scene because any less and all the cops will be murdered. This is the extent of the grip that evil holds here. It is no wonder that Christians are afraid to enter into the madness. But it is our duty to enter. It is our duty to fight. Jesus lost his life for the sake of the Gospel...why should we expect any different for ourselves?

And TJ is not the only city where this level of demonic stronghold has taken root! This is not the only place where Christians are afraid to enter in. Let us join in praying, interceding and even if God-willing...entering into...for the city of TJ and the Red Light District so that we can proclaim Christ's glory throughout the city streets...God's power over the darkness, and the freedom that redemption brings with the name of Jesus. Let us enter into the fight that is already being waged before our eyes.

A New Chapter

2011-05-21T18:43:00.000-07:00

Yes, the above city is indeed Indianapolis...and yes, that means I am coming home! Within the last several months I have been talking with God about the possibility of leaving YWAM LA and embracing the next adventure that He has for me. Recently, God has made it very clear to me (as I understand) that he is, indeed, releasing me from YWAM Los Angeles. This is a much prayed about decision and will be extremely difficult considering that YWAM LA has become family to me over the past 2 years. This community has embraced me as their own and much of my spiritual foundation has been built here. And while it remains an incredible place to grow, I do not want to miss God’s best for me by choosing not to leave and follow Him.

Therefore, I will be moving back to Indianapolis to live with my sister and work. I am hoping to find a position within my field. I feel as though it is a vital time for me to be paying off school loans as well as saving. I do not know what the future holds, but I am up to letting God continue to write the book...one chapter at a time.

I also have some visionary ideas for my time in Indianapolis...shocker, i know! To everyone who has supported me in my LA adventures...please know how grateful I am to you for your love, encouragement and generosity. You made it possible for me to learn such incredible truth...for my eyes to be revealed to so much more of Christ...for God’s light to be shown to others...You have partnered with me in bringing God’s kingdom to earth, to the starving city of Los Angeles, and to the target nations that we have ministered to.

As I look back on the journey, I realize that I have blogged or talked about various visions that I did not end up embarking upon. I apologize for taking you along on the rollercoaster of ideas that flow through my mind on a constant basis! This is why it takes me a minute to make decisions because I want to make sure that I am following God’s lead and not my own! Believe it or not...there are actually many more of my personality types out here in California...lol...especially within YWAM! Thank you for your grace and patience as you travel with me.

I Need Your Help!!!

I am expecting the transition to be a bit difficult for me at first. Transitions involve a loss within the gain. I will have to say goodbye to family and community life as I’ve known it for the past 2 years. However, I am also re-entering a community in which I still have known support, and an incredible spiritual family as well! another difficulty within this transition will be finances. I am pretty low on finances and actually will owe YWAM LA approximately $500 due to falling behind in financial support within the last few months. So I could definitely use help getting on track, financially, during this transition. In addition, I need to be covered in prayer support. It is vital for me to receive support in this area because I know that with every decision I make to follow in obedience of Christ, I can guarantee spiritual opposition and battles. If you would like to send a check you can make it out to Kate Hunt and send to:

9107 Bryant Lane Apt. 3B

Indianapolis, IN 46250

Victor vs Victim

2011-05-04T16:23:00.000-07:00

Living...past the trauma...living abundantly and truly whole, requires mental transformation. From a "secular counseling" approach, the therapeutic working model would be Trauma-Focused Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy; but it is humorously and significantly parallel to fundamental "Christian training" that involves allowing Christ to transform the whole of who you are...Spiritually, mentally and emotionally. It includes spending focus on those trauma areas...the resulting faulty thinking that, in turn, damages our emotions and ultimately influences our behaviors. The holistic transformation that encompasses every area of living. The same principals that guide us into deeper relationship with God also serve as the best evidence approach chosen by worldly therapists in order to see the most healing and progress in a given individual. Psychology, or the study of the human psyche, is not incongruous with the study of following and living as Christ.

I think that too often, as Christians, however, we spend so much energy focusing on the religiosity spirit of growth that we miss a whole other dynamic and level of healing that involves the mind and heart. We can regurgitate truths, but do those same truths truly abide deeply within us? Not merely within our actions but within our thinking and feeling as well? Are we really taking captive all of the incongruities that plague or thoughts and emotions? This requires a lot more work! Much more time feeding our minds with truths...weeding through the lies that affect and show themselves through our emotions and behaviors...it requires God---at all times. It deepens intimacy with him in our 'working out of our salvation' alongside him instead of merely for him.

The number one struggle that I've seen play out in the Christian circle of trauma survivors, specifically, is the "Victor vs Victim" mental battle. Christ proclaims us as victorious in and through him. I think the problem is that we stop at the "In Christ" and do not integrate the "Through Christ". In other words...we study God...we learn everything about him and his character and how he works...how we can interact with him even, but we don't learn about ourselves in regards to our identity in him. We don't take Christ to those areas of our hurt thinking and emotions and let him walk us through...through to a new mentality, a new way of thinking and feeling. We say, either consciously or subconsciously that we are not worth knowing because we are victims, not victorious children of God. We cheapen God's redemptive power and by limiting ourselves through selfishness and not choosing to see who we are through the eyes of Jesus, we limit the all of God. If we don't even know ourselves then how do we expect God to do a thorough work in those given areas? If we remain blind to specific problem areas, then we are not opening that door to the work of the Holy Spirit. We remain in a victim mindset of endless helplessness, faulty thinking, and poor coping strategies...we remain living without the more. What a disappointment life must become within the Christian heart...trying to work towards freedom and known inheritance, but continually failing because we are being led through ourselves instead of Christ. I think it is why some people end up falling away from Christ, for the reason of not being able to achieve the victory that Christ proclaims is available.

The victim mentality. It is naturally self-defeating as well as others defeating. We expect ourselves to fail and we surely expect others to fail us. Do you see a theme in that sentence? Ourselves and Us. Us---alone---not Us with God. We get trapped in an egotistical mindset of US...everything is about me and everything about me is bad...a very exaggerated selfishness that sets us up for eventual failure. God is not the one failing us...WE are failing OURSELVES!! We are refusing to allow Christ into our failing mindsets, paradigms, emotions, and subsequent behaviors. We walk with the name Christian but are missing Christ in the equation as well as his best intentions for our lives.

Jesus longs to restore...think how it must grieve him when we choose to remain broken. I have heard such negative church or Christian opinion in regards to the secular "self-help" material available in stores. I dare to challenge the foundation of their thesis...that if we would just focus on God instead of ourselves all of our problems would just go away. I don't agree. My theory is this: Our focus on God includes receiving revelation about ourselves. For this is the concept of relationship, right? Does God not desire to know us? But he already really does...so really he is wanting us to show ourselves to him! Does that make sense? He wants such a deep intimacy with us that he desires that we bring ALL of who we are to him....this, in turn, allows the ability for us to address US IN AND THROUGH CHRIST so that we can live out our purposed identities. Our identity becomes Christ rooted instead of Us rooted. In other words...we embrace victory. We are transformed through Christ from victims to victors.

A grace that breaks all the rules

2011-05-01T23:36:00.001-07:00

Grace. Once you think you got it all figured out, you just may find that you are blown away again by the power of this grace that's called a gift. I've had more than my share of moments when I've needed that grace...so i should be used to how it feels...I should be aware of all the complexities of this thing. Truth is...It still blows me away. And while I've definitely seen the cores of grace played out in the hearts of those around me, I was still reluctant to expect the same from God. lol. The source of it all. I was leery that this same grace could be found from the very God that enabled the hearts of those in which i saw it play out. I'm too stubborn for my own good.

I realized that it isn't possible to understand the fullness of God's love for us if we don't realize the brevity of his grace. This is what the world tells us: we screw up...we get punished. We get punished based on the extent of our screw up. And love...or a withholding thereof is congruent with the basis of our ups and downs. So...if I'm to screw up, I am conditioned to ask how bad the punishment is going to be. And while there are always inevitable consequences that come with any action...sometimes there is no punishment...only this thing called grace.

It messes my head up. It's almost like I wish that I could just be punished instead...because it is easier for me to accept. A full out pardon? No punishment? That's grace. Grace is love. It is hard to accept because it says: you are loved...not for what you do but for who you are. Don't get me wrong...appropriate punishment can also say that you're loved and often the situation will call for the latter...but it is grace that I can't always get my head around. I have to force myself to accept it...to refuse to give in to the conditioned response to punish my own self. It is extremely humbling. I'm not even sure why it is so humbling but it is. It's like I'm choosing to say: God, you know better than I do, so I'm gunna play by your rules and not my own. It is accepting that I am capable of being loved, even if i feel or know that I am not deserving of that love. Its replacing me with more of God.

when we recognize the depravity of our sin, or our inability to be perfect, then we are able to shed light on our desperate need for the grace and love of Jesus Christ. In response, we learn humility...we learn more about ourselves...and more of who the God is that we serve. We gain more insight into our inheritance. An inheritance that goes against all the rules of this world. Salvation. Being saved from ourselves. An unearned extension of priceless love, from the Father of Love to his beloved.

walking by faith, not by feelings:

2011-04-21T16:43:00.000-07:00

I'm ashamed to admit that my joy is often rooted in purpose, more so than my Savior. I find that when i feel that i am off of the vision of where i want to be that i face a battle with depression. And a battle of walking out life in faith to the promises of God's word rather than how i feel. God has blessed me with a lot of vision and dreams...its a gift, but my weakness plays in with the impulsiveness of feeling deeply...one's normal "down" is my deep depression. While the normal "ups" are also exuberant highs...i have to remember why it is that i live: and that is to glorify God in all that i am and with all that i do...with every feeling.

I see. I see every face that is oppressed...every face that is crying out for hope...i see the pain of this fallen world. I hear. I hear the cries of the innocent...i hear the agony of the joyless and the anger of those living in bitterness. And i feel. I feel the anxiety of a world in such need...the fear that threatens to spill over without control...the tears that fall from so many faces of injustice. I feel so deeply, and yet i can do nothing...apart from God. He IS the Author of Redemption. He specializes in bringing forth beauty from the ashes. And i so often forget that in glorifying him first, redemption will indeed spill over to these dark places. It is in our own personal glorification of Jesus that the strongholds of satan's grip will be loosened and the hope that our Savior holds is capable of highlighting truth within hardened hearts. We have no power apart from Christ to change hearts...to redeem the sin of this world. We must look first to God...not our sense of purpose, our visions and dreams...not our feelings or emotions. It is in God, alone, that this world will find answers. It is in him, alone, that we will truly be free. Thank you God for your gift of redemption. For your saving grace in your power alone.

important notice!----UPDATE/SUPPORT-RAISING----important notice!

2011-04-10T14:06:00.000-07:00

Greetings family & friends!!!

Updatage:

Currently...I am still in the grand state of CA, working with YWAM Los Angeles. Since finishing my staffing position within the School Of Ministry Development, I have been working with several different ministries: Jeopardy, community development initiatives, and base service.

Jeopardy is the after-school program that I have been working at for about a year now. It is a Juvenile Impact Program run by the LAPD, in which, at-risk youth are required to attend due to failing grades, gang activity or behaviors that lead to gang involvement. The majority of the kids are 15/16 years old, but they range all the way from 8 to 18 years old. We have been very blessed in that the LAPD allows us to bring whatever materials and activities to the classroom in order to teach the kids positive life skills, healthy living, self-esteem, anger-management, etc. We also spend an hour tutoring the kids in their studies. It is a great time to get to know the kids, offer them skills that they can carry with them for life, and see them open up and offer their trust in return. It is very rewarding for me to see the toughest kids open up enough to show care and trust.

Community development initiatives that I have had the privilege of taking part in are: All Youth Worship Nights and Pastor's Breakfasts. These are both newer ministries that have been implemented for the means of enhancing communication and collaboration between churches and ministries within LA. Both of these ministries require outreach and contact with surrounding churches, raising awareness of the ministry and collaborating with pastors as to how to best serve one another and meet the needs of the communities.

All Youth Worship Nights bring various LA youth...from all denominations of churches to skate parks...together for the pure means of learning what it means to worship GOD!!! It is a great opportunity for youth as well as pastors to get to know others within their community by coming together for the single purpose of straight-up praise to our King. We have added the opportunity of worship through the arts during this time.

The Pastor's Breakfasts bring pastors of churches from surrounding communities together, to encourage partnership and collaboration. Joining efforts in learning how to best serve our communities, raise awareness of each community's needs, as well as partner with one another in meeting those established needs.

Short-Term Goals...are to breakthrough into the projects of the city of Compton with a program that will target at-risk children/youth, offering opportunities for discipleship training, life skills teaching, counseling...and more to be determined:) It is a project in progress so I cannot outline it for you yet, but the outlook of the project plan is to begin establishing the program by the start of this coming Fall. There are a lot of details that go into a project planning of this size, so I ask for and would covet your prayers in covering us in this!!

Long-Term Goals...for me, are to move into the projects (such as Compton) and to do just what the Compton Project encompasses: To minister to at-risk youth through counseling and offering discipleship and mentorship...to do life with them and alongside them.

It is for the short and long-term goals as to why I am staying with YWAM LA. I feel strongly that God has called me here for the time being and I really want to be faithful to respond in obedience to that. I have had such an intense time of learning while here in LA, a lot of good experiences, but also a lot of very hurtful experiences. I believe, however, that this is where God wants me right now, and He is steadfast and faithful to uphold me during and through those painful times...which will occur wherever you may be. I do not believe in running away from hardship, but learning through it. I ask you, again, to partner with me in prayer support...for my mind to stay focused on truths...for the ministries that we are working with and towards...and most of all...for my heart to remember that my one true love and hope is in Christ, himself...not a ministry.

Support-Raising:

I have been so incredibly blessed by those of you that have and continue to support me and the work that I am doing here in LA!! I cannot even describe in words to you my gratitude for your partnership with me. I am, however, in need as of recently, of $200 more, in monthly support. The good news is that I now have health insurance! And that is also a great blessing, but It is vital for me to acquire support in this area so as not to get behind in monthly staff fees for housing/food. If you feel that you would like to financially support me in this area, you have a couple options:) 1. You can donate on this blogsite with one click of the button! (however, paypal does take a % out) OR 2. You can send a check to the following address: YWAM LA 11141 Osborne Street
Lake View Terrace, CA 91342. The check can be made out to YWAM LA or Kate Hunt. If you make it out to YWAM LA, put my name on a sticky note so that they know who it is for. Any amount that you could give would be immensely beneficial!!!

Again, I want to thank you for your support thus far in my journey...whether through prayer, encouragement, visits, phone calls, skype dates, financially...or all of the above!!! I would not be able to do this work without your support...so seriously, it is a partnership in running towards God's heart. If you have any questions you can call or e-mail me/facebook me. Please continue to send me updates of your own as well as prayer requests so that I can know how best to be praying for you!

*k.a.hunt77@gmail.com

Kate/Kat

Redirecting

2011-04-05T21:30:00.000-07:00

I had a redirecting of my thoughts tonight. I often think this game of life is about how well you survive. How perceptive you are at understanding people for the means of lessening your chances of being hurt. How discerning you are with who you trust and when and with how much you trust and entrust to them.

I play this game...used to be without knowing it...but I've been very aware of it recently. Slight hitch to my theory...the root is survival, and God desires so much more for us than merely surviving...he desires that we live a life of abundance. That abundance comes when we choose to switch our focus off of ourselves and onto our Redeemer. It's scary to give that up. But if we knew better who we were giving that over to, perhaps it wouldn't be quite as terrifying. Truth is...people are going to hurt you, they will fail you, and life will throw its worst at you at given times. But now I'm thinkin the only way to truly survive is to live in abundance...and that comes when we focus on bringing glory to our God. Holding fast to his promises during those times of immense darkness...when even our best efforts of ensuring safety have failed us. It is He who strengthens and comforts...it is through our tightened grip on his character and his promises that we are able to withstand...not only withstand but grow beyond measure. This is where redemption is able to bloom and envelop all past wrongs. This is where Jesus has clearance to clean out those hidden rooms and build beauty from ashes. When we let go...we let healing set its course. When we are able to stop glancing around in fear and suspicion, we will be able to focus our gaze on The Author of Redemption, and watch him do his thing:)

Maybe God's been trying to get me to understand this concept for a minute now...prolly:) Maybe...well, maybe if we are focusing our lives around Christ and his glory versus ourselves and our safety...we won't come to as many pitch black moments. And when those moments are still our reality...we will be more confident of his hand within ours because we are that much more aware of the truths of his character...the truths within his promises. We are confident enough in who we are in Christ that we don't operate so much in fear of people...we are able to live in enhanced freedom of who it is that we really are...what it is that we are really thinking and feeling...because God's love consumes us. We don't need people's acceptance as much because we have our Creator's acceptance and love. Our hope becomes greater than our fear. So...for anyone else who is as slow as me in remembering this, the game of life is about our God! We live...abundantly...to bring HIM glory. The end.

shattering the masks:

2011-03-21T03:04:00.000-07:00

Freedom living. It does not come without a price. The price requires trust...trusting in God over trusting yourself. It requires humility...admitting that we don't have all the answers...that we aren't always all-self-sufficient....admitting that we need. That we need to love and need to be loved. admitting that we hurt...that others hurt us, that we can't always protect our hearts...that we aren't always bullet-proof. It means, basically...that we rip off the masks and start being real. Being truthful with ourselves and with others. Now, i'll have to warn you...this also requires something called vulnerability and genuine living! And if you are a real leader...a truly strong leader...you will take the lead in this type of living.

For, "Those who have never learned how to apply the healing Jesus brings to their lives will always hide their sin. Numerous leaders can affirm n teach the significance of redemption, but many in these roles have no idea how to apply their theology to who they are. This gap is harder for leaders to acknowledge bc these leaders have been elevated to positions that r 2 valuable to them 2 risk exposing what is true about themselves." TrueFaced

And you and I can begin to impact others as genuine leaders of true integrity once we adorn the identity of the true self that God has created us as...with all of our faults and failures laid bare. How else will we grow personally? And how else will we influence a nation to face truth...a group of people to embrace the fullness of growth and intimacy in Christ? A family circle to bear one another's burdens and to live life fully beside each other in a love that knows no limits of grace? To truly love...is to truly embrace...all that another encompasses.

If we deny ourselves to lay ALL that we are before the King of Kings...then we deny ourselves the chance to embrace ALL that Christ has to offer us in this life: The fullness of freedom, grace, redemption, intimacy of knowing and being known, growth, influence...we settle for less than. We cheapen our faith at the cost of fear.

Let us be a generation that truly embraces truth...whatever the cost. The subsequent results are priceless.

The Crossmovement:

2011-03-10T21:53:00.000-08:00

Forward faith movement. The crossing over of each of our "Jordan's". Here's the deal...recently I've felt like i am situated in a crossroads...like I've gotten the impression that I am sitting on the brink of something...something big. Whenever that something...specifically, something big of God is positioned in front of me, i seem to encounter quite the extremes in spiritual warfare. Ultimately, i believe that Satan feels it coming as well and throws his hardest fastballs at me in order to deter me from embarking on the cross-over through the Jordan and into the Promised Land.

I've had a ministry dream for quite sum time now...and up until recently i have been proactive in moving towards it, with "it" being knowingly in the farther future. I believe that the dream is drawing nearer to being launched upon, and the warfare i have encountered has escalated. Doubt, discouragement, outright disapproval, hatred, extreme testing for extreme costs. Its hard to distinguish the voices and set apart the lies from the truth...but the testing and trials run congruent with a high goal: stepping out in faith in our Father to see heaven brought to earth. For this is the life of one of his children. He does not promise easy, he does however, promise to equip us for the job. To be assigned a task from God...whether big or little...how can we refuse? How could we throw up our hands n say "this is too hard!" and quit...give up...say "Satan, you win!" Ha...i can't. Even tho, as i look at the task conceptually, and as it looks daunting and i am prone to doubt its success or shear possibility, I know-I trust, actually...that whichever mountain God calls me to climb, he is sure to be walking with me...my hand in his.

Sometimes i am tempted to say, "But, God, i just got to this level! Can't i rest here a bit before scaling higher?!". But the truth is, if God has called you to step forward, then you will quickly see that He has already put that longing in your heart for the more of what he has waiting for you. You will become complacent with the now ordinary feeling of the present, and you will no longer be satisfied. Its a cool trick:) Otherwise, we would live stagnant, boring lives that don't dare to reach further to see the impossible become possible. So that's where i've been...in the ancy place of trials, doubts, discerning and laying it all out before my Dad. Cuz i know that i have nothing apart from him, so i have to cling to his strength, courage, and character to lead me through this daily battle of faith. I am forced to have my fears n anxiety comforted by my Father instead of relying on false comforts. I am summoned to a new level of faith. And i accept the challenge. "Be strong and courageous"...I will take Joshua's lead on this one.

It surprises me, though, how quickly i am to consider temptation. Even while i recognize the choice: move forward in the dream, although risky...the promise of the fulfillment of the dream excruciatingly worth it; or take a safe job in an environment that i know...not exactly risky but comfortable. Tempting! But i have been ruined. The comfort of this flesh n world cannot compare to the glory of God's workmanship that i have already seen. While I, unfortunately, will continue to operate with somewhat of a human perspective, and will face times of unrest and a disruption of peace, i know to move forward is the only way. For if we stopped walking in faith every time we had a lack of peace, we would never do anything in obedience to the Lord. The enemy seeks to steal, kill, and destroy. This includes dreams, peace, obedience, etc. I refuse to let him win. God has already aligned so many victories ahead! It is only our job to make that first step forward in obedience. God's miracles and glory are only possible where our power ends. And all those trials....all the doubting, the lies, the resistance and rejection...it will all be worth it, because it will be turned into good for the kingdom of God.

God desires our obedience...yes, for his glory to be displayed, but i think it is also out of his great love for us. He desires that we are able to experience him in all of his fullness...in all he created us to do and to be. He longs for us to long for everything of him. He has so much MORE for us...because he loves.

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For i am convinced, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." ---Romans 8:35, 37-39

Spiritual Manipulation

2011-02-05T21:19:00.000-08:00

I could throw down a million n one reasons not to trust, period. But the thing is, i think we are called to risk, and maybe at some point the risk will prove worth it. I have, however, compiled a few tips along the way...

1. Trust. If someone is trying to convince you to trust them right away...or even at all, take it in as a red flag. assurance and convincing, in my point of view, is not necessary; actions should prove themselves. It is manipulative...specially if knowing pertinent past experiences. It is a quite bold statement to say "you can trust me with your life"...and in saying this i believe there is a deeper need trying to be fulfilled within that person. An, "I need you to need me" type of wounded thinking. Basically...it is selfish. Eliciting trust while quoting scripture references is also manipulative. Point is this: you should feel like you can take your time trusting someone, and letting them prove to you that they deserve your trust...or can handle being trusted.

2. Money. If someone is constantly referring to the amount of money you have while at the same time referencing their lack of...and the stress and hardship that the financial situation is having on their relationship with God...there is your second flag. When the person says you should give money to............ or.............. its time to keep your God provision stories to yourself.

3. Dependent Relationships. Tip number 3...if you have witnessed someone habitually entering into extremely unhealthy friendships/relationships in order to "disciple hard-out"...start asking questions. Sorry...this is the farthest thing from good discipleship. you, at no point whatsoever, should ever be made dependent on a single person. Good intentions or not...it is not healthy or helpful. This person has an extreme "savior" complex and will get his/her needs met more than help you in your own walk with God. This person hoards all of your information, past hurts, present struggles...and will lord over you. Another angle to this point: If he/she is constantly complaining only to you about not feeling supported, regardless of how much you have tried to be supportive. That person is relying on you way too much. one person should not be made to feel responsible for someone else' support...nor should someone need to be told constantly that they are supported. It implies a lack of trust from their end. A lack of trust coupled with high demands is dangerous and nothing you do will ever be enough.

4. Incongruity. Spiritual manipulation also occurs when someone is quick and deliberate to preach truth...quote scriptures...state his/her passion for various Godly truths, while actively walking in the opposite way personally. "you should" statements...while the same statements don't seem to run very deeply within the proclaimer. Or...truth telling is a one-way street, where he/she speaks truth to you but you are not to speak truth back. dangerous combination.

I've concluded that working with Christians...within "Christian ministry" is HARD!!! maybe because i was naive in my expectations for Christ-followers. Everyone brings their wounds to the table, Christian or not. The keys are humility and grace...and boundaries. I don't think its wrong, however, to regard your trust as a gift and to discern with careful attention as to who to give it all out to. Thank you, God, that you are more than worthy of ALL of our trust.

Attending To The Wounds

2011-01-25T13:17:00.000-08:00

How do we recognize areas of need...places of deep hurt, of fear, pain, and opportunities to offer redemptive hope...?? We look towards the wound. It is easy to find...it is where The Enemy has been staking out his territory. You see, he swarms to wounds like a fly to death. Maybe instead of merely battling him away, we can first follow the wound as well. Attending first to the wounds just makes sense. An analogy i just read in an article paints the picture quite well: If you get cut and the wound is gaping open and the flies are already swarming, you don't go and try to ward off the flies, right? Instead you attend to the wound so that the flies don't have any access...they don't have a way in. Its the same for every other kind of wound. Satan points us right to those that need healing! Or, even within our own selves, we can easily see where we are wounded and need healing because we the first to know where Satan is trying to land and invade. He obviously sees that it is not secure and that he has an opening. Let's be diligent in closing those doors to him...and allowing God to perform only what he can do...the FULL restoration of particular areas of wounding. For the sake of giving God our all...lets not stay broken and less of what we can be for and in Christ.

The more i try to learn and grasp the concept of interdependency, the more i wonder what it would be like to go back to being just dependent on only myself. I would save myself alot of hurt from others. I wouldn't have to give so much of myself or die so often to myself. I wouldn't have to place so much dependency on God! And the truth is...i would regress to a state of former brokenness. Life would be just that: living for myself. Holding back the all of my faith and not truly living for God. I have to remember that this redemptive living is a process. Attending to the wounds is a process...lets not make the mistake of believing the lie that we no longer have any wounds to attend to. Let us take a humble stance in allowing God to examine our hearts and motives...to step into the light so that the darkness has a chance to fade away.

heartbeats of heaven

2011-01-12T00:12:00.000-08:00

These are from my camera phone and a lil Picasa photoshop tweekin...wonder what they could look like with sum real graphics technology:) God's beauty is meant to be captured in any and every form. What are sum God-sightings from your week thus far?

Perspective

2011-01-11T10:07:00.000-08:00

So, with the last assignment finished, and thankfully so...its on to the next! All i knew is that i was sposed to come back to LA after Christmas break, but i wasn't sure as to where or what i would be up to. I was praying this weekend...pleading with God to hand me sum of his vision...and this is what i got: "stop trying to work it all out...just praise me and i will take care of it" lol. So praise him i did, and Monday i got my answers. I know...quick, right?! Here is what i will be up to for the next...however long:

I will be working alongside the YWAM Los Angeles Urban Team. The team is beginning the pioneering process of moving into the projects of Pacoima. I will be helping in the creation of training programs, tapping into my educational knowledge and using those brain cells that cost so much to train lol. Another project that the team is working on is to compile knowledge and insight into surrounding gangs: reasons for becoming involved, behaviors, perceptions, beliefs, etc. The goals: to learn and gain as much insight into the gang cultures so as to best be prepared to work alongside them; to begin building contacts and relationships with community members and members of gangs; and also so as to create a book full of personal stories, pictures and disclosures of the gang life for the means of creating widespread awareness. I believe that you have the most authority in speaking into someone's life if you are best possibly educated in the inner workings of their life. And who better to ask about it all than the people themselves who are actually living the life out? These are people that we feel called to minister to, the "least of society" and these are the people that we will begin to connect with. The book project will require writing and photography, graphic arts and sum creativity skills. Ha...i wanted to work with street kids...i got my wish:)

So thats whats up with the ministry side of my life. I'm stoked! Its a nice feeling to once again have some feeling of purpose, and it is cool to me how God always seems to confirm with full clarity what i need to be pursuing next.

To download a lil from the deeper depths of my right brain, lol:

I've been reading in 1 Corinthians today, ya know that Love Chapter of 13? Its pretty tight, but its seriously CRAZINESS!! This is the line that gets me, verse 7/8 "Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails". That verse totally blows my mind. ALWAYS TRUSTS AND HOPES???!!! are you serious??!! what does this even look like for the people and situations in my life? What exactly does trust and hope look like Biblically? I don't even know to say anything about it and i definitely need more understanding on it, but its a tight verse to tear apart and i think we prolly all could use to chew it apart a lil more. Its funny, though, something i did realize in worship the other day...i noticed that i had quite a lot easier time praising and worshipping God with songs that proclaimed MY love for HIM...but when it came to singing songs that proclaimed HIS love for ME...now that took me aback a bit. Still. It is still so hard for me to comprehend. God's love NEVER FAILS. I want more of that kind of love. When people see my love, i want them to be able to see Christ.

Peace n love to all of you supporting me...championing God in me. Please continue to remember me in your prayers, and to send me your own prayers and updates!

Forgiveness Preceeds Repentance:

2011-01-04T22:55:00.000-08:00

An easily typed out title...not so easy to live out. But it is the living out of our faith that is the best indicator of its genuinuity...not the words that spill out from our lips. This world...it does us wrong over and over again, the effects of living within a fallen earth. but that is a statement, not a response. How are we going to choose to respond when we are wronged...better yet...when repentance is not offered? This is the real challenge of Christian growth...the challenge of personal responsibility. For we have been given the ultimate example, the principles of our very faith rest on this foundation: the gospel of grace. In the Christian world, the sinner is accepted before he pleads for mercy. BEFORE. Forgiveness, therefore, is already granted and the sinner only needs to accept it. We have been pardoned without plea-bargaining. How then could we, being pardoned of all sin, hold anything against another? Its outragious. And yet, we are so prone to doing so! We hang on to entitlement...we hold fast to our pride and attending to our own wounds...we are our own god---the judge, jury and decider of justice. We trust no one but ourself...to carry out justice and to repair and comfort our injured soul. Yet, we read that we can not love two masters. God's love rages with jealousy and rightfully so, because we have been bought with a price. The cost was perfect love. Do you think you are capable of perfect love? I sure don't think i am...and so, i will lay down my "rights"...the tainted image of my expectations of what righteousness should look like, and i will choose to trust that my God has the better vision. I will choose to take responsibility in responding like-minded in Christ---choosing to pardon even when it hurts. It is easy, once again, to preach about forgivenes...but are we ready to really walk with Christ? Jesus asks us if we are able to drink of his cup...To take up our cross and put some actions to our words. And i ask myself, once again, who is really Lord of my life?? Let us not allow our lives to refute our faith.

The Fight or Flight Response

2011-01-02T18:45:00.000-08:00

Whats your first instinct when faced with challenge and hardship...entering a tunnel in which you have no idea of the layout? Whatchu think....ya wanna run? Or ya wanna stay n perservere? I have been in such a tunnel for the last 4 months, and i'm entering a new turn in the same tunnel---without a ton of understanding or explanation. I don't know what the next stretch of my life will look like. And i'ma tell ya the truth...i've felt the intense urge to run on multiple occasions...to switch up locations n scenery...say see ya later to people that have betrayed me...to habitual problems and stress that have closed in on me...to run from it all. But with as much of a desire that ive had to run from all the drama and crap, ive suprisingly been overwhelmed by a God that fights for me...that equips me to withstand...that challenges me to perservere. It is a humbling walk, this faith life...and if you're not willing to drop yaself to your knees then you'll either be pushed there or you will crumble on your own. I think i'll take the first option. This following God thing is not about me...its not about feeling good--not about doing whats easy--or preserving myself...its about glorifying God IN EVERYTHING. I refuse to give in to satan and run...i won't let him throw me off of the plan God has laid out for me...he can't withstand my God. So in the darkness of uncertainty...in those times that i don't understand...even in those moments when satan's hate threatens to overtake and he seems to be winning the fight---i will remain in Christ, because the war has already been won. Im not leavin till God tells me otherwise. I'm choosing to trust that he has my best...that he knows better than my screwed up self. I'm anchoring down in the truth that i know and i'm standing strong, ready to fight. And when God calls me on to my next assignment...then i'll be more than ready to sprint forward...not in a self-sabbotage of defeat or preservation but in self-assurance of Godly obedience.

Satan's right on my tail...he's been chasin me for a minute now...but i'm no longer scared...no longer running away. I am armed. The longer i act in obedient faith...the stronger my defense becomes. With God as my Savior...of whom can i be afraid? I have seen him act in my defense. I have felt the unsurpassable peace flood through me in times of complete doubt and crippling pain. I have seen him move...i have felt his presence of love and righteous anger...justice and mercy. He is what my hope rests on...and he will never fail me. so together we will continue fighting...for life is what's on the table...and life is what this world needs. This world doesn't need any more Christians living to promote themselves...speaking words of truth but failing to act in them. They don't need any more masked righteousness...they need life, and the only way to show them true life is to live fully in Christ---to drop to our knees---that is how we begin to fight.

Biblical Love & Discipleship

2010-12-09T14:18:00.000-08:00

We hear these words a lot lately: "acceptance", "tolerance", "meeting the person where they're at", etc...specially in relation to what love and discipleship should look like. These words and their meanings seem to reflect the current societal mindset of coexistence. while these attributes are indeed good, i think its necessary to break down their implications a lil bit further. Lets compare two differing spheres of discipleship in context to these definitions of love: Christian to Christian; Christian to non-Christian.

Christian. This is an extremely broad term...specially in today's context. Lets define a Christian as believing in Christ and choosing to follow him with your life. This is not saying that there are not differing levels of Christ-following that Christians are operating at, furthermore, there is definitely a necessity in taking into account the spiritual age of a Christ-follower.

Okay. Now...lets look at discipleship dynamics in context of Christian to Christian...as well as in relation to the above termed concepts of love. Acceptance. What exactly are we implying by this? When i look at what acceptance should look like Biblically...this is what i'm understanding: The full acceptance of the person. However...the person should be separated from their non-biblical behaviors...don't you think? Is is not possibly true, that we should indeed accept a person for all that they are, but at the same time should challenge them to act according to who they are in Christ? If not...we are actually not believing that Christ can be fully formed within the individual. For this is love...that we spur one another forward to love and good deeds...that we don't accept less than who they are fully in Christ. It is not loving nor beneficial to let someone sin or sit in their crap. yes...you love them thru their resistance, it is called unconditional love afterall...but God himself gives us a vision...a standard to strive for (strive)...That standard is Jesus Christ, himself! Why does God set us up with such a high and actually unattainable earthly standard? Because if he doesn't...then he is saying we are not perfect within Christ...he would be saying that we are not capable of more...he would take away the striving part of Christianity and we would remain stagnant...not striving for more freedom...not pursuing more of God...ourselves-without Christ- would be enough. I think that refutes Christianity all-together does it not?

Come on Christians...this is true discipleship...this is how Jesus did it...he loves us enough to discipline us...he loves us enough not to leave us how we are. This is the kind of discipleship that we should be replicating. Enter into the struggle...enter into people's crap...but don't just sit in it with them! Challenge in love. Challenge them to not just see but to walk out the more. We have to be held to higher standards than non-Christ followers...sorry...but thats how this life is...if you don't wanna grow...you don't have to choose this life. haha. We have responsibility...no matter how old we are in our Christ-walk...because we have truth living within us. We have responsibility that non-Christians don't...we can't expect people that don't believe in Truth...in God...to act according to his ways! Where is the logic in that? But we are to be set apart from the world...we are to be the example...let's start taking responsibility for our growth...for applying the Truth that we are equipped with.

Non-believers & discipleship. If this is the dynamic...then the picture is painted a lil bit different for us. yes...you can challenge...yes you can love unconditionally (and should)...but our expectations should look differently than that of someone who claims to believe the Truth. Our standards of conduct and morality cannot be set up as a standard of conduct for non-believers...because their foundation is not based on our faith. You meet them where they're at...then you walk with them where they want to go...challenging and encouraging...but their non-biblical behaviors cannot be disciplined...they have the world as their standard. you see the difference??

Let's stop discipling people as if they do not have a Godly standard. Let's stop "accepting" less than what we were created to be in Christ. Let's start pressing forward...toward the goal...to win the prize which God has called us heavenward in Christ Jesus.

stepping up to life...life before DTS...

2010-12-01T14:51:00.000-08:00

Sometimes...nah...most days i am one of the most stubborn people you will ever meet. but it is stubbornness that keeps me choosing life. I graduated from Transformation Discipleship Training School in March of last year. I thought i was graduating past every former hurt...transformed to the core...healed from wounds that i had not fully attended to...some of them i was aware of, some not so much. These wounds have been seeping through since, and finally fully ripped open, fully exposed before me this week. And i am once again broken...in pain...and having the choice to face the cores of my beliefs at the very roots...being faced with the choice to continue denying their impact...their even existence...and letting God do an even deeper work within me. And i choose that life. I have come to the conclusion that i am no longer capable of choosing death if it is staring me in the face. not just incapable...i merely do not desire it. While this may come as a shock to some of you that i once desired death or highly considered it at points of time...it is true, and i apologize for the rawness of these words...but that was my reality and this blog is one of realness, so that is what i will maintain.

While TDTS last fall did do a major start of healing with many broken areas of my life, i failed to realize that it was a work in progress that i needed to continue in. And in some areas i have backslided without knowing. one of those being my dependence on God. I can't tell you the exact point in which i tried to take back ALL control from God, but the fact is that God doesn't force anything...the decision is ours...and he let me try...lol...he let me fail. Or rather, he let me fall in order to learn once again that i am just not capable of maintaining truth on my own. i am not able to live this life of transformation without Him. What was i thinking?! I mean...i did try to include and incorporate God in my day...but that was just it...i was trying to "make room" for him, while still holding on to some sense of control. The sense of control came for me in trying to keep my past back...trying to believe truth over lies in my own strength...trying to speak in the opposite, trying to make the right choices without having to go what i thought as backwards...but my foundation was not yet strong enough. sometimes you have to go backwards in order to go forward. This is what i am currently facing. A time with God of entering into my past in order to gain a deeper healing...and ultimately a deeper faith and relationship with God. I could benefit from your prayers.

It is impossible to walk without first fully learning how to crawl. I think i was in the wobbly stage of trying to break free from the holding of the hands...trying to make it to the destination on such unsteady legs...not being confident of God's protection and support, and i fell. While the falling hurts...it is completely necessary in learning. I will get back up and i will take God's hand this time without letting go...because he IS my destination! My destination is not ministry...it is him...our relationship. He will never leave me...nor forsake me. He will actually never even fail me. I don't have to be afraid to depend on him with my full trust. When you lose all control, God is able to step back in. What satan intends for evil and hurt...God turns into good and joy...satan’s plan with me will always backfire...because I will always choose to fight. I will always choose life.

please keep praying. Thank you for your support.

The Epidemic of Staying Still

2010-11-22T21:23:00.000-08:00

To receive knowledge means to be made responsible for responding to that knowledge.
In saying this...only read further if you are desiring to act.

We have it all. We have every resource at our fingertips. And we have a world crisis just a google click away from description and the plea to arms. Is anyone out there? We get frustrated with a slow internet connection while in the time it takes to connect there are hundreds dying of starvation. Poverty...one of the key problems plaguing this world...one of the key problems linking other world issues such as human trafficking, abuse, abandonment, drug use, etc. It is a major root epidemic. What are we doing about it?? What are you doing about it? Pick a problem...any problem...this world is drowning with issues that remain untouched. With every resource we have in this generation...we are still not acting. We could pioneer so many job ideas...use arts and media to generate income for people...we could co-create with God to solve problems. But instead we are ok to live in the muck of complacent ignorance. its disgusting.

Pick a nation...understand the many injustices that erase the dignity of a human being. Its not hard to find...we just don't look...and if we happen to see...we either numb our minds n hearts or look the other way.

Brazil, India, Africa, Thailand...you pick...extreme poverty---extreme injustices. Babies getting thrown to crocodiles if their teeth grow in the top before the bottom ones come in---a tribal ritual of believing that child will bring a curse upon the whole group if left to live. so they toss it in the river...or bury it alive...or leave it tied to a bush for animals to eat. This happens. Now you know. What are you going to do to make a difference? These people are hungrily awaiting truth...a chance for a different way...there is no parent who wants to kill their child. These people need hope. And we hold that hope that could transform not only lives but cultures. What will we do with it?

Street kids...living on top of garbage dumps. their lives lived as a daily task of survival. scavenging through the trash for remnants of food...drinking pitch black water from the garbage infested creek...freezing during the night. Society depicting them as monsters or trash themselves...these "monsters" have the faces of normal little boys and girls, except everything about their lives is far from normal. These kids will only make it to their 30s. They are SO desparate for life...for hope. We have it! What are we doing with it??!!!

Parents selling their children into prostitution. Sometimes unknowingly, sometimes knowingly. Girls as young as 5/6 years old...some younger. Entering a life of living dead. They will never be the same. They need some hope too...they need some practical resources and new ideas. I think we are capable of meeting the demand for new ideas...i think we are more than equipped to tackle all of these problems head on. The problem doesn't lie in whether or not we are capable or if we have the resources or dreams to accomplish change...the problem lies deep within each one of us: Complacency. A lack of urgency in responsibility to respond. The problem is that the harvest is more than ripe but there are very few workers. its not CAN you do this...its WILL you? Will you respond. This is one question that you don't really need to pray about. I think that God is more than ready to say YES!!!!! GO!!!!! DO!!!!! Come on...that's his heart, is it not?

These exhortations have been brought this week from our speaker---showing us the immense opportunity to pioneer on behalf of God's people. It stokes me up so bad!!!!! i can't contain myself...how freaking blessed are we??!! Who are we that the God of this universe calls us to bring forth his name to the nations...to bring forth hope to people who are walking dead. We are so privileged...lets use it.

Who Are We Living For? Ourselves vs God:

2010-11-20T22:16:00.000-08:00

Who are we living for???!!!

Why do we get up. For what purpose do our thoughts, actions, and speech originate and for whom? Ourselves or God?? Choosing to live for ourselves is ultimately death...which is ultimately benefitting satan. On the other hand, choosing to live for God actually produces life...while behind every little step of choice, we may have trouble seeing the essence of this value of life, it is actually extremely significant and vital to not only our growth, but to the very core of our survival.

Our Thoughts: Taking each and every thought captive...lining up each thought with biblical truth. Working towards seeing each person and situation through God's eyes and not our own. A biblical perspective of beauty instead of our human perspective of ashes. What is the foundation off of which we process life? Is the backgroud of family...the brokenness of pain and suffering...or our subsequent maladaptive coping mechanisms the springboard for deciphering what is truth or lies?? If this foundation proves to remain dominant to the truths of our faith...the truths of God's character...then we will remain in a state of brokenness and self-pity. And if we knowingly remain here...then we are inviting and entering a very dangerous choice of selfishness. one of the most extreme kinds. We lose sight of the world because we are so consumed with ourself. our own hurt...pain...traumatic experiences...the crappiness of our own backgrounds and events...alotta "me" up in here. We lose the ability to see others. We sacrifice others for ourself. we become stagnant and rigid in our ability to encapture God's ultimate best in how he would have us minister and love on others. This has been satan's tactic for years...its the same old story of his...Get Christians so fixated on themselves..."me, me, me...I, I, I"...that we are not sharpening our fellow believers let alone the lost world that is outside of ourselves.

Our Actions: Walking out in truth vs lies...and if we know and realize truth...we are held to higher standards...we are held to walk that out even if its hard or goes against what we have been taught and conditioned for. Did someone not tell you that this Christian life was going to be hard?! yeah...its a battle...if you don't choose to enter into it armed, then you will fall. walking into our inheritance. If we have been told of our inheritance, we sure better be working to step further into it each day. Our time on this earth is so limited! we are living each day in the ultimate war...the spiritual battles should be fought head on...we should be equipping ourselves with the power of truth...we so often fall into the dangerous pit of complacency and selfishness.

Our Speech: Integrity. Substance. Why do we spend so MUCH time speaking jibberish crap?! when the majority of our speech is not of substance, then maybe we need to re-evaluate the purpose of it "The purpose of building others up...according to their needs, so that it may benefit those that listen". I'm not saying everything should be spiritual or that every single word spoken should produce something of life, but maybe its time to analyze on what we spend the majority of our time talking about. Speaking forth life versus death. If we are to focus ours as well as others' attention on the negative or the lies of a person or situation...what exactly is our goal? What exactly are we accomplishing? not life. words have power...they have power to shape our thinking...to change our mindset...to affect the spiritual realm...and sometimes we spit them out either with absolute no pre-thought...or in absolute denial of known truth. its so dangerous.

I'm talking from a place of experiencing alot of these truth choices...usually learned through personal failure and continual process. What i have learned and am still learning daily is essential to building God's kingdom...join me in entering the struggle of working out our salvation.

Support-Raising 4 Mexico City AND BRAZIL!!!!!

2010-11-20T21:27:00.000-08:00

okay i am excited to get outta America n to Mexico City, but i'm so freaking STOKED to have Brazil finally on the radar:) I have received so much generosity thru financial means as well as emotional support. seriously...this missionary status thing...i couldn't do it without outside encouragement and financial contributions. it is so true when they say that your supporters are actual ministry partners...working towards the same goal in bringing God's kingdom to this earth.

I have figured up that i am currently in need of around $1500 for Mexico City. I am good on staff fees for the 2 months leading up to outreach (Nov and Dec.) we will leave Jan 1. Then upon arrival back to the states...I will just need money for a plane ticket out to Brazil:)

Our ministry in Mexico City will vary, however, we expect to work alot with street children ministries that are already in existance...as well as incorporate sum skateboarding ministry up in there considering we have a skilled boarder on the team! Mexico City, alone, has over 10,000 documented street children. The economy drop out as well as drugs and alcohol consuming the family unit have led to an overload in runaway or abandoned kids. They spend most of their days scraping n begging for enough money to get glue...so that they can numb themselves with a consistent cheap high. So many opportunities for relationship building and counseling:) I will keep you updated on what our ministry options look like when we get more information. We may also work with girls who have been prostituted. prostitution is legal in Mexico. its such a dark place and we will need a TON of spiritual prayer covering.

I think i broke down a lil on what ministries i would be working alongside with during my time in Brazil. I really desire to gain insight and wisdom/knowledge in how they run their street ministries there and how they work with the kids. Do sum best practice analyses in order to implement ideas and successes within the organizations i will establish in the future.

Yeah. So...$1500 before Jan 1st. major prayer coverage/warfare during our time there: specifically...against depression, complacency, spiritual oppression, sickness (often times spiritual oppression would manifest as sickness during my last outreach in Mexico), Team unity (confrontation skills...ability to see each other thru God's eyes...sharpening each other...all for the sake of God's glory and no other reason...prayer for not lending to our human tendencies towards self-protection or anything selfish)...and that we are able to receive more information from our contacts so that we can be planning more and contacting our ministry partners. no big deal:)

I have the ability thru my Chase bank account to do direct deposit for anyone desiring to contribute. I also have my paypal account that is accessible at the top-right hand of this blogsite. checks can be made payable to: Ywam LA-Kate Hunt
11141 Osborne Street
Lake View Terrace, CA
91342 * (no name on check---make out to YWAM LA)

Again, i thank each of you for your encouragement and continual support of this ministry. And i really do LOVE when you make time to write me bout your own updates and prayer requests!!! makes me happy:) love n peace,

kate

***if you get the chance...a good read is "A Cry From The Streets" its what ignited my passion for Brazil and the street kids there. And that's coming from a non-reader!

Details down-low

2010-11-01T03:30:00.000-07:00

Sooo...lemme jus say its a tight thing that our God has the best of both minds...cuz...i straight up suck with details. ha...here is the latest on what he has mapped out so far for me:

Same stuff as the last download, but now the in-between is a bit discovered:)

When i get back from Mexico City (actually RIGHT when i get back) i will be flying out to BRAZIL!!!!!!!!! finally! I will be flying out with our YWAM LA school leader, Werner Pfau, to one of the YWAM bases in Brazil (i forget the name of this base). The school that i am currently staffing (School Of Ministry Development-SOMD) will be pioneered at this particular base. its pretty tight stuff. So Werner will be overseeing the start of the school's launching for the 6 weeks (it is only 1/2 the length of this school's time, to begin with). I will stay for at least 4 weeks here and help get the school started up...teachings, staffing duties...learning the language...getting accustomed to the country...making contacts, etc. Then i will launch from there to the Belo Horizonte YWAM base to partner with the existing ministries there. My desire is to work alongside the ministries that reach out to the street children. there are 3 homes:

Rescue House, The team works with children on the streets, their families in the slums and in juvenile delinquent centers.
Recanto House, The team works with street girls and girls in at risk situations; counseling and accompanying them, helping them in various ways.
Reborn Hope House, The team works in the area of prevention of teenage pregnancy in the slums, and with pregnant teenage girls, or young teenage mothers; counseling and accompanying them.

My objective in working with these differing homes in Belo and with the street children and workers within this ministry is primarily to gain wisdom, experience and knowledge of how these programs run in order to bring the concepts back to Los Angeles. My ultimate goals are to start ministries similar to Belo's houses within the worst cities of LA...then continue to pioneer what works to other major cities and countries. My time in Belo will involve much project planning and research....research of both the macro ministry build as well as the micro...down to best practices within counseling and reintegration of families and societies.

I'm stoked:) I will be able to implement all of my social work training as well as get on-site training and experience. I can't wait to see this country...look into the eyes of the street children...gain insight into best ministry practices...and all the while, knowing that it is sharpening skills needed for future business in LA! God is moving mightly...and i am humbled immensely that he desires for me to be up in it. Blows me away. That's our inheritance my peeps! don't ask why...just ask where?! Where do you want me, God?! What do you have for me?! Because he does. He's got alot more for you than you may think. We get to freaking co-create with the GOD OF THE UNIVERSE. This life is way worth it.

Dang...ight, i'm gettin off track again, shocker i know. anyways...so i will be in Brazil for...i'm not quite sure, but it could be all the way up to late summer of 2011. Perhaps a total of 6 months. But i'm not sure on the length...i just know that i will be back in LA by August/September. And ready to hit the city!! Better equipped to help establish programs and housing ministries within the worst hoods in America. yes, that excites me...that is where my heartbeat is. That is where God is calling the church.

If you would like to partner with me in prayer or financially....Please lemme know!!!!! I have direct deposit with my new Chase Bank electronics...PayPal at the top of this page...and address to send checks to...haha. I do really need pray support tho too, i gotta lotta spiritual warfare surrounding me at all times, and i would really appreciate knowing names of people committed to praying for me! Love you all....

Straight-Up Support Letter! + download on God in LA

2010-10-17T21:27:00.000-07:00

Hi to all my brothers n sisters in Christ!! I'm writing this blog post in support-raising/newsletter style with the intent being to letchu know what God has been up to at YWAM Los Angeles...as well as to ask those of you who are excited about these God-movements to either 1. continue to partner with me in prayer/financially or 2. Begin to partner with me in prayer/financially! For those of you who do not yet know...I have joined the YWAM LA staff and I have committed to LA ministry for 2 years. As staff, we are still working support-raising style...but still have staff fees of $275/mo. I would like to maintain a $400 budget if possible. I am in need of monthly or 1-time donations/support!! I really feel that God has called me here to this particular ministry, so i know that He will provide. If you feel so led to partner with me financially...please let me know so that i can send you support envelopes...updates...and stay in contact with you. I am already falling short for this month...dang...this faith life is quite the challenge for me. All out dependency...not exactly what i'm used to...just being honest.

Anyways...enough of money talk:)...lets get to the tight God action!!! YWAM Los Angeles is in a state of preparing for thousands of new believers and youth to invade this LA base. We, as a base, have received the prophecy of being one of the key locations that will take in...train...and mobilize 20,000 young people from within the city who will rise up as new believers and help to impact this entire City of Angels. You may read this and think..."Oh those radical YWAMers!" lol...but seriously...this prophecy has been confirmed with several other visions and pictures and other prophecies coming from among the organization's very founders all the way to having God impressing the same visions to our own staff. Believe it or not...LA is going to be woken up soon. God is moving...he is going to put his glory on display in a city that has been deadened to sin and life for too long. I'M SO STOKED!!!!!

While that, of course, is being prepared in the present...the result is future-oriented. my favorite:) so...shifting back into more of the present...As most of you know, i am currently staffing the School Of Ministry Development (SOMD). We are getting ready to go into our 5th week!! And as i think about it, it is a little ironic that i think to write this support letter now, because tomorrow we will start teaching on Faith & Finances lol. sum tight teaching from a great speaker. While staffing has been quite challenging...it has been dually rewarding. I get to wake up everyday and watch God at work within my student's lives. And He is quite the Artist!!! working it so uniquely and intricately with each one. A woven work of love and grace...ashes to beauty. Redemption and restoration!!! Freedom. These young adults are anchoring their faith roots in DEEP!!! allowing God to come in...clean house...and rebuild on the firmest foundation that will last and, in turn, multiply within others. It is seriously such a great blessing to have the privilege of walking them through with God. sum front-row action!! I have been learning so much...deepening my own roots.

A lil more future:)...I have decided to go on outreach with a team of 4 after the lecture phase is over...back to Mexico City!! We have the opportunity to enter into several specific ministries that are already being worked with...from counseling to street work. We will prolly stay 2-3 months. I will then head back to LA and prepare for the next phase of...i'm not sure...lol. But in the near future...most likely next Spring, I plan to join the Urban Dept here at the base. The Urban team works within the city of Los Angeles. We are partnering with them currently, attending and running the after-school program for at-risk youth. The program was started by the LAPD and they help keep the kids in line while we try to teach them about their worth...as well as how to do their algebra:). The kids are picked by the LAPD to join this program due to their poor behavior, criminality, and risk of gang involvement. We go with our students every Tuesday and Thursday, as well as Saturday morning now, to minister to these hurting kids. The Urban Team plans to purchase a house within the projects, prolly in the next year...moving into the worst communities (Pacoima/Watts) and bring the church to them. starting mini and gang DTS' (Discipleship Training Schools)...offering counseling...etc. The very ideas that God has downloaded upon my heart--SPECIFICALLY--he has also downloaded specifically onto the hearts of the Urban Team leaders!! i love it. i love the way God works.

So thats sum present n future breakin it down information! If you would like to be a part of these particular LA God works...please let me know!!! whether prayerfully or financially. It is helpful to me to know that i have people praying for me...specially when it is rough...i can think..."oh yeah, so n so are praying for me n got my back!". And financially, of course, is very needed. And i would love to know how i can be praying for you...so please don't hesitate to shoot me sum prayer requests!!! Love to all, and hope this note finds you doing well n with God stories of your own. oh yeah...n i'd love to hear bout your personal God experiences as well!!!!!!!!!

Kate

random exclamation

2010-10-04T23:14:00.000-07:00

how do i adequately express the dancing of my soul? how do i perfectly paint the landscape of joy threatening to explode from the depths of my being?

It is unlike any tweeked out trip. nothing money can purchase. nothing man could attempt to create. our mind can't comprehend it all...He is too enormous for our finite understanding

This is why i continue to choose faith...because i continue to see through experience. His presence fills me to overflowing...i cannot contain his goodness. i cannot possibly keep this treasure of joyous hope all to myself.

i belong. i belong to The Most High God. I can't seem to sleep! the excitement fills my heart and mind as i lay resting assured that i am His. I have been marked as His child. There is absolutely nothing that can separate me from this Love.

His very touch cascades down my cheeks in tears of comfort. i am loved. my breath is taken away by the gracious gentleness and pure love of oceanic proportions

This is my God. This is who i serve. This is who i will continue to live for.

The Power of Choice

2010-09-25T15:21:00.000-07:00

What's poppin, everybody???!!! Its been a minute since my last update, thus, i gotta lot in my head right now and its rather scattered...so i'll try n write it all out in a way that it'll make sense!

First things first: School (...Of Ministry Development-SOMD) has finally started!!! We are done with our first week and it was extremely challenging, but God's hand was so evident as we pressed foward. So...thats where i'll start to break it all down for you:)...

Even before the school started, as well as a couple days into the start of the week...i had the feeling of complete disaster. I felt that i could do nothing right...some things were brought against me...some things i brought against myself in response, and basically i felt like a complete failure...like i had nothing to contribute. I was asking myself and God why i was even here. "Why, God, do you have me here when everything seems to be going wrong?!" That was my honest question-asking to the God of the universe:) I was feeling. And it wasn't good feelings...it was...well...painful!

So...first choice that was brought before me: Do i choose to do whats right even when everything feels so painful and uncomfortable? Do i choose to respond in love to hurt. Do i choose the deepening of my roots in Jesus instead of trying to sooth my own pain? Do i choose to relinquish my rights...no matter how uncomfortable it is---in order to die to myself so that i can live fuller in Christ? Choosing to respond in my identity as a daughter of God (In those truths and not believing the lies). Not easy questions...even harder answers! Because you know what the answer should be, right? It kinda sucks knowing the answer...because then you are responsible to act. And the core of my thinking rooted back to the same problem that i've had before...trust. Do i REALLY trust God with my feelings...and if i choose whats right...will God meet me? Do i really believe that i am who God claims that i am? And if so...that means i have to live and respond accordingly. If i cross that line of faith (and i'm talkin hard out faith---for me at least---faith=trusting when you can't see---trusting that God has my best...that he won't abandon me to do this alone...) Will it be worth the pain and will God be on the other side of that line? I seriously cannot say that i knew he would meet me if i chose to trust him...if i chose to act in responding in truth and turning to Him. But even though my fear of rejection and my fear to live in truth of who i am (contrary to what i often choose---deep down inside) was challenging me and making me hesitate, my fear of not advancing...of staying in my crap...and of missing out of knowing more of who my God is, dominated my selfish and self-preserving tendencies.

And guess what?! He met me in my choice to trust him lol. Who knew?! This God i serve really does back up his words that he writes to us within the Scriptures! What a doubter i am. And i prolly will face this basic decision many many more times throughout this faith journey...but...thats just it; i know now that i, one: have the option of choice, and two: my God is for me. This is the e-mail i received from my big sis the morning after i chose to move forward in faith (and she didn't know anything of what i was feeling bc we hadn't talked!): "Kat, God has preserved your life for such a time as this! You are exactly where God wants you to be. Don't be discouraged; don't allow the enemy to allow you to be disheartened. Stand your ground against his attacks. know the Lord ahs called your name, has presered you and IS USING you greatly for His Kingdom." haha...just one more of the rewards i received from God!

God is faithfully bringing me to the end of myself, and will hopefully continue to do so the rest of my life. It is painfully uncomfortable, but it is totally worth it. Instead of functioning on what i know...or believing lies...or having all the answers...or responding out of fears...i know that there is a better way. Its funny how God shows up when we step out of the way. How much truth he has imparted to me when i feel like i know nothing.

Growing up in God is not comfortable! There will be sacrifice. And there will be times when God asks us to do things that are going to seem so hard for us, but he WILL give us the grace to get through it and he WILL show us the reward when we choose HIM. Truth was not intended to be merely absorbed...but experienced. We need to assimilate the Christ that we read about and memorize his words within Scriptures...but while Encountering Christ, Scripture, and Truth...versus Recounting. We have the choice and there is power within that choice---power to deepen the roots of our entire foundation of faith.

Details n a lil breakin it down!

2010-08-28T22:32:00.001-07:00

Hey to all my prayer warriors n supporting homies!!!!!

So...many of you have been askin for a run down on the details of what i'm currently up to, since i seem to enjoy bloggin it up bout the abstract and idealistic, overall thinkings of my brain instead of the detailed workings of the rational realities. haha. So...i'ma try my best to set a comprehensive picture up for you to understand:

This weekend i am moving into a new trailer with a new roomie (a very awesome roomie!!!) Her name is Helena...she is German...and alot like my oldest sister. So we are pretty much opposites, but i like it like that:) love her! and we will both be staffing together for this upcoming School Of Ministry Development (SOMD) (Also the school that i just completed myself). I live in the trailer with 3 other girls, not including Helena. How am i doing so far?! lol. And our room is freshly painted up---it looks moderny with deep reds, black and whites. i'ma fan. it feels more like a little apartment!

SOMD planning and training will begin this Monday and run up until the students come on Sept 18th. We still need to plan outreaches for after lecture phase...look and pray over a couple more student applications, and im sure alot more logistical work in the preparation for the school to start. SOMD, if i haven't explained it before, consists of a 3 month lecture/local outreach work---where the students learn their giftings and strengths....passions...community development...basic counseling techniques...worldview (which will blow their minds wide open)...faith and finances, etc. each week a new speaker comes to teach on these subjects and entertain questions and dialogue. The students will choose a focus track in which they will serve within the community during the week. Some will work with our Urban Team in going to Jeopardy (an at-risk youth center). The Urban team has been working with these at-risk youth for a long time and have built relationships with them. some of the other students will be working with a youth group through a community church....we have also started building relationships with the youth there. and still others will be working on furthering the relationships already established at the local skate park. Its gunna be so tight!!! After the 3 months of lecture is over, we will present them with overseas outreach locations which will last between 2-3 months...or some may choose to just stay long-term!

My job: I will be supervising the Jeopardy students and continuing fostering relationships with the kids there. i love those kids and have already met many of them throughout this summer. I will have a small group of students which i will meet with throughout the week...as a group and individually. Counseling skill refreshing will certainly occur i'm sure! This is what i am most excited for....discipling the students. pouring out to others, the wisdom and love that have been poured into me during my time here. This is why God called me to stay here with YWAM LA: To disciple. To learn more of the depths of his love and grace....to learn more. I am excited to lay down my life for these students and walk with them through their eye-opening revelations and through their challenges and processes of restoration. So...i'm getting carried away again with my passionate heart lol...but basically, i will be sitting through the class times with the students throughout the week...going to Jeopardy with them...attending staff meetings...helping with logistics and giving input to aid in the overall growth of the school and the students. I will be working alongside a very TIGHT staff and leadership. There is one overall school leader, Chanelle (who has also lead both my DTS and my SOMD) and 3 of us staff---me, my roommate, Helena...and Geoff. i love them all and we work and think so differently that it will be amazing to watch how God uses our uniqueness to complement the whole of the team for the advancement of God's glory.

People have asked me that now that i am on staff...i will be getting paid, right?! hahaha....ummmm...not so much lol. No YWAM staff gets paid, not even the base director. we are working on total faith with our finances...well...we do what we can and should in this area---raising support and creating budgets...and structuring our incomes with our expenses in wise ways, but in the end...God is seriously evident as our Daddy...our Provider. and to tell you the truth...it is SO AWESOME to see how he has already worked in this area in my time here. i kinda like it. i am forced to trust God, with money---which is not easy for me because money has been an ill subject for me. BUT...i have been shown a faithfulness that i would never have seen in the same way if i wouldn't have to give it up to Him. and as a result...my trust in my Daddy is increased immensly. I find out a little bit more of who it is that i serve. and my faith walk is lifted to new levels! so...with no further rambling in excitement....i come to a new thought...hence a new paragraph:)...

I am calling on anyone who reads this who may feel led to support me financially. and if you don't feel so led after reading this, i ask that you pray about supporting me haha. just to make sure:) I need your help in order to remain ministering within this setting at YWAM Los Angeles. I am trying to create a budget of $500 a month. I have $300 already pledged monthly. i prefer monthly giving, but obviously would greatfully welcome one time givings. If you are desiring to support me, you can send me a message on fb or give me a call: 317.332.4764 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting 317.332.4764 end_of_the_skype_highlighting. Or you can just go ahead and send a payment either through my paypal (located on the top right corner of my blogsite: http//www.stepup2life.blogspot.com....or mail it to YWAM LA attn: Registrar 11141 Osborne St Lake View Terrace, CA 91342

My staff contract with YWAM LA is a 2-year committment. but this doesn't mean i stay on the LA base the whole time. the leadership is starting up the same school (SOMD) in Brazil in this coming up March. I am praying about joining the staff team there. it would be ideal in my mind for starting to get plugged into the brazilian community and start connecting and working with the street children ministry there in Belo Horizonte. But we will see...God seems to have his own agenda for me, that doesn't always match up with my own ideas lol. But his plan is perfect. and his timing is perfect. and i know without doubt that he is preparing me to launch my visions and dreams. The vision of a safe house/rehab center for street kids and survivors of child trafficking/prostitution is still my dream. to have a team of therapists that work with the children...write the children's stories in a book for them not be forgotten...for societies to know of the pain that exists within this world. and a new dimension of thought has recently invaded my thinking. To not only have these kids be counseled and worked with in their skills and giftings so that they are prepared for life and supporting themselves...but to work alongside local churches and have church families adopt these kids...still being provided with family and individual counseling. I believe it is the job of the church to look after orphans....and we are failing at this. I want to replicate this idea in several countries: (at the moment i'm thinking about): Brazil, Thailand, Nepal, Phillipines, Cambodia, Africa (west and south)....and New York:)

So....there it is!!! hahah...the low down of my current stage of following God, and my future ideas that we are working up together. It's an exciting adventure...this God life...and i ask again, for you to be apart and to partner with me however you can. Thank you over n over again for all of the support many of you have blessed me with throughout my life and time here in LA. God has used you in such huge ways!!!!!!!

Love n blessings.

Kate

the conduit urgency

2010-08-22T22:37:00.000-07:00

We are called to be conduits of grace.

It is of great urgency that we embrace this grace in a manner that confidently receives and accepts the fullness of grace that we've been given alongside the glory that we are called to live INTO. Our thoughts, beliefs...our every detail of how we live our lives should align with integrity, the glory that we claim and excitedly teach others about. I feel that so often i live below this line. I often live very selfishly in choosing to accept less than what i have gained, through Christ. I also live selfishly in the fact that...if i continue to stubbornly refuse God's full gift of renewal and identity, then i fail to be capable of fully transferring that same gift of grace to others. I don't choose full restoration, and half-filled restoration is not acceptable. It is not life lived abundantly.

There are hurting people that i long to counsel and tell of God's great restorative power, but they suffer when i get in ruts of faulty thinking. they suffer when i choose not to live what i so passionately believe is possible. the hope and faith of life abundant--total transformation. When we linger in a stagnant state of self-consumption---always focused on "my issues" or holding on to offenses stacked against us from life---we stay right were Satan wants us...below our potential---not influencing others with high velocity of truth and restoration for the advancement of the Kingdom.

We are to "Take captive every thought". Our thoughts have power. Power to remain living in our filth of our pasts...or the power to live in transformation. The greatest gift we have and the most powerful one is our choice. We have to first realize this choice. Get out of the fatalistic mindset that life happens to us...that we have no influence over anything or anyone...that our thoughts and feelings---that we don't matter. The fundamental truth is quite the opposite. We matter. We influence--either positively or negatively---either half-heartedly or with passion. We have the choice. That is the depth of God's great love and respect for us. May we choose to utilize this freedom to further God's grace...fanning the flames of his hope over people's lives...taking up our position in God's great army---the position that he has assigned to each and every one of us---to fight for life lived in abundance, both here and for eternity.

May we awaken from our sleep of self-pity and self-focus, and realize the urgency of living fully in our transformed selves. transforming not only our behaviors but also our hearts and our minds in order that we live with purpose! In order that we bring the brevity of Christ's grace to lengths of this world. May we start giving out the grace that we have been given with such great price.

Recognize your God-given passions and strengths and choose to respond with passion of a self fully embracing their true identity---fully giving out instead of keeping for yourself.

True Living

2010-08-01T19:24:00.000-07:00

and the testing continues. while we are still on this world, it will. we will continue to see pain...to feel agony...to walk amidst suffering. But the price does not come without reward. Hope is not some elusive concept that Christians have made up to get through hardship; it is real and tangible. Joy has been ever present with me this week even amidst the hardest times of questioning and heart-breaking tragedy.

One of my heros left this world this week to be introduced, face-to-face, with her Father and Savior. Not fair, right??! yeah, ima bit jealous of her. Kandice was 28 years young, but lived more passionately and intentionally then most i know...pursuing God daily with all that she was, she impacted more in her 28 years than most will in a long-lived lifetime. The things of this world were of fleeting and ill purpose to her...her hope and purpose were deeply rooted in what was truth. True Kingdom living. Integrity. Her faith matched up with the way she lived her life...there was no room for questioning or doubt...just a pure representation of realness, vulnerability, passionate pursuit of eternal life...of truly knowing her Father. And people responded. people often best respond to realness. People know when you are being fake...they can spot hypocrisy from far away; and reversely, they know genuine living. I believe it is the cry of this culture...to encounter truth, the real deal, to understand what hope really is.

I cannot say that i am not mourning her separation, because i am. I cannot say that i didn't ask God that "why" question, over n over many days during her battling. I cannot say that i have not cried so many tears that i have made myself sick on multiple occasions, thanks to my new found ability to feel and process! But...i CAN say that while i have had my questions i have also been shown grace...joy when i never thought it possible...peace during pain...the understanding that even tho i may ask why, i am able to come back to the who. For it is not the 'why' that keeps me stuck anymore...it is the 'who' that i am able to grasp and grab tight to. The Who it is that i serve...the Who it is that loves me...us...and Kandice more than anyone on this planet. Craziness, i know, but truth nonetheless. I know my God. i know his character. ok both of those i am still in the process of knowing and understanding, but i have enough...and strong enough foundation, now, that i am able to experience more of Who He is through the crappiness of this life. I cannnot even tell you how much he met with me this past week and revealed more to me during this time than i ever would have imagined could have come through the pain. The point is 2-fold: To constantly pursue God with so much intentionality that you are learning more about the WHO again n again....so that when your faith is tested (when)...you have the strength of knowledge and truth to overcome...to be strengthened as a result of the testing. my faith has been strengthened once again, and i now, even more than before, desire to continue serving and knowing my God.

The celebration of her life this weekend was amazing. amazingly hard and good. brilliantly beautiful! So many testimonies of the character of Kandice and how she unceasingly impacted lives for the glory of the Kingdom! She left a 15 page outline of how she wanted the service to look lol...why did this not surprise me?! It was anything but ordinary...just like her life. we worshipped our God and encouraged one another. Kandice's mama and daddy were such an inspiration to me...encouraging everyone else, encouraging me so immensly with her words. And i will carry on her passions...i will carry on her truth...i will continue to persevere and passionately live out Truth and Love while i am still living on this earth. i will continue to pursue the Christ that she so consistently represented to me. To my hero...I promise to live this life out fully and purposefully for the God and Savior that we both adore. Enjoy soaking in his radiant presence my sister. i cannot wait to see you again soon. what a jealous and loving God we serve.

"I am making ALL things new..."

2010-07-19T16:15:00.000-07:00

"The testing of your faith develops perserverence. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

James 1:4

Oh the process!! I've been feelin that more than ever the last week or so. Testing from all sides...lies pressing in...tryna dent my faith foundation...tryna cloud truth. And this morning i felt the breakthru. This morning i felt God saying, okay...Kate, where are you? You are my beloved. You are my chosen. You are not alone in this...I am making ALL things new. I am such a feeler that if i'm not feeling God's presence, tangibly...I feel the testing take hold of my mind. I am learning the vital importance of perserverance and and holding strong to my faith despite seeing. It is seriously a battle of the mind. And while satan might have won a battle or two in my mind this past week...he has not come close to winning the war of my life. I am stronger from this week...from the testing...from the battling. Same tactics...different outcomes. He think he can play this game with me but im learnin the strategy...I have a teammate that never loses lol. and he knows that...the thing ive realized is that i have to know this too...i have to believe this with ALL that i am or i am leaving my mind open to a dangerous opponent. The mind is a powerful thing. Thank you, Jesus, for continuing to equip it...sharpening me and caring enough to mold n polish me daily.

God is making my mind new each day. A true renewing of identity...mental transformation...into more of his likeness and truths. Not a bad deal. And he desires to make ALL things new...even while we are still aliens on this sin-ridden earth. Even amidst the pain, suffering, trials, tempations...the barriers of this world...he delights in transformation and COMPLETE redemption. walking in pure and whole truth and joy---today---He wants to inhabit us to the very depths of our soul so that we are able to walk in his fullness while we are physically separated from him. We have COMPLETE access to him. Now. Thru his Spirit. He loves us that much! He has equipped us this much...let us wrap ourselves in this truth continually so that we may envelope his likeness to the highest potential and regain the territories of lies that surround us for God's glory. May we walk faithfully with Kingdom identity and mentality.

The Forward Cost:

2010-07-14T03:11:00.000-07:00

So...i had more to add on the thoughts of the last blog post, but i didn't wanna risk overloadage. this way you can read in parts lol.

But i was thinkin...on how the concept of sacrifice and cost apply to my life at the moment. And i'm sure there are multiple ways i can paint ya a picture on how these two concepts are shaping and stretching me, but i have a few specifics that i wanna expose, at the moment, that have been on my mind.

The cost of identity. The cost of choosing. The cost of sacrificing myself...my pride...my independency...aspects that i have held closely...more like in a vice-tight grip all of my life. Shaping the way i think...feel...perceive...believe...react...live. To get close up n personal witchu...the cost for me right now is shedding the painful layers of faulty thinking that i have collected as scar tissue over the years...those layers of my being that i have incorporated into my identity...its a painful process of sanctification and becoming Christ-like. You are basically dying...its a no wonder that it hurts. You cannot gain Christ without dying first to yourself. Its impossible...believe me...i've tried.

I had integrated all of these lies and faulty ways of thinking and believing into my very core of self. Sorry, God...you are having to do sum deep-rooted surgery at times! And i'ma be honest. It sucks letting go. Its not a giving up...its a giving over. Its a loss of control...its a loss of seeing...its a loss of self. But its the gain of life. life lived in abundance...in the true identity that Christ created for us. Everyday it is a choice...a fight...to live in truth. To discard lies and my long-held to ways of thinking and believing...and violently throwing them at the feet of my Savior because i choose not to accept them any longer. I CHOOSE to transform and continually baptize not only my my heart over to God...but also my head and how or what I think. Will i continue to entertain the devil? or will i embrace truth...my freely given, fought for, and costly identity and inheritance as a pure, smart, capable and REDEEMED daughter of the King? Sometimes i feel like i really don't have a choice...like there is no way i cannot not choose these truths because it is life or death for me. Do i want death? Or do i want life? Its really that dramatic...its that vital to realize what we are truly choosing. sometimes for me it is really that deliberate as well lol.

It is a choice to remain stuck...or to move forward...to grow. No matter how minute the steps forward are...as long as progress is seen, it is growth. it is the choice of life. And it is absolutely necessary to recognize the progress. This is when looking back highlights your progression forward and helps you recognize growth and the whole of the ever-constant process. Aren't processes fun?! lol. Sometimes it is essential for us to make the choice even when we "aren't feeling it"---i have found that it is key for me to deliberately walk and talk in the opposite direction when a lie is uncovered and recognized. Something so intricate about our brains in that speaking things out...whether it be a lie or a truth...it is made more real...it is then that much more embedded and attached to our identit and self-concept...and is that much more able to influence our consequent thinking, feeling, and behaving. straight up Cognitive-Behavioral business! It is urgent for us to embrace our God-given identities and inheritances. we will not impact this world to our highest potentials if we choose to live in mediocrity of lies and half-truths. Choose life.

Endurance of Choice

2010-07-14T01:51:00.000-07:00

I listened to this sermon podcast the other day and it blew my mind yet again. So as to process my thoughts out and effectively apply the concepts heard into my living...i'ma download for ya.

The preacher's name is Kris Vallotton. The title of the sermon was Perserverence, Pain & Suffering. (you can download his podcasts for free on itunes): yeah...so not exactly a topic one would naturally gravitate towards choosing to listen to, but thats kinda the why as to what i wanna break down.

We, as Christians...maybe also with the addition of the American outlook...view the above 3 concepts as needing to be avoided. Thats completely how i thought for 20 plus years...and even now have difficulty breaking open the boxed up worldview of the need to avoid pain at all costs. self-preservation. Not feeling the bad. Not thinking the hard. Not going through the valleys...always living for the high...the miracle...the provision of our wants and perceived needs. the "right" answer to our prayers. This is gunna step on sum toes, i jus know it, lol...because it even causes my own self to cringe on writing out the words of truth. Its uncomfortable for me to write out because i know i'm not there...will i ever be??

But the truth is: We need to learn how to live and endure through the ordinary instead of constantly focusing only on the highs and miracles. We miss so much in the normality that life capitalizes on. We are seemingly at a loss for how to perservere and ENDURE pain...and with that...how to endure everyday life. Its a choice. it always is:) the word endure implies choice. Jesus did not enjoy the pain he had to experience on the cross...he chose to endure it. What if he hadn't of chosen to endure? Joy would elude us. Salvation would be null. Because the truth is this: If you do not choose to enter into and endure the pain, suffering and perserverence, you will also be choosing to throw away the best gifts of joy as a reward and result. we will actually miss walking into those places of miracles that we long for. we lock ourselves out, to not only the worst, but also the best. And we live in incomplacency within the normal routine of daily life. we become joyless and unable to endure normality. Its a choice to press in...to make decisions that will bring you to a stronger point for the next day. He gave the example of the task and hard work of splitting logs. the question was asked "How many times do i have to hit the log until it splits?"...the answer "As many times it takes until it splits". Simple truth. But you can train and equip---learn that the log splits when you hit it in the same spot consistently...not when you keep trying to hit it differently...in different spots. Its all about consistency. Our faith is not about seeking and praying FOR the breakthrough as much as it is seeking and praying for the sake of continually going back---continual relationship...prayer...growth. You never know how close you are to the actual breakthrough...but that isnt your focus...the focus is hitting it on the same spot, consistently.

And when that miracle is not seen...we become disillusioned; thinking that something is wrong...its when our expectations don't get met...we begin to think that maybe we are disqualified from God's miracles. We quit. We become disappointed in God...we question his character as a result of a situation gone wrong in our minds...we twist our perspective on his goodness...we drift away from intimacy with Him as a result. we lose that part of our faith that gives us hope. Its when you have to have pure faith---and hope against hope---when we can then...and only then...truly believe. Believe in the character of the God that we serve...belief...when we don't feel or think it---that foundation that we have as the protection against the coldness of this world's hopelessness and death. We stop expecting, we stop believing, we stop praying! when it doesn't go our way or we experience pain...we get hurt...we suffer....this is when we, for some reason, insist on changing something so that we don't have to revisit these feelings. how many times have we stopped praying...one prayer too soon...one more prayer and plea to our Father---and we may have moved his heart? How many times have we given up...on someone...on something...in order to preserve ourselves? Avoid suffering? It is not a sacrifice if it does not cost us something. we are called to sacrifice in this life of faith...for others...for the advancement of the Gospel...for the glory of our King. I think its time that we add the following words to our vocabulary, thinking, and life: Suffering. Sacrifice. Pain. Endurance. Perserverence. It hurts, right? Uncomfortable?...of course. Necessary? You tell me. Do you really want to see the miracles? Do you really want to see what faith, joy, satisfaction and comfort feel like? Do you want to experience these gifts in the middle of the race..the through the ordinary routine? Choose to enter into the struggle...choose true FAITH.

I will choose to fight. I will choose to wake up every morning and enter into the struggle of working this faith out...i will choose endurance even when i don't feel it. i will choose to feel even when it hurts or is uncomfortable...or will prove to cause me pain and suffering. i will choose because Christ chose. I will choose because i desire the more. Oh God, help me to CHOOSE YOU!!!!

Love you all. please continue to pray for me to choose these truths consistently and continue to pursue growth, despite the cost.

Exposing Christianity

2010-06-29T23:34:00.000-07:00

The end of 3 months within the School Of Ministry Development has ended and a new season has begun, within the position of staffing the program of Mission Adventures, for the summer. We are in our first week with kids from a youth group located in Mesa, Arizona. We are way BUSIFIED. Yes...thats a new word, apply it into your vocabulary today:) Note to self: I love people...especially young people. Moldable minds...hungry and searching for identity and their place in this world. I think i'm gunna like this discipleship role. So thats this summer...hosting a new team of youth groups each week...taking them all over LA, checking out the city...street n BEACH evangelism...helping out in local ministries...teaching the kids about their strengths, about God, about their inheritance and destinies available to them through their relationship with God. It's pretty tight business! After this week...we have 4 more weeks left. Then I have a couple weeks down time before starting to staff the Fall School Of Ministry Development, with an amazing and uniquely dynamic team of staff. I CAN'T WAITTTTTTTT!!

So thats a low-down of whats been up the last several weeks. For MA training we visited this organization called PATH the other week. Its a comprehensive homeless shelter. We got talking to a guy that lives there about Christianity. He actually brought it up and had some pretty intense opinions of us...thus leading me to the need to process out sum thoughts on the topic:)

Christianity. We hear this word, religion, classification...thrown around alot in the States, right? But what does it really categorize to the rest of the world? In my opinion, I think the term has been incredibly tainted, and the image it bears is not a quality representation of what i take it to hold. I almost hesitate in labeling myself a Christian, as i have come to realize that what the world sees in the meaning is not at all what i want attached to my identity. So...my favorite part...the root causes:) And to be straight up with you, i think alot of the responsibility in this negative association lies in the hands of Christ-Followers, themselves. We have ALLOWED Christianity to be slandered, mistreated, misrepresented...as we sit on our sofas---perhaps disagreeing---but doing nothing to contradict or challenge. We are not playing this game right! We are on the defense without any offensive strategy or application. I feel like lines are being drawn left and right, but so many self-deamed "Christians" are satisfied with sitting out. Our complacency will soon overtake us. We CANNOT sit idoly by why the "world" defines us...while the WORLD participates---while the world is the only one debating with thier lives. We MUST live our faith out. We must give a rebuttle to the worldly-minded through the activity of our lives. Because faith without action is pointless. We are called to defend the Gospel by walking it out---Everyday my sisters n brothers---everyday we wake we must choose to enter into the struggle---to fight the war that is being waged in our very midst. Souls are at stake! We MUST care what people think of us, for it is by our lives that God is represented---whether in a positive or negative way, whether we like that fact or not. His very essence---the sanctity of His very name is worn on our hearts and displayed to the world by how we live this life out. Are we representing His heart well?? Do we really know him well enough to rep it out correctly---humbly---with integrity, fervency, and boldness? Are we giving all of our heart and mind to God or are we taking all that we can from him without giving any or just parts of us in return? Just some questions that have been rolling around in my mind lately! No big deal lol.

Lets put a new spin on this definition of Christianity. Lets step up and redefine and redeem the meaning and purpose of our faith, so that God is seen for all who he truly is...no room for doubts or condemnation. For if we are rightly walking in the footsteps of our Savior, there will be no open door for slander or a misinformed society.

Prayer Points:

*Staying focused on the ultimate goal of Christ-likeness and knowing God---during this season
*Perserverance and diligence through mundane tasks
-I thrive on relationships over tasks---and the way MA is set up this year is that the staff is split into 2 teams. one team is with the kids during the week and the other team is doing work tasks---mainly in the kitchen all day.

*Trusting God with all things---finances---family---Trust in general:)
*Sleep! I'm having trouble turning my mind off at night---no sleep plus work all day equals exhaustion.

Thanks to all of you!!! much love.

kate

Downloadage

2010-06-07T15:36:00.000-07:00

Hi!!!! alright, ima get down to business n letchu in on sum recent decisions that God has me traveling through.

I'm so glad that God is in control of my life and has it all planned out before I do...and that i don't necessarily know it all in advance because i would be a bit discouraged at the PROCESS of life---guess what...its not all bout the destination of your goals lol. Each step leads me closer to achieving those goals but more importantly...closer to my ultimate Love and Father.

I wasn't planning on doing this School Of Ministry Development lol...i was planning in my head to go straight to Brazil. God has me in Brazil, he's laid this country and people strongly on my heart, but during this school he has added a few countries to my heart: Nepal, Thailand, Philipines...(ok yeah, I'll just say it, i definitely had to look up on a map where these countries were! But there are a ton of maps around a YWAM campus lol). In saying this, i am thinking that God doesn't have just one country in my future...but a few? I've also been wondering about New York City. Its just interesting that God can take my vision of Brazil and turn my dreams into HIS...He takes my passions and uses them for HIS purposes. I'm so thankful for this, because i've learned that anything i try to do on my own---without the equipping of the Holy Spirit---is worthless.

So, in continuing what it was that i was not planning on doing...i continue with what GOD has planned for me lol. And that is where this summer and fall---actually the next two years---play into the mix. I had been asking God for months to reveal his best for me and my future, and last Tuesday he cleary laid his will on my heart. He asked me if i would be willing to staff the same school that i am currently in, for the Fall. Before Tuesday i would have definitely frowned on that request because i was ancy to go....somewhere....i don't like to stay in one place for too long, no matter how awesome it is! But God seriously met my fears with joy and peace for this task of discipling others. God has been laying this message of our need to disciple others on my heart from the start of the school. The fact Jesus' last exhortation to his people was to go and make disciples...it must be pretty big stuff. So this divine proposal was downloaded on Tuesday and so i was just praying into it all day and on Wednesday i was asked by one of my leaders to join her Fall SOMD staff. She was like...pray into it and come back and let me know lol...i told her i already had and accepted the offer because i know it is a God assignment.

SO...going on staff with YWAM requires a 2-year commitment. But my leaders are planning to bring this school to Brazil in March, lol...and I am included in those plans! Wait...did someone say Brazil?! haha...School Of Ministry Development with the youth of Brazil...discipling the nations...i'm in:) I will get to bring in my counseling background to these schools and use my gifts in this area with the students. The first Discipleship Training School that i did last fall will be going on at the same time as the SOMD here in LA, and i am looking into working with the Justice Track that i was apart of during my DTS...bringing in crisis counseling teaching and continuing to work with the issue of human trafficking. As a staff member for the SOMD school this Fall, i will be running small groups, meeting 1-on-1 with students, working with staff to continually improve how we run things, and contributing my counseling knowledge to staff n students.

So thats the Fall...plus lol. And for the Summer...I am going on staff for a program named Mission Adventures. It is a 2 month program in which youth come to the base in order to learn more about Jesus and Missions. My role will be to partner with our existing Urban Team in helping to lead and facilitate these youth in their missions work throughout the city of Los Angeles...as well as disciple them on the base. Every week will be a new team of youth and i will be living in the trailers (dorms) with the kids, leading small groups, influencing them in good ways:) basically more discipleship.

The current school that i am in ends on the 18th of June. Misson Adventures (MA) starts shortly after and ends mid August. Then the Fall SOMD that i will be staffing starts September...18/19? Thats the best i can do with dates right now:) So, even though i did not exactly plan for these things, i am so excited for them because i know that if i am in God's will then i am in the best place! And the team i will be working alongside during both MA and SOMD is amazingly awesome. We all have great gifts and unique talents and personalities that will be great to work with. This place has become my home and i love these people. Some of why i felt my own fears and anciness effecting me---i have this fear and anxiety that comes when i start to feel attached to a place or people. But interdependence is Godly and Kingdom Living...and my independent dependency on myself is getting worked on.

So thats the plan! I feel like i've written "so" alot of times lol. anyways...hopefully this all makes some sense and do know that my visions for Brazil...Nepal...Thailand (street kids and child prostitution/human trafficking) is also heavy on God's heart and i know he is preparing the way for me to work in these countries and areas. Please be patient with me! I guess i just need extra preparation. I had to get rid of stubborn and major cracks in my foundation---actually i kinda just bulldozed it and started over---because ya'll know i don't do things half-hearted:) So its taking some time...but i'm becoming more n more cool with the process of living. To all of you who have supported me through encouragement, prayers, calls, emails, money....any n every which way...you don't know how much i appreciate you!!! If you want to continue to financially support me in these new upcoming adventures i would welcome it:) Going on staff with YWAM doesn't mean we now get paid haha...so i still need to support raise. But to tell you the truth...it is an exercise of faith for me and i love seeing my Daddy provide for me in these ways...its cool:) Its cheaper tho! Staff fees are $250 per month. This includes housing/food. I have developed a budget that looks something like $500/mo (phone/loans). If you are interested or feel so led to participate in these plans with me i would love to develop a list of monthly support/(ers). I have the spreadsheet ready to tract everything! haha...i'm getting better with the details. Please contact me. email or cell: 317.332.4764. Questions are welcome. Love you all,

Kate

Born Again...AGAIN.

2010-05-08T19:18:00.000-07:00

So this is whats currently rollin around in my mind:)....

Technically, the United States among other nations would be considered a "Christian" country, meaning that, if you took a poll of what people would characterize their identified religion as, the majority would term themselves "Christian". Interesting, to say the least, when you look around at the depravity of morality and values that shape our families, churches, communities, and consequently...our entire nation. Christianity has become the popular religion that stands merely as a title throughout many lives, falling short of characterizing a Christ-like generation or country. And to tell you the truth, as i see it, i believe that the church is responsible for this epidemic. I'm just sayin...how many churches line the streets, left n right? Freedom of speech and action have gone off the deep end in so many ways, but has the church really stepped up and out into their surrounding communities to speak and show The Kingdom in boldness and strength? We are trying to fight a spiritual battle as individuals, instead of uniting the army of the church into action.

It comes down to this: transformation of not only our hearts, but also our minds. Being born again in our hearts and then born again AGAIN...in the total conversion within our minds. Letting truth reign over the lies that have shaped our thinking...whether cultural, theological religiousity, or through any other source of our upbringing. It is impossible to even be aware of lies that we live into without taking a moment to think critically how our beliefs and values have shaped our lives and how we consequently are aligning ourselves with what Jesus spells out for us in his Word.

We have been given the power to co-create with the Most High God. to speak and shape culture into representations of more of what God's Kingdom looks like. We as God's people are to stand against the evil that surrounds us, that being, natural evil, institutional evil, and moral evil. When societies are build on morality...just nations will develop. It is not the resource of money that many countries, such as Haiti, are lacking, it is moral values. Poverty is not a result of lack of income more than it is a result of deceitful greed within the corruption of government. And our task as Christians, within the Great Commission, is not to "evangelize and save the lost"; it is clearly stated that we are to make DISCIPLES of ALL NATIONS. Our task. To bring heaven to earth. Not to merely survive...but to live and help others live abundantly. It is a transformation of our minds that needs to occur here...a conversion that is not only limited to a one-time heart decision.

We, as representatives of Christ, are to bring Christ and his kingdom into every aspect of living. into the spheres of government, education, communities. Bringing Christ into every area of not only our own thinking...but the minds of those that we DISCIPLE. This is the only way to true freedom. The church is not telling the whole story. we must tell the whole breadth and depth of God's story. "They kingdom come, They will be done...on earth as it is in heaven". "If the church does not disciple the nation, the nation will disciple the church"--And..."If the church is not intentionally bringing the entire biblical story to people and nations, then the prominent view of the culture (the culture's worldview) will influence and shape the church"---Darrow Miller (our speaker this last week). What parts of the transformational story of Truth does your society need to hear? Where is history going...and how will you influence it??!

James states it well in the remix version of The Message, "In simple humility, let our gardener, God, landscape you with the Words, making a salvation-garden of your life". ----of your life----Im pretty sure this is referring to all aspects of your life, not just a prayer you might have said in order to receive salvation. We are to live the kingdom out. Not just in speech, but in the inegrity of a complementary life of action. The Kingdom of God is anywhere God's will is done--where Christ the King rules.

How will we empower our churches to better shape families, socities, nations?? Our complacency is dangerous and will better serve to assist the Enemy in his agenda rather than furthering God's Kingdom. Start with the transformation of your own mind. move into the transformation of others through discipleship...in combination, we will transform the church...acting out what the church should look like outside of the building. We are falling short in bringing justice...love...God to people and nations. It is time to baptize our minds and shape the army of God!

Thank you for your continued prayers, support, and discipleship in my life. We just got back from staying a week in Tijuana, Mexico---learning about this biblical worldview stuff...taking a couple dips in the ocean...and getting to participate in a prayer walk around the worst (legal) prostitution area in Tijuana. young girls lining the streets, barely clothed, and strung out on drugs in order to get through their job. white men leading girls to hotels. people shooting up drugs in the open street. in short...sheer depravity. The Kingdom definitely needs to be brought here. we also helped in handing out soup to the homeless within a park that many use to bring their small children to to sell to the highest or maybe not...maybe for whatever price they can get. But God's hope is being carried into this city through the YWAMer's from the Tijuana base and it was breathtaking to see unfold. Lately (within my time here with YWAM) I have felt this intense urgency to truly transform my own heart and mind into that which is the best continual working out of my faith and representation of truth of Christ. This is what I will carry into the world. Please pray that i continue to open all areas of my heart to Christ so that he can touch them and renew me into a better image of wholeness as he created us to be.

kate

The Cost of Faith

2010-04-26T22:53:00.000-07:00

Round two:) Sorry but i gotta get sum of these thoughts outta my head because too much information is coming in and i gotta filter sum out to make room lol.

So...here we go...Here are sum of what has been going on in my life the past couple weeks...

Finances. Money. Loans. AHHH!! Just hearing and actually just writing out those words causes major panicking within my head and the kind of anxiousness that you would feel right before taking an important final exam. there is so much negativity attached to these words for me. On wednesdays we have a faith n finances optional fasting of lunch. well...for me it automatically becomes breakfast and lunch lol. anyways...I was deferring loans 2 wednesdays ago...and was going to go into the prayer and fasting group time, but was freaking out from discussing the word money with loan people, so i decided to breathe and take sum time alone with my Daddy. I was thinking...dang, why the heck am i here in LA...learning how to best put my ministry visions into play...if i have no chance at making it a reality?

The way i was seeing it was that my student loan debt was standing in the way from what the Lord is calling me to. Tangibly it is in the way...but then again...is it really in God's way?? Is anything really bigger than God?! Is anything really an unmovable obstacle for Him?? As i was walking and praying out aloud (people passing by prolly thot i was psychotic) lol...He hit me with these words: "What is it really going to cost you to have true faith?" And my sudden realization: It will cost me nothing...in terms of wordly money...it will cost me everything in terms of laying down my freaking fear.

This is what i have to give up: The embedded lie that my life is not of real value and worth to the 'mission field'; that i have not earned the gift of grace and lavishing of the fulfillment of my dreams; that i'm not good enough to pursue the passions that God has laid so heavily on my heart; i have to lay down the thought (lie) that God will not provide for me in this way; that He has better people to choose and to invest in....that He is not more powerful than debt. I realized that i had to choose...yes, once again...God is urging me to choose. To choose Him over Me. The reality of WHO He is....and the reality of the lies that i so easily hold on to and let myself get held back by.

This enlightening of his power and love for me is surprisingly overwhelming for me...it means i have responsibility to act of truth. to pick my feet up out of this sludge...and continue to pursue...with ALL OUT FAITH...that which God has laid before me, and how he has laid out each step for me. I am not in control!! haha...ahh...its so scarey...why? I suck at life when i try n take control...why is it so frightening to give it up? Oh God...help me!! Help me to give this life up as yours. ALL of me...not just a part. You are not just Lord over my Sundays or worship times...you are Lord over every freaking area of my life. Take it. Continue to help me walk this out...my Daddy...my Provider.

oh...forgot to mention: the week following this revelation was entitled "Faith & Finances" during lecture LOL. Does God have a sense of humor or what??!

Sorry...for all you practical and realistic thinkers:)....yeah this means simply that i am learning to have trust and this kind of radical faith in every part---meaning even in my finances part---of my life. SO...right now i am not totally sure of the next steps...of HOW God will choose to provide for me...but i'm thinkin its gunna be pretty radical:) cuz thats my life. and thats my God that i serve. haha...He blows my mind. So i will continue to pursue HIM....and He will direct my steps. This may mean pursuing Him...pleasing him over people...i don't know. it usually does!

Pray for me, PLEASE. particularly for direction; boldness of faith and pursuit; walking out his will at whatever the particular cost; and strength in obedience.

Thank you. I could not live this life without the encouragement, and truth in love/guidance that i receive from so many!!!

Peter-Like Transformation:

2010-04-26T22:11:00.000-07:00

so we've been spending sum time in praise n worship to go over the gifts of the Holy Spirit, and this week we focused on gentleness. Sometimes i think that my general and overall demeanor is for the most part gentle...but now n then...and when the "then" is too often the "now"...i feel like i could explode with impulsive aggression. Appearantly Peter had this problem as well in his beginning stages of walking out his faith. In the Garden of Gethsemene (sp?)...while he was sposed to be praying it up, he was interrupted by the high priests coming to convict Jesus. Peter pulls out this knife that i guess he just keeps on him for praying purposes??...and wacks off the ear of the high priest's slave. thats sum pretty intense impulsivity n aggression.

So Jesus rebukes him and all...and then later on, when Peter is writing it up in the New Testament...he encourages us to take a gentle and Christ-like approach to our anger. I think he had sum time in-between writings to work on this character quality...but i just thought it was cool to see the vast transformation get painted out by the Master Artist. Gentleness. Gentle anger. And this term does not mean weak or passive anger...i think gentleness has been given a bad name by western society that values conquere thru force and standing for your rights at any and every cost. the cost of character...the cost of morality...the cost of your entire soul. Gentle anger involves fighting with dignity and with Christ as our guide.

This is the process of extreme transformation that i seek for my own life as a follower of God. A life lived BY FAITH. BY EXPERIENCE. BELIEF=BYLIFE. My worst fear: To become complacent...stuck in my---self. I seriously have nothing to live for in and of myself. Its brokenness. Its a tangled web of confusion and lack of true identity...fear...hopelessness. Its death. I don't know how many times i pray to God to save me from my self. I am my worst enemy at this point in my life. Belief is a choice. Its a choice for me to get up every day and choose to live in freedom...to choose life and not death. to choose my identity, my destiny...hope. I get to choose to either fall back or move forward each day. This realization of the urgency of need to take authority in who I am in Christ is kinda overwhelming...but sobering at the same time. I have a choice! sometimes i forget this. Actually i forget this alot. But everyday...haha...everyday i choose, i hammer the nail in that much more:) And since this life is such a process....one day maybe that nail will be cemented in all the way. And i'll be able to tackle the next one...and the next...constantly improving my foundation, and opening the door to freedom that much more.

Thank you, God, for being so patient with me.

Don't Waste Your Walk:

2010-04-12T13:46:00.000-07:00

I'm feelin this title more than ever in several key areas of my life lived in Christ. "Don't Wast Your Walk"...what does this mean to me??

First, it means walking in my true identity of who i now know i am through being a daughter of the most High King. Not living in the lies that often nag at my thoughts: "God is unhappy with me, so i must do something good to appease Him"; "God is changeable and may alter his opinion of me at any time, so i have to constantly prove i'm a good daughter"; or that "God is simply a responder and will react to me with either punishment or reward, so i will do all things that merit a reward".

The key to trampling over these lies is replacing them with truths. For instance, grasping the concept of our restored identity...that we are "seated with him" through the simple yet complex power of the cross...of His incomprehendable love and mercy. Remembering that it was his plan at the very start of life to place us (our sinful and ignorant selves) in Him (who is perfect and always holy). He proves this to us by giving us the gift of the Holy Spirit (His Spirit), to us...not to leave us whenever we mess up, but to show us what his never-ending love and grace looks like, guiding and carrying us through life's endless battles.

As God restores our identity...he simultaneously reveals it to us in ways that we are able to comprehend and individually apply to our self-image. Through revelation of our identity, we are taught how to walk it out...what a worthy and new walk looks like, as compared to the Father's, and now that we are aware, the admonition and warning of not wasting that walk.

Thirdly, we are now capable of retaining this new identity by standing firm in our faith and in God's strength versus our own. we are able to utilize the power of the Holy Spirit in our lives and actively live out who we are as sons and daughters of Jesus Christ!

Powers of darkness have lied to us and told us that "only some of us were meant for ministry". This is the reason that so many people groups are still unaware of God's testimony and salvation. EVERYONE has "A CALL" on their life. Christianity is a 24-7 way of life...not just something to be categorized into a sunday church attendance or wednesday night prayer group. It is HOW you live out your faith. Being a Christian equals an OUTFLOW vs an inflow. The Spirit of God is upon us to meet the needs of humanity. How are you doing this in your everyday life?? To minister means to serve. How are you serving?? Serving is not to be done JUST within the church but to every being (Mark 16:15). I think sometimes we view service as merely an occasional good act conducted within the safe walls of the church. while serving within the church is an aspect of servanthood, it is not the whole of it. we are called to minister and deliver the gospel message to "every creature"...not just those you know are open to hearing it.

God has been asking me over and over lately to what degree will i sacrifice for Him. What will i give up...what parts of my self am i willing to die to...and to what degree?? How important is it to me to truely and, with full out pursuit of passion, live my life according to his will for me as i understand it...to throw off my old identity and fully embrace who i am in Him. It leads to many crises of dilemmas...forks in the faith road where i have to consciously choose to obey and dive in...sometimes blindly, sometimes aware of the diffulty that lies ahead.

How do you walk out your faith...your hope...your love of Jesus Christ every day?? Is it a passion to you? A value that you have cultivated in your life? Or are we merely making excuses for our laziness through our human tendencies towards certain personality characteristics? "I don't share the gospel with unbelievers because I am not a quote on quote evangelist?" That is a very dangerous mindset to allow our faith to be controlled by. Are we not called to proclaim his name to every generation and people? Are we categorizing our faith? Pursuing Christianity merely on Sunday's?

"Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." Heb. 12:1.

What are we willing to sacrifice to bear the name of Jesus? To carry out his love to our communities...countries...nations?? Will we be challenged to give up time? Maybe its a steady income of money...personal inconveniencies of uncomfortable situations. Are we really willing to take up our cross and walk this faith life out? Better yet...to walk it out with reckless abdandon...abandonment of self, recognition, pride, comfort, maybe stability......?

Who Defines You?? Your Life Or Your Life Giver?

2010-04-08T16:14:00.000-07:00

Starting SOMD (School Of Ministry Development) off to a tight start with Passions, as our first week of teaching and Effective Personal Ministry, this week. Already I've been blown away with the eye opening discovery of truths that God is placing in bold letters on my heart, and highlighting as foundational areas in my life that i need to continue to cultivate and hammer in.

So lets start it up with passion:)...

I've discovered a few flaws in some of my motivations concerning my passions. For example, my highly prioritized passion of justice. Some of the roots as to how I pursue justice within the depths of my heart seem to flow from a hint of tinted unjust and unrighteous anger...and cover not only the unjust actions being witnessed, but also take aim at the individual perpetrating the injustice. I desire for my heart to be as lined up as possible with the heart and just anger of the Lord's so as to ensue the most effective outcome possible; those changes that impart the most positive significance to further the kingdom of Christ and to proclaim justice out of LOVE for not only the broken-hearted and abused, but also for the abusers.

ouch. The only way for me to pursue this selfless form of justice and love is to dive further into the heart and character of my Jesus. Our passions determine what we believe in as well as our behaviors. I do not want to react out of my selfish ambition and judgmental imposition, but out of God's heart and his alone. Jesus asks us "Are you willing to drink this cup?"; Are we willing to sacrifice...suffer for...perhaps die for_________?

Christ did all of these for the sake of sinners. Those sinners of which were not limited to child molesters, psychopathic murderers, cheaters, or those who inflicted pain on this world. He saw their sin and loved them as who he intended them to be...how he created them...he grieved the loss of their souls and hearts; and yes, he is angered at injustices committed, but does not direct his anger at the "who" of the sinner but instead, focuses his anger on the "what".

Its an intense and convicting basis of thought and substance of heart! We have to be DESPERATE to throw off our old and wrong passions of the heart, and with wholehearted urgency, pursue the passions of God's heart.

This is why it is so essential to baptize our minds so that they are soaked in spiritual truth and passion. Our beliefs should influence our life experiences more so than our life experiences influencing our beliefs. How you live puts on display what it is that you are devoted to! For example....is your life characterized by the priority of watching the most recent episode of the bachelor---feeding your present comforts---self-protection---spending the majority of your time watching tv, reading pointless material, or for me...listening to music that distracts me from what my true identity in Christ really is. Look at your bank statement...what do you spend the most money on? What do you find yourself talking about over and over with all your friends...yourself? Things about you? Recognizing your passions and what you place high value on helps you to see the influences that have shaped you. It helps you decide what kind of impact you want your life to leave behind.

It was humbling and revealing to analyze and recognize my own passions and values, thus also being made aware of my non-biblical values or aspects that need to be improved and strengthened. And I encourage you to do the same...to put your passions, your values, under the microscope and look through the heart of God. It is important that we continue to move forward in our growth as followers of Christ so that we are capable of bringing the most glory to our Father as possible...so that the most people are reached and communicated appropriately and rightly about the heart of our Daddy...and so that their lives may also be the most effective for influencing others towards the heart of God, thus furthering His kingdom and glory, one of our highest goals as servants and children of God!

And I'll stop with the highlights of this past teaching and save this week's series for a different setting so as not to bore you and hurt my brain any further:) As always, I am humbled and encouraged by your support and love in my pursuit of God, his truths, and present and future ministries!!

To all my financial supporters...I have all of my money in for my school fees, but I am still trying to raise more money for outreach ministry both right after this school (perhaps partnering with a few other students) and continued ministry---be that where God leads me at the proper time. I am also trying to pay off my monthly school loans while I am here. I am thinking that 3,000 would be sufficient for any oversees outreach (Brazil) !!....yeah still workin the money thing out with my Papa. Gotta love this faith thing!! If you are interested in donating, there is the donate button at the top/right corner of this blog site---electronic deposit. and I will hook ya up with the address here as well:

YWAM LA- (Kate Hunt-SOMD) *Do not write my name directly on a check but include on a slip of paper (make out just to: YWAM LA)

11141 Osborne Street
Lake View Terrace, CA 91342

MUCH LOVE!...

Kate Hunt

life is uncomfortable

2010-03-19T21:08:00.000-07:00

ima have to be honest with you...i don't necessarily enjoy uncomfortableness. Its not exactly a fun process to go through at any stage. But another thing i've figured out is that a life following after that of Christ is anything but comfortable. Don't get me wrong...i would never go back, but lemme tell it to you straight up, if you're living a life in which all you can see around you is that of comfort, you may wanna re-examine your priorities. you may wanna ask yaself if you are moving forward in your likeness of Christ. Because we are broken vessels, and its not natural to live a life reflective of God's characteristics. Its painful. its heartbreaking. its uncomfortable. but it is restoring. its in the brokenness that we are shaped and reformed. and without that reformation...we are stagnant and life abundant is only a far-off dream.

we can live our lives based out of our sinful personalities and selfish tendencies and every problem we face can become someone else's issues. we can continue to go around the obstacles instead of through them---the path will most likely be smoother and more travelled. but you will miss out. you will trade in a life of living in abundance for that of comfort. God has been continually challenging me to drop every comfort that i still stubbornly cling to and trade it in for growth for which unmeasurable joy and peace will follow. if we are faithful in the small things in life...God will entrust us with the more. He will place more responsibility in your hands, in which we can better live out our passions and dreams. The Enemy would love to continue to blind us to the heart of our Maker and keep us living within ourselves instead of Christ. Let us learn to face our fears and enter the challenges that Christ sets before us, so that we may grow and He may transform us into better representations of His heart. Let us change our ways of thinking so that we may, in turn, change the world around us.

growth analysis & next steps!

2010-02-16T22:27:00.000-08:00

5 months. can a person really change this much in just a short amount of time? That is just the depth of power that the God that i serve holds. He's got the transformational touch=) So i know that transformation is a never-ending process of living the Christian life, but i want to rep it up for God and letchu in on some of the ways in which He has touched me.

God had a bit to work with, lol, so first things first. my faith foundation=). Where I once questioned my identity and security as God's...I now walk confidently as His daughter and am excited about the inheritance that is mine...the inheritance of being able to live in Christ's grace...in His unfathomable joy...in life ABUNDANT!

Within this revelation, I have been able to stand firm in the power that Christ gives me, in battling satan and confirming truths while saying g'bye to more obvious lies. Taking authority over the Evil One, because he ain't got nothin on me n my Daddy! practice practice practice! I understand the grace gift better. How it is essential to not only know but to walk His grace out. Even when I feel like I am unworthy of His unconditional love and forgiveness...to still truly accept it instead of continuing to sit in my shame and guilt. To practice to "walk in the opposite spirit" and hang on tightly to the Truth that I proclaim.

To just "BE". Versus constantly "doing". That God is proud of me even if i'm not doing something...some form of ministry even. That He really first longs for just us. For us to spend longer with Him in His presence. And I realized his faithfulness in always meeting with me...no matter how I was feeling. He is so cool=)

In recognizing more of Jesus' character...more of the depth of His unconditional love for me...I learned how worthy He really is of my trust. of my devotion and of my love in return. And I started giving more of myself to Him. I started depending on Him as my everything. And I think I am falling in love. How patient he has been with my stubborn self.

I learned God's heart for the "church". His bride. And in that, how to respect people...especially authority and people that I do not actually agree with. How to love a lil more like Him...and see people through a lil more of His eyes. Not an easy task, and i'm sure one that will always be a challenge for me.

And I learned how to better recognize the voice of my Father. There were several times over the last 5 months when I could confidently tell you...That was my Daddy...that was His voice...and this is His plan for me. Its so freakin exciting to be able to communicate with the Creator of the universe. I guess that is relationship=)

Here is the very end of the speech i gave at graduation: "And in tasting the more...in getting a glimpse of freedom---i can never turn back. I can no longer live a life bound to lies and mere mediocrity. The truth is now before me and I will rejoice in living as a redeemed daughter of The Most High King". =)

Yeah...so a time filled with continual learning...and a lot of multitasking learning at that! My brain kind of hurts=)

Hahaha. SO MUCH JOY! So what's next??! Errbody be axkin me this:) lol. And I did not really know till the last couple days before I left LA. God kinda takes his time in showing me the next steps...i think He wants me to keep trusting in Him no matter what. I'm glad. But again, He is faithful. And this is what he downloaded on my mind:

As of now, I am planning on going back to LA at the end of March. I even left half my stuff there lol. There is another school that YWAM LA offers at the same base, it is called SOMD (School Of Ministry Development). I know you may be thinking...more school??! Yeah, thats what i was thinking really...but check this: This school would give me the tools i need to put my ministry dreams into play. I would figure out my ministry giftings, learn how to better lead, and learn how to put my ideas into practical reality. and we all know i need some help with the practical side of things! And what is also cool about YWAM is this: It is an organization in which youth and young adults are capable of taking a dream and turning it into reality. It is a bottom up organization in which you do not need to climb a ladder to do your dream...they equip you and send you out! And I have a few dreams that God has placed...actually been burning...onto my heart. This school is a 3 month program instead of 5. And it costs around $3,000. I know my Papa will provide financially for me and seriously I am SO EXCITED to see it. I have added a (Support The Vision) link on the top right side of this blog if you feel so led to donate for this. God wasnt done with the downloading though...after SOMD I feel that it will be time for Brazil. I will look into starting an internship with the YWAM base...prolly in Belo Horizonte. This base works with the Brazilian street children...boys addicted to sniffing glue, and girls recovering from forced prostitution. I will work alongside this organization...learning from their experience, learning how they run their ministry...and how they know to best minister to the children there. Not to mention, learn Portugese! yikes. And once i learn needed information and wisdom here, I will start to implement my own ministry dream. To bring my counseling and therapeutic skills acquired through schooling into YWAM. Mixing and dualizing the Christian and Biblical counseling with the secular yet extremely and clinically proven effectiveness of TF-CBT (Trauma-Focused- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). And once hopefully incorporating these practices into Brazil/YWAM...to take the idea to other areas...maybe even back to Indianapolis. Creating ministry places that will take in abused kids and give them the ability to learn about God's love as well as providing them with professional counseling techniques. setting up a place in which they can realize their giftings...writing, art, rapping, other skills they can use to support themselves in the world. Its a dream in progress=) And i've prolly bored you now lol...but this is where i am and this is what is on my heart. I was on the phone the other day with my big sis and this is what came out of my mouth "yeah i will prolly be in missions for the rest of my life"...um...then i freaked out at what i had just said, and rather surprised at myself lol. and as much as a regular paycheck would be nice...the ability to buy shoes whenever i wanted...haha, seriously it does not compare with serving Christ. And this is my heart's desire. To be honest with you...it is so much fun too! It is seriously so exciting to see how God provides for me. when he strips you down, he never leaves you without. and when you follow His will for your life...He will not leave you. He is my Provider...my Father...my Friend...He is my Everything! And I know the Everything I know will only become more as I learn more and continue to press into HIM.

Thank you to ALL of you. Thank you for your support and for partnering with me through this last God adventure. I cannot wait to talk to you all in person and will be more than happy to answer any questions and anything else you want to ask. I will be in Indianapolis until around March 28th. But there is also always e-mail and facebook! If you wish to continue partnering with me financially...in continuing to help me walk out these God plans...lemme know, or there is also the donate button on this page...that i finally figured out how to attach lol. I could use your financial support greatly, specially given that i am pretty much broke lol. Oh and I also had this thought...to put up my artwork for sale (given that i actually get a few painted between now n then...and to put up all my writings on this site. So you can print them off or whatever...if you like them that is, for your enjoyment...and if you wanna donate a few bucks in return thatd be tight=) just a couple thoughts. I am so excited to also hear ALL that God has been doing in each one of your lives! I am SO thankful for each of you.

Love,

Kate

YWAM LA- SOMD c/0 Kate Hunt

11141 Osborne Street

Lake View Terrace, CA

91342

(*Do not write my name directly on a check)

Test Time!!!!!

2010-01-26T14:51:00.000-08:00

So we have had more than our share in study and prep time and as you are prolly aware of...i have been more than anxious to apply and live all that ive been learning out. our team finally got the opportunity to do some intense time of ministry this past week. we call it our ¨OUTREACH WEEK¨ lol. if only our whole time could have been this filled with opportunity, but we made the most of what we were given and it was so fun!

We traveled to a small villiage...um...Texta...i don´t remember ha, but it was loaded with new adventures and rare animal sightings! we split up into 4 different houses for home stays. one of the homes also housed pigs out front...very talkative pigs! right next to the ¨baño¨or the outhouse and bucket shower=) it had a horse, a stuffed jaguar...chickens, turkeys that worked as alarm clocks...and a tiny lil boxer puppy which happened to be my favorite addition. My girl, Karla and I were blessed with (n our opinion)...the coolest family. we had our walk from the others...but our house was very civilized with hot showers, flushing toilet, and our own bedroom and beds...not to mention 2 quads (4 wheelers) =) not a bad deal.

we got up early and did lots of home visits...telling people about the God that we love...praying for their needs and for healings...and just loving them. we worked alongside the church there and their amazingly involved youth. one of our translators that was a part of the youth was a brand new follower of Christ and it was awesome to see her enthusiasm to learn about this Savior guy. she was constantly reading thru His Word and asking questions. Awesome! we did open airs and spoke at a high school. at the school we were not allowed to say or mention the name of Jesus,but we talked about morals, our testimonies and left the implication to ask who it was hat changed our lives and transformed us so much. one of the girls asked me for my email address so she could ask me more questions about Jesus. we did our dramas and gave them words of encouragement. afer oneof the open air services i had the urge to tell this cop a lil sumthin that God patiently kept pressng on my heart to share with him. so i made Karla go with me to translate. she was a lil nervous about getting capped (shot up on the block) Lol...but i convinced her...so i told this young cop guy(kinda cute i must add) the picture that i had gotten from God for him. Of seeing him as a soldier for Gods army and him fighting for his city to know God. Turns out he was a Christian himself and he said that he had heard about the open air and had requested to be posted there for it! haha...God is funny. He was so thankful and seemingly encouraged so that in itself encouraged me. and knowing that God was able to use me and that His power was great enough to give me enough boldness and love for a cop...among all the people...Oh what a God i serve=)

It was a testful week and i definitely could feel the Enemy trying to get to me all week...but i told him that he could kiss my a$* ha...and for him to get the heck up outta my headand take his butt back to hell. But it was also testing in another way...ya know...walking up into people´s houses and being aksed to share ¨a word¨with them---i asked myself---what is it that these people really need? what really is my core motivation for serving and passionately following my God? how has he transformed my life and what pushes me to share this love with strangers in a totally different and oppressive country? bottm-line...what is the truth as i know it??!=) truth vs lies...bc satan was continually trying to cloud my vision, but the truth prevailed and i ended up speaking about it during a service lol. Experiences and testings that work to increase my faith and ultimately my trust and love in my Father...my Friend...My EVERYTHING!!!

There are more stories from the week...but we have to go soon and i still need to check my gmail=) Thank you always for your support and prayers. Please keep them coming!! i have 2 weeks left in Mexico. We will be back in LA on the 9th...then i will be back in Indianapolis on the 15th!! Ha...Indianapolis...a city that i have grown to love and actually miss. Love to all ya´ll!!

Kate

Consume Me From The Inside Out:

2010-01-08T14:45:00.000-08:00

God has sure been workin me over on this outreach! ive been learning and cramming so much in my head it is hard to organize it all in order to process it and write it out for this update. My last writings depícted the struggles and cries of my heart. But through struggle comes growth...and i am slowly continuing to lay the bricks of my faith foundation.

I have realized that change and transformation need to happen from the inside out. Focusing on your own heart, your own relationship, passion and love for the Lord, your own amount of love for people...before you can effectively ask others to do the very same.

And while we are mentioning love...i have learned a lil bit on that too. I have learned and am in the process of applying lol...specifically...love for "the church"...for fellow believers and breaking it down even a bit more...love for those believers who are satisfied with the mundane and living in passive religiousity. I need the same love for these that I already have burning within me for "the lost"...for those that are not aware of their identity that they are entitled to through a life with Christ. The hurting...abused...abandoned...the victims. why am i so judgemental of my fellow brothers n sisters? how can I rule a guilty verdict when i am so far from perfect myself? Its pride. well its alot of things that make me angry...but none of them entitles me to be so. So pride it is.

So i am working on my own change on the inside....while that will hopefully affect the church...which in turn...will ultimately be the army that God has established to admister truth to their own communities...to the OUTSIDE!!! To the lost, hurting, etc. It is a chain reaction that i was picturing with the same outcome...but with a huge piece of the puzzle missing. That being the church. I dont know how i missed it. Jesus talks so highly of the church..."His Body". I mean...He was kinda serious about it. It is kinda a big deal=)

So i continue to learn...and be transformed...no matter how painful it may be. I was gratefully reminded by a pretty amazing friend of this following verse in James 1:1-4: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds; for you know that the testing of your faith develops perserverence. Perserverence must finish its work so that you may become mature and complete...not lacking anything."

Quite the truth. Its funny how verses come alive to you as they apply so accurately to your given circumstances. I am being continually reminded to be faithful with what i see as "little"...in order that God can trust me with the "bigger". I also appreciate this quote from Oswald Chambers: "Service is not what you do for Christ, but who you are for Him." I am so thankful for that because i am not sure of all the ways in which God is using me here...but i do know without a doubt that He is molding me...and for that i will praise Him and continue to perservere.

Thank you all for the e-mails, n posts of encouragement and words of wisdom and truth. You seriously help me out SO much in my processing and learning! I am so thankful for my community of support...thank you for fighting with me. Continue to press fervently in to our Father so that we can passionately praise Him through every feeling and circumstance of life. May we glorify our Savior with ALL that we are and truly KNOW the Father who we serve with our lives.

With love...

Kate

Extra Prayer Points:

**LUIS---a young man that i got a chance to talk with at the juvenile prison that we went to. He seemed genuinely thankful for the words that i taught on. He is searching for truth...you can see it in his eyes...but he has alot of the crap from this world up against him. help me in lifting him up in prayer and interceding for him to God.

*That i can effectively learn how to better harness my anger which on more than one occasion have been rather surprised with. ugghhh...emotions!

*Continuing to trust God no matter the situation...no matter if i cannot totally trust people.

*The teams health...lots of sickness

*Team unity...which comes thru selfless love (theres that love word again!)

Outreach...or...Inreach??

2009-12-23T18:55:00.001-08:00

So...i wish i could update you all with crazy God stories and miraculous God-witnessed movements, but the truth is...i´m really struggling to see God in what we are doing here. I´ve asked myself so many times ¨why am i here?¨ and ¨what the heck are we doing here?

ok...but backing up now...my team of 7 students and 2 leaders are staying at this Methodist church in Mexico City. we have been blessed with mats and a couple couches to sleep on...amazing authentic Mexican comida and lots of time to soak in Jesus´presence for the 9 days that we have been here. but i´m just not satisfied. actually...i´m beyond that. i´m SO hungry to witness and carry out more of God´s heart. i feel like i´m locked in this cage and my heart hurts. or that i´m stuck on this baby step and all i want to do is race to the very top. i refuse to settle my heart in the mediocrity of my feelings.

Here´s the deal: It is especially difficult bc as a team, we were promised to be working alongside the prostitutes and gang members. the outreach ¨promotion¨ was mere talk and fluff. we are actually working with a church. the church of 30 or so people where we are living. which is all good...to be empowering the church of course...its just that this particular church has very differing perspectives and highly rooted beliefs on what evangelism entails and the role of church members to actually leave the church and go TO the people. they believe the people are just sposed to come to them somehow. i dunno...its kinda messed up. its religiousity versus relationship. and there is a huge disconnect between this religious viewpoint of the older members among the younger generation. our church and living area is surrounded by walls and wire and locks from the outside. i feel like we are barred from reality. we are living in the biggest kidnapping capital in the world...with all this hurt and pain all around us...and i feel helpless. there is alot of fear paralyzing this city...including the church. we, as a team, cry out to God every single morning to see the ¨more¨...to be a part of more of His heart...to be his hands and feet. how can we see the more if we are afraid to position ourselves for it? this is the posture of acceptance.

its not God that i don´t trust in this. its not that i don´t have the faith that he could actually use me or that i could be a witness to his miracles...its that i don´t necessarily trust people...and our shortcomings. the people making the decisions of how to evangelize...how to show God...how to minister. how do i trust that this is what God wants for us?? that what we are doing is making Him proud?? the answer that i have come up with for now is that....i can´t. i can only continue to trust in what i know is true. that being my Father. his ever continual love for my ever present questioning and struggling. i can only control my responses and reactions and dive deeper into the arms of my constance---my joy---my hope---my purpose...basically, lets just say my everything lol.

so this is where i am. trying to remember that i live and love for Christ, alone...above the cause---¨being¨in Christ versus ¨doing¨. trying to hang on---altho it doesn´t feel by much often times---to the strength i find in my Savior...my Father. is HE...alone...enough for me??!

So...please please pa--lease! pray it up for me and my team. we want the more. we are ready for it and are pleading to see and experience it. pray that we don´t become blind to it when it occurs...specially if it were to come amidst the mundane. pray that we keep our eyes open...our hearts ready and fervently faithful...and waiting in joyful expectance for God to put on His display. and that we can do our very bests and be faithful in the small things.

write and update me on all of your lives!!! i love you all!!! thank you abundantly for your prayers and support...and encouragement=)

Kate

time to hop up on the dance flo

2009-12-09T22:39:00.000-08:00

wow. 3 months of lecture phase/intense life transformation...done. i can't believe how fast that went! Sunday my team leaves for Mexico City for 2 more months of learning and application! Today we said g'bye to our first team leaving for Thailand and tomorrow we will send off the Morrocco team. The Costa Rica team leaves Saturday...so we are the "last but not least":)

It was actually really hard to say "see you later" to so many people that have become family to me. I might have let a few tears go. BUT...i am SO pumped to all come back together with testimonies of God's amazing power at work through US! How priviledged are we??!! That the God of the universe would choose to use such broken people to display his love. I am humbled and so thankful and honored that i can be His hands and feet.

And what perfect timing to put our teaching into practice because we just were drenched in the Holy Spirit this past week. He's a pretty tight part of the Trinity if you didn't know. haha...pretty awesome. I guess i often have not distinguished the differing characters of the Trinity, and totally downplayed their uniqueness. I witnessed quite alot of what most Christians seem to term "charismatic...um...or out there" typa God movement lol. Within the very first day, i saw the Spirit manefesting in people through shaking, laughing, crying, falling down and kinda like sleeping i guess. pretty new stuff for me! and i was a bit anxious and unsure of how to respond to the perceived chaos. The thing was, though, that i knew all these people, lol...and so i knew that they really would not and could not make this stuff up. So in my heart i knew it was forreal...i knew i was seeing the Holy Spirit moving around the room and i was hungry for the more of Him. We were given the opportunity to receive more gifts from the Holy Spirit...specifically, the gifts of Prophecy, Tongues, Healing, Wisdom, and Faith. And of course i wanted it all, so i was prayed over for each. The faith one was a bit different for me...it was the one i most desire...having ALL-OUT faith---which includes and welcomes any diversity, hardship, and suffering that is bound to come with such faith. It includes ACTION. living out--with total surrender and reckless abandon--to whatever and wherever God is calling forth. To step out, and step up into living out my faith through serving God with all my heart, not just partial obedience. And i couldn't wait to receive this gift/annointing. once receiving it i felt the Holy Spirit unlike anything i've ever felt before (being drug-free that is)...and i felt my body and arms get so heavy and weak that all i could do is sit and soak in His presence. It kinda scared me at first, but i had no choice but to rest and accept his love. i asked for prayer for healing of my neck several times...and it has actually been feeling better this week. as i think about it...i haven't taken any painkillers at all this week---and my liver says thanks. I also asked for healing over my mind---from depression that has run in my family for successive generations. It is very humbling for me to ask for prayer, i've figured out, because it is admitting and SUBmitting to my weakness and lack of ability to lean and depend on myself. The speaker asked for students to come forward who have ever in their life wished death upon themselves; in order to cut off satan's authority in that door that they had opened. He told of many of his friends and surprising stats of Christians who had once invited death upon themselves into thier thinking...and who a majority had later died of unnatural consequences at young ages. So many people went forward...i was surprised. and i was sitting there not wanting to move---not even sure if i really was ready to cut off that wish---and the speaker was like..."I feel like there is one more that needs to come forward"---ha...prolly something they all say as a tactic---nah actually i think and believe he was pretty legit---but at any cost...i finally got my butt up and acted in "the opposite spirit" which means maybe not all of me was sure that i desired total healing from this, but i knew in my head that i needed to act in this, so i did. and i cried sum more. ive cried often here. it sucks. i hate it. but there is something freeing from it. and forcing myself to act against satan and against death...and any other tactic satan tries to use on me...really started something in me. i dunno it all yet exactly...but i got a better taste of freedom...COMPLETE wholeness. and once you see it...haha...you really have no choice but to keep pursuing more of it. Jesus says (somewhere...maybe John 10:10...i'm not sure, just popped in my head...) but that "He has come to give life, and to give it ABUNDANTLY". emphasis added on the abundant word:) and i might need another tat of that lol. jk...kinda.

SO...thats whats been up this past week:) Now we are just getting ready to leave...learning dance/dramas, writing up testimonies and teaching lessons, cleaning, and acquiring needed outreach essentials. I was blessed with a backpack to borrow, so i am ready to party!

Oh...i almost forgot about the "giving night". The base all participated in a lil bit different style of worshiping God one night last week---by giving to each other. it was SO AWESOME to see such pure humility and generosity---actually...i think what it was was straight up love. Our love for God was manefested through our loving and preferring each other, and it was quite the testimony. people gave laptops, CARS, jewlery, clothes, money, treasured and sentimental items, and on and on...tears were flowing and hugs and prayers were flying. people were blessed by receiving and giving.

Did i mention that i absolutely LOVE it here??! God is so ever present, even amidst the struggles that we've all been walking through. I love living in community...and i love experiencing more of Christ. The more i experience of Jesus...the deeper and stronger my faith is rooted, and i think i'm going to be needing sum very strong and undemolishable roots!

I'll try to keep you all posted from Mexico, but i am unsure of what our internet access will be at this time. But please continue to pray for our team(s)!!

Prayer Points:
* Spiritual oppression/depression from the country's history and religious ties/practices (our 1 week trip as a base to Mexico was really hard for me and many others b/c of this....PLEASE PLEASE...i need prayer on this!!!!!)

* Openness and flexibility to the leading of the Holy Spirit each day, concerning our ministry outlook for each day...versus being stubborn or concerned with what we/I would like to do or how i would like to minister. more of the HS...less of ME!

* Finances/last minute NEEDS: one girl is waiting on a very important (go-or not go) official paper from the German govt. It is on its way but it has to come before Sunday! Another guy is waiting on his backpack to come from the mail. And also very importantly...we have 2 members that do not have their outreach money all in yet. as in nearly $2,000 i think...still needed to be raised...and yes...before Sunday:) with all these needes, however, i am a little excited to see how God will provide it all. our timing in comparison to His...haha, a little funny. we are such instant-fix people...and it kinda takes away from his glory if He were to provide in such rigid and unpredictable ways.

* And team unity/cohesiveness. Pray that we become more self-less and more loving with one another, because people will see that first...whether or not we are able to love each other...as a team...before they realize how or impacted by how we love them.

Thank you over n over again, to all that have and are supporting me---financially...prayers...encouraging facebook posts/e-mails/IMs (technology these days:) and awesome care-packages, often full of CANDY!!!!!!!!!! who knew??! haha. Thank you. I love you.

The Deal On Brazil...

2009-11-29T13:56:00.000-08:00

I guess I should specify my Brazil dreams because everyone does not seem to be up on this track. So lemme break it down for you right quick!...

God started to plant Brazil on my heart when he had me read "A Cry From The Streets"...I looked on the back of the book and it said it was published by YWAM. Thats how i came to look more into YWAM and eventually ended up here in LA:) It has been a few years since i read that book, but the stories and the passion for the kids within this country did not leave my heart. The book explained about YWAM's ministry with the enormous population of "street children" that live on the sidewalks of Brazil. These kids are terrorized and often murdered by the corrupt police who say they are "cleaning up the streets". Its ridiculous.

YWAM has several different bases located all over Brazil...one house that works with little girls coming out of prostitution...another house that works with boys that are addicted to sniffing glue and other harder drugs.

I have wanted to go to Brazil for a few years now, but did not know how to do missions or what that looked like...and have battled through doubts of personal ability in this area. In addition, I have had and still do have school loans that I need to repay. So I have been processing and waiting for God to continue to develop and lead me in this dream...towards my heart.

A month or so ago, God placed a new plan in my head concerning Brazil. It was 6am on a saturday morning and i was suddenly awaken from a deep sleep with a very distinct and clear thought that randomly jumped my head and myself awake. Given that it was, 1. 6AM lol...and 2. So randomly placed and so clear...and then 3. that we just had teaching on hearing from the Holy Spirit haha....I was 100% certain that this thought was from my Daddy. One more piece of background info for ya...right before coming to YWAM LA, I had read a book called "A Boy Raised As A Dog", in which a psychiatrist/doctoral psychologist tells about his stories of the traumatized children that he has worked with in counseling them. This man, named, Bruce Perry, works with other colleagues in researching how children respond to trauma and what the best ways of working with them are. It is an amazing read if you are interested. But yeah....so the thought was this: that I should get in touch with this guy, Dr. Perry, and work it so that he employs me to do research and counseling with the traumatized children that YWAM works with in Brazil. Integrating professional counseling techniques (mainly TF-CBT aka Trauma-Focused-Cognitive Behavioral Therapy...my favorite) with the Christian faith and the ultimate need for these children to have Jesus in their lives. I realize its quite the task and challenge...but thats my life=) where some have told me it would be impossible or that i'm not being realistic...i continue to think big...to think with Jesus...and allow HIM to make the impossible possible! I can only trust Him...because I know that this is his dream too...i could never have thought this big and He knew that haha....I am laughing at myself because I once wondered how God could ever dream bigger than me lol. how prideful is that??! well...he has a funny way of proving me wrong. and I LOVE HIM FOR THAT!!!!!! pray for me! You are all held in my heart.

Falling In Love...

2009-11-27T12:44:00.000-08:00

Its amazing what depth of joy that freedom and revelation can bring forth. It basically ruins you for the ordinary. For me...an ordinary that consists of always striving. striving to please God...to always trying and feeling the failure of not making him proud. Of constantly trying to "do", instead of just "be". I have been revived to a place in which i can see with new vision more of my true identity in Jesus...and it is through this revelation that i feel a new joy.

This past week the lectures were on "The Father Heart of God". Tom Hallas was the speaker and i seriously learned so much from his teachings and his display of God's heart through his own character.

Telling truth from lies becomes so much clearer when you are able to not only recognize but obediently choose to live out of your proclaimed inheritance as sons and daughters of the most High God. How blessed are we?!

With more revelation and experiencing God...the more my faith and trust is increased. One of my favorite quotes from Tom is "If we do not think that God is worthy of our trust/love, we will not fully trust him" "We will not love him with ALL that we are if we do not fully trust his character". So true....at least it definitely is true for me. seems so simple when i write it out...but to my heart and head it was profound:) Sometimes love has to be a choice for me. To daily choose to walk out my existing trust in God with how i live...and to continually press in to more experiences with God so that i am reminded how worthy He truly is.

2 awesome songs that ive recently downloaded that capitalize on what i've been experiencing lately: "You Have Ravished My Heart"- Brian Johnson & "I Have Found"- Kim Walker

Anyways...So, we have 2 more weeks of lecture phase left before we leave for Mexico City/Veracruz! I cannot believe how flippin fast the time has gone here and how much truth i've soaked up. Our trip plans are going to be pretty open and unknown beforehand as well as prolly day-to-day. This is because our outreach team is the first one that LA has sent to these cities, so everything is new and exciting! Thus TBD:) basically what we are going to do is seek God each day we wake up and get the down low from the Holy Spirit on what he wants us to do with our time. i'm so stoked to see more of God in this way! We are partnering with churches and will be going in with the mindset of empowering them to reach their cities, so that when we leave they can continue to make fight the battles. we have the chance to bring in our own ideas that God is already laying on our hearts and perhaps be able to put them into play once we are there. i may have a lot of ideas already:)

So...we leave around the 14th (i think) of December. and we will then be back in the states after 2 months. And then my Transformation DTS is over. wow. I am comforted in knowing, though, that God will faithfully continue to transform me for the rest of my life if I let him. I have a couple different ideas for after DTS, but i'm not certain at all on either of them, so it will be alot more practicing of my faith! They have another school that is offered here that would start shortly after DTS ends. It is called SOMD- School of Ministry Development. It is a 3 month long school in which your gifts and talents are capitalized on and you are able to begin working out specific projects and dreams that God has placed on your heart...BRAZIL...haha...and actually work on practical program development stuff and putting it into place...and an optional outreach after the 3 month school. i'm considering it. But there are alot of things to also consider...like...my 2 lil boys whom i miss so much but in all actually are prolly doing fine without me lol (my cats!) haha...and then there are those nasty school loans which i keep defering...So...

I need prayer:) like always! prayer specifically for the following:

* Last 2 weeks of lecture phase...
-that i can continue to soak up all the truth that God has for me
-that i can continue to choose to live out my identity in Christ and continue to realize more of what that truly means
-that God will be preparing each day for us in advance (for outreach)
-that our minds and heart will be protected against spiritual warfare (deppression & oppression) b4 and mostly while we are in Mexico
-that God will lay on our hearts his ideas and visions for Mexico and the outreach activities that He desires for us to do
-and a practical thing of money for a backpack for Mexico, b/c we will be traveling alot and i need like a hiking backpack to lug around my stuff in!

*After DTS ends (in 2 months)...
-revelation of the path God wants me to follow
-whether it is the secondary school of SOMD (preparing for Brazil)....or just up and going to Brazil (with a few ideas of my own)...or going back to Indianapolis...or whever the heck else or whatever else that God may surprise me with:) the options are prolly endless and i like it like that!

haha...peace out ya'll. i love you all and continue to thank God all the time for such an AMAZING group of supporters he has blessed me with. THANK YOU for walking with me in this journey of life.

New LA Down Low:

2009-11-11T20:19:00.000-08:00

Hi to all of my supporters and continual thanks for making this adventure possible for me. Its been a very busy last couple of weeks so i'ma give ya all the down low on whats been up lately:)

We started meeting in our outreach teams and hammering out some hard-core learning about our country...mine being Mexico. We will be spending our first month in Mexico City and the second month in Veracruz. Just a lil info on Mexico, lol...you'll be surprised to know that i was 1 of 2 people to get all the states right on our GEOGRAPHY quiz lol!!!! haaaaaayyy! haha. get it. there are 31 states within Mexico and most of them are rather crime-ridden. There is a ton of trafficking weapons IN to Mexico from the US and then in exchange...US gets Mexico's drugs. I know...lovely huh? There is hope though, and one of the reasons for hope is that multiple YWAM bases (including ours and our own students) have gotten prophecies and visions concerning Mexico and an upcoming revival within the churches there and within the hearts of the people living there. So that is very encouraging and exciting! However, it still remains a very dark and spiritually oppressive country. We learned about the religious history of Mexico and it explains alot about the present violence and oppression that still exists. The country was founded by differing Indian tribes (Myans and...i forget, wupps) but they worshipped many different gods that they offered human sacrifices to in order to spill their blood out for the gods. Have you ever seen Apocalypse? It paints a very gruesome picture for you. and now Mexicans worship the goddesse of the dead. It is a very largely practiced cult, both in Mexico City and Veracruz. The country has a very corrupt justice system which is infested with dirty cops and politicians. Kidnapping for ransom is a very big problem there, and the cops are often involved.
Yeah, so...there is a lil bit of what we will be facing and walking into...but i share this with you so that you can be praying and entering with me into battle within the spiritual realm.

We have been learning in class about Spiritual Warfare, countered with God's Truths and Power; as well as Cultural Ministry, and this week's speaker is focusing on Servanthood. Good stuff! I loved the week on Spiritual Warfare b/c the speaker didn't focus JUST on satan...she would counter it with Godly truth. the main thing that stuck with me was the concept (truth) that we, as God's children, automatically are blessed with God's power to claim authority over satan and his agenda. God has given ALL of us the authority to trample on satan's head. We just have to CHOOSE to believe this and choose to live it out. And...if we choose to rather believe satan's lies that he plants in our heads, we are giving him his power. He has no power over us but that which we allow him to have. very eye-opening stuff! loved it.

We have also started to go to our "Ethnic churches"...ours being a Mexican church. its pretty tight, being able to listen to a sermon all in Spanish! I'm learning alot of new Spanish! Its so cool to be able to worship God in another language and culture. And then there is the bonus of always getting Mexican food afterwards:) I got the hook up on this one!

So...thats the recent down low of LA life. and my big sista is comin out to see me this weekend so i'm extremely stoked about that. she just decided tonight lol. I love random adventures! Please keep praying for me...the LA base...and Mexico with me! I covet all of your prayers and encouragement. Love to all...

oops....in addition...

2009-10-18T21:01:00.000-07:00

just read over my 1st blog and realized its been 3 weeks not 2, and i didn't even tell you all my focus tract and outreach location yet! haha...how time flies.

Focus Tract: Justice
-which means: This team will be focusing on justice issues in society---specifically human trafficking. we will be raising awareness within the community as well as working alongside the LAPD in looking for and documenting our observations of possible human trafficking occurences. Its intense stuff. And its hard...but i went into this tract knowing and fully expecting to see God's power work through me.

and i felt very confirmed of my focus tract decision when i realized what my chosen outreach location decision would be focusing on...thats right...human trafficking and prostitution ministries. And the crazy thing was...I was intent on going to Thailand, but i knew that was not where God was wanting me to be. So we were told that we would be talked to more about the outreaches and to wait on deciding until this night, and then we would have an hour to hear from God and make our decision. well we weren't told anything new lol...just had the locations confirmed and then sent us to decide. i took the whole hour bc i couldn't get myself to lay down my desire to go to Thailand lol...i was trying to tell myself to shut up b/c i KNEW it was me. i just knew. So finally i got out my own thoughts and really listened. So MEXICO here i come! 1month in Mexico City...and then we have 1 more month in the city of Veracruz. I'm pretty stoked. God is going to show me so much of his power...b/c i cannot do this work without my Daddy. And i guess thats the way He wants it. so i will need a TON of prayer warriors!!

k...think thats it for now. Peace outtie.

Say what?!

2009-10-18T20:21:00.000-07:00

So...much has happened in the last...what 2 weeks??! i seriously cannot believe it has only been 4 weeks...feels like 4 years! in a good yet hard way.

last week we had a speaker talk on Destiny & Identity. I learned alot.
---1. that i need to be way more open and trusting of authority, that there are alot of authority people who have a lot of good stuff to say and i will be missing out if i'm constantly cross-examining them in my head. or testing for incongruencies or waiting for something they say in which i can be like yeah...i knew i couldn't trust you. So at the beginning of last week...i was of course finding things to back up my untrust of this speaker and i learned a hard but good lesson in the process about going to the person and laying out any questions to them straight up and not letting the Enemy get ahold of my thinking or interfere with the work and teaching that God wants to deliver.
---2. I learned that i really need to work more on having my identity rooted in Christ and how he views me and what he says about me in his Word rather than getting caught up in lies and negative self-thinking or doubting.

*Random inclusion of info: I got to go to this hip-hop church called The Underground in LA and it was SO TIGHT! praise n worship was hip hop God praises and dancing in the aisles:):) and after the very very good preachin there were rap battles in which they rappers lifted each other up instead of the normal downing or slaughtering that you would find on the streets. it was pretty ill. not to mention it is an evening church! lol.

AND...then this past week we went as a team to Tijuana, Mexico for the week. It was a pretty hard week for me emotionally. I felt extremely down and just plain grumpy. As soon as we crossed the boarder into Mexico my whole self just felt oppressed...and my stomach hurt...and then as soon as we crossed it coming out...it went entirely away and i felt so much peace. crazy. i thought i was just being weird, but realized a bunch of others felt the exact same way, so i thought maybe it was spiritual warfare stuff. Mexico is a really spiritually oppressed country...i just didn't think it would affect me like that.

But we had some good times in Mexico too. We built a 2-bedroom little house for a family of 7, who formerly lived in a tiny "shack" built with anything and everything but no door...no floor...mattresses lining the walls for insulation...no electricity, etc. it was a cool time. the community is so destitute and it is hard to explain the hopelessness that hangs in the air. However...the people are SO humble and gracious and the kids even helped us with the build. i did alot of painting, and tried not to pet the numerous dogs that begged for attention and love. we got to give the keys to the house over to the family and hear the mother say a few words after we finished. i was not expecting to cry, but when she said "thank you, now my children don't have to worry about the wind and the rain" i couldn't help the abrupt fall of tears in response. the things that we take for granted. the things that we complain about.

And....now we are back and i am SO GLAD to be home in LA! I've never felt that homesickness before, but i'm sure it had alot to do with the spiritual oppression in Mexico, as well as the awesome family i have here in LA.

God has been very evident to me. Thank you always for all of your prayers and support. I could not be learning and experiencing all of this without all of you!! Thanks thanks and more thanks. I will let ya all in on the cool scoop God gave me this morning about some future coolness, when i feel that He is ready for me to share it with everyone. But i am SO EXCITED about it and humbled by the realization that God really CAN think and dream way bigger than me and SO WAY bigger than i could ever imagined. i honestly never believed that before this morning. haha...so glad He humbles me and loves me unconditionally.

AND....I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!

Transformational Power:

2009-09-26T12:23:00.000-07:00

Hey all!

I have a lil bit a free time today so i thought i'd blog it up cuz there is so much in my head and so much has happened already! It feels like i've been here for like a month already lol but i'm pretty sure its only been a week. wow. ok....so, when YWAM named this the Transformation DTS...they were right on. I really had no idea that transformation could look like this. So many people including me have already begun to enter this transformation. its so freakin amazing to see people change right b4 your eyes. its just like the Spirit gets ahold and then its not really them so much that you see its God! ha...so cool. and its communal. nobody is walking alone. we can't run...can't hide...can't even dissociate away from God's presence and knocking here. its like you are forced to hear his knock. and that puts you in a place of serious emotional conflict and a dilemma of decision. which is SO HARD. but so necessary. I've felt ALOT of knocking, lol....from God, asking me "will you give me this?...Will you lay this down?...Will you choose to walk COMPLETELY whole with me?" Will you choose to let me heal this?" oh man. so i've made myself hear these things and made myself stay present amidst the internal conflict...and while i have not totally responded yet...i know my heart is preparing to. i don't know exactly what the process and outcome will look like...but i know that there is so much more freedom that God is just waiting to show me. and i'm scared...but excited as well.

This coming week we will be focusing on hearing God's voice....and we will choose our tract by the end of the week. We were presented the details of the tracts last night and they are all so good that i have no idea which God has for me right now. so...We'll see! Pray that i will stay open to his will over my own...and that nothing will influence my decision other than the assurance of God's voice.

We get to go to the beach today!! i'm pretty excited! and we will have a bonfire and have the opportunity to physically "throw away" some things we are holding on to...into the fire. it'll be sweet. Pray that i grow in strength and courage...trust and faith...for our Lord. Thanks!!!

oh...btw...you may find it funny that we have to be in bed here by 10:30 and be up and ready for bfast by 7am!!! and i'm not doin so bad:) lol

more things i've learned:

Worship: 1. there are way more forms of worship than just singing. 2. when worshipping...ask yourself, "Did I make God proud?" rather than "How did the worship make me feel?" we want Jesus to turn to his Father and say..."Wow. Their worship today was amazing!" :) i like that.

*Its very helpful for me to start my MORNING off right with spending needed time with Jesus. It prepares and arms my head for the day way better.

*I have been putting more value on serving people with my life rather than serving God...and i have been idolizing my dreams rather than giving them over to God...even though they are Godly. along those lines...i often desire things "of God" alot more than i desire "GOD HIMSELF". just merely focusing on Relationship with Him...rather than pleasing him with my actions or striving for improvement in Him.

*We will begin to hear God's voice way better when we are able ....or CHOOSE to walk in obedience and surrender our selfishness. Dying To Self:) fun stuff!

sweetness

2009-09-18T23:19:00.000-07:00

wow. so much already! so after an all-day flying experience i made it to LA at around 10pm Cali time. And I was exhausted...which may have contributed to my ephemeral freak out feeling of "what the heck am i doing here?!?!" and temporary doubting moments. But morning came...actually it was afternoon b/c i was allowed to sleep in...:)...and with it came a day full of excitement! New people to meet...and these people are seriously so cool...we got sum representation from Germany, Switzerland, Britain, Asia, Canada, all over the states, and prolly more i just forget. but veryyyyyyyyyy cool accents! and a couple of them are not all familiar with English words/slang/what everything means and its awesome. i love it. one girl carries her German translation dictionary around with her lol. its just way cool. everyone so different and yet here for the exact same purposes. to serve and glorify God. so much passion for Him in one place!!! watch out world.

and im definitely gunna get my exercise in without much troubles...lets see...we played sum futbol (soccer)...ultimate frisbee...sum basketball...and there is plenty of place to get my job on if needed.

they have awesomated lemonaid on demand---palm trees and a pretty tight mountain view. gotta love it.

oh and for all ya'll detail-enthusiasts, lol...i got sum updates hehe.

1. There are about 12 trailers that they have us living in. umm...about 8-10 rooms in each, so kinda like a dorm setting. i will have 1 other roommate but sum of the rooms down the hall have 3 to a room.

2. We will choose our tract for studying within the first week, and the outreach location by the second or third week.

3. what else...um...the shower is amazazing. seriously, maybe b/c unlike sarah's and i's the water actually comes out at a high velocity...its like getting a massage. its pretty much a mission base typa living tho...bare basics:) which is not much new to me lol.

4. I'm finding out the more that i talk with people that having a "past" is not uncommon

5. sum of the staff have kids here on the base...and they are so cute and very talkative.

6. this is where i'm sposed to be. i don't know all the whys to that, but i'm excited for what is to come and the short-lived anxiety of last night has totally dissapated. i will however miss my sis, friends, and of course...my boys. however...i did see a dog runnin around today and i might be able to get sum of my therapeutic pets out on him lol. might be too big to cuddle with tho!

7. my roommate has not arrived yet so i have the room to myself so far which has actually been kinda nice

8. there is another school going on here so i get extra people to meet! a 9 mo SBS...which i have yet to figure out what that stands for lol, but i think sounds pretty intense of studying the Scriptures...and from what i hear ALOT of homework! glad i'm in the DTS:)

9. i'm sure i'll learn more once the week starts out and will keep everyone updated as much as i can...and can remember haha. i'm starting to get names down tho...it only took like 5 times asking each person ha. oh well.

update prayer requests:
* to continue to seek out God's will for my tract and outreach options
* for the financial situation to match my outreach needs
* and to keep learning LOTS!!

Thanks and please keep me updated on your lives as well,

Peace n love

BRING ON LA

2009-09-11T15:36:00.000-07:00

This blog is now going to be used to jot down thoughts, updates and adventures that flow from my time in Los Angeles. I leave on Thursday, the 17th....6 more days! I'm so super stoked and ready for the thrills and rollercoasters that God is gunna bring me on and through. Huge thanks to all who have already been praying and supporting me for this next adventure in my life!

I will be doing the YWAM-LA DTS (Discipleship Training School), which includes 3 months of classroom learning and local outreach, following with 2 more months of hard-core outreach in a particular destination. The destinations revolve around "focus tracts", such as the "justice" or "Muslim world" tracts.

Prayer requests:

*Wisdom and discernment in hearing and understanding which focus tract and destination God wants me to pursue/ stay aligned with and open for His will to be done.

*I keep myself Spiritually armed for battle and able to discern truths from lies

*I keep myself focused on learning more about God, deepening my relationship with him, seeing Him work versus being distracted by my own desires

*Anything else that may come to mind!

Peace outtie.

spit it right

2009-01-15T10:50:00.000-08:00

you ready? ready 2 hold it steady? this life can get kinda heady. i'ma bout to plug it in...let the truth in life fill up to the brim.

Never blogged b4...not sure how long i will use this, but thought i'd try this space out. pre-warning advisory: Reading any content in this blog site may leave you exposed to a lil more reality than desired. Do not take in if already taking prescriptions of this world's lies as they will cause uncomfortable counter-effects.

Today: January 15, 2009.
I got fired from my job today. Instead of being pissed about the annoyance of the situation that could have been prevented, i was relieved. That's terrible huh. i hate responsibility...and yet...do enjoy having a steady flow of income in order to pay all my never-ceasing loans...gas for my car...and a roof over my head....not to mention my shoe-addiction. ugh. i feel as though i should be frieking out right bout now bout expenses...how i will make it in the next upcoming months when my savings becomes depleted...or how my 2 cute kittens will eat. BUT, i'm not. in fact...as i'm typing this i'm movin to the beat in Starbucks. yeah...Starbucks on 75th & Keystone has free wireless internet. these are things that an unemployed person needs to know. anyways...i guess i'm jus a lil confused with my own self. i know i'm somewhat of an irresponsible...definitely not practical...risk-taking kind of person, but i feel as though getting fired from a job should be more dramatic and hurtful to a person's life...at least their day? I was wondering if something was a lil off with me....ha....ok, maybe i already know that...but then i was thinkin and came up with an answer to the perplexity of my lack of friek-out-ness. In comparison to what i have encountered within my 25 years of living...getting fired is really not a real frightening deal. i guess i measure life according to a scale sometimes and this may be why it is hard for me to differentiate between what i consider a "boulder" and a "napsack" problem...referring to what i am learning in my small group boundary book. I prolly have alot of problems that could be considered "boulders" to most, but i unconsciously place them in my napsack for JUST me to deal with. an everyday occurrence. This is also prolly why i can wear myself out at times. my napsack gets pretty dang heavy some days and i have trouble accepting help in the load. i'm prideful? i know i'm untrusting at least. and i have great difficulty letting others in. at least...completely in. causing me to have difficulty even letting Jesus in. even though he sees IN...to the deepest parts of me he has already seen in. He won't touch me with his healing hand of love, though, until i am able to let him. Isn't free will fun? i am my own obstacle at this point in my life. funny how i can go from commenting on a lost job to the subject of free will. told ya these writing needed warning.