stepping up to life...life before DTS...

Sometimes...nah...most days i am one of the most stubborn people you will ever meet. but it is stubbornness that keeps me choosing life. I graduated from Transformation Discipleship Training School in March of last year. I thought i was graduating past every former hurt...transformed to the core...healed from wounds that i had not fully attended to...some of them i was aware of, some not so much. These wounds have been seeping through since, and finally fully ripped open, fully exposed before me this week. And i am once again broken...in pain...and having the choice to face the cores of my beliefs at the very roots...being faced with the choice to continue denying their impact...their even existence...and letting God do an even deeper work within me. And i choose that life. I have come to the conclusion that i am no longer capable of choosing death if it is staring me in the face. not just incapable...i merely do not desire it. While this may come as a shock to some of you that i once desired death or highly considered it at points of time...it is true, and i apologize for the rawness of these words...but that was my reality and this blog is one of realness, so that is what i will maintain.

While TDTS last fall did do a major start of healing with many broken areas of my life, i failed to realize that it was a work in progress that i needed to continue in. And in some areas i have backslided without knowing. one of those being my dependence on God. I can't tell you the exact point in which i tried to take back ALL control from God, but the fact is that God doesn't force anything...the decision is ours...and he let me try...lol...he let me fail. Or rather, he let me fall in order to learn once again that i am just not capable of maintaining truth on my own. i am not able to live this life of transformation without Him. What was i thinking?! I mean...i did try to include and incorporate God in my day...but that was just it...i was trying to "make room" for him, while still holding on to some sense of control. The sense of control came for me in trying to keep my past back...trying to believe truth over lies in my own strength...trying to speak in the opposite, trying to make the right choices without having to go what i thought as backwards...but my foundation was not yet strong enough. sometimes you have to go backwards in order to go forward. This is what i am currently facing. A time with God of entering into my past in order to gain a deeper healing...and ultimately a deeper faith and relationship with God. I could benefit from your prayers.

It is impossible to walk without first fully learning how to crawl. I think i was in the wobbly stage of trying to break free from the holding of the hands...trying to make it to the destination on such unsteady legs...not being confident of God's protection and support, and i fell. While the falling hurts...it is completely necessary in learning. I will get back up and i will take God's hand this time without letting go...because he IS my destination! My destination is not ministry...it is him...our relationship. He will never leave me...nor forsake me. He will actually never even fail me. I don't have to be afraid to depend on him with my full trust. When you lose all control, God is able to step back in. What satan intends for evil and hurt...God turns into good and joy...satan’s plan with me will always backfire...because I will always choose to fight. I will always choose life.

please keep praying. Thank you for your support.