So...i wish i could update you all with crazy God stories and miraculous God-witnessed movements, but the truth is...i´m really struggling to see God in what we are doing here. I´ve asked myself so many times ¨why am i here?¨ and ¨what the heck are we doing here?
ok...but backing up now...my team of 7 students and 2 leaders are staying at this Methodist church in Mexico City. we have been blessed with mats and a couple couches to sleep on...amazing authentic Mexican comida and lots of time to soak in Jesus´presence for the 9 days that we have been here. but i´m just not satisfied. actually...i´m beyond that. i´m SO hungry to witness and carry out more of God´s heart. i feel like i´m locked in this cage and my heart hurts. or that i´m stuck on this baby step and all i want to do is race to the very top. i refuse to settle my heart in the mediocrity of my feelings.
Here´s the deal: It is especially difficult bc as a team, we were promised to be working alongside the prostitutes and gang members. the outreach ¨promotion¨ was mere talk and fluff. we are actually working with a church. the church of 30 or so people where we are living. which is all good...to be empowering the church of course...its just that this particular church has very differing perspectives and highly rooted beliefs on what evangelism entails and the role of church members to actually leave the church and go TO the people. they believe the people are just sposed to come to them somehow. i dunno...its kinda messed up. its religiousity versus relationship. and there is a huge disconnect between this religious viewpoint of the older members among the younger generation. our church and living area is surrounded by walls and wire and locks from the outside. i feel like we are barred from reality. we are living in the biggest kidnapping capital in the world...with all this hurt and pain all around us...and i feel helpless. there is alot of fear paralyzing this city...including the church. we, as a team, cry out to God every single morning to see the ¨more¨...to be a part of more of His heart...to be his hands and feet. how can we see the more if we are afraid to position ourselves for it? this is the posture of acceptance.
its not God that i don´t trust in this. its not that i don´t have the faith that he could actually use me or that i could be a witness to his miracles...its that i don´t necessarily trust people...and our shortcomings. the people making the decisions of how to evangelize...how to show God...how to minister. how do i trust that this is what God wants for us?? that what we are doing is making Him proud?? the answer that i have come up with for now is that....i can´t. i can only continue to trust in what i know is true. that being my Father. his ever continual love for my ever present questioning and struggling. i can only control my responses and reactions and dive deeper into the arms of my constance---my joy---my hope---my purpose...basically, lets just say my everything lol.
so this is where i am. trying to remember that i live and love for Christ, alone...above the cause---¨being¨in Christ versus ¨doing¨. trying to hang on---altho it doesn´t feel by much often times---to the strength i find in my Savior...my Father. is HE...alone...enough for me??!
So...please please pa--lease! pray it up for me and my team. we want the more. we are ready for it and are pleading to see and experience it. pray that we don´t become blind to it when it occurs...specially if it were to come amidst the mundane. pray that we keep our eyes open...our hearts ready and fervently faithful...and waiting in joyful expectance for God to put on His display. and that we can do our very bests and be faithful in the small things.
write and update me on all of your lives!!! i love you all!!! thank you abundantly for your prayers and support...and encouragement=)
Kate
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