So...i wish i could update you all with crazy God stories and miraculous God-witnessed movements, but the truth is...i´m really struggling to see God in what we are doing here. I´ve asked myself so many times ¨why am i here?¨ and ¨what the heck are we doing here?
ok...but backing up now...my team of 7 students and 2 leaders are staying at this Methodist church in Mexico City. we have been blessed with mats and a couple couches to sleep on...amazing authentic Mexican comida and lots of time to soak in Jesus´presence for the 9 days that we have been here. but i´m just not satisfied. actually...i´m beyond that. i´m SO hungry to witness and carry out more of God´s heart. i feel like i´m locked in this cage and my heart hurts. or that i´m stuck on this baby step and all i want to do is race to the very top. i refuse to settle my heart in the mediocrity of my feelings.
Here´s the deal: It is especially difficult bc as a team, we were promised to be working alongside the prostitutes and gang members. the outreach ¨promotion¨ was mere talk and fluff. we are actually working with a church. the church of 30 or so people where we are living. which is all good...to be empowering the church of course...its just that this particular church has very differing perspectives and highly rooted beliefs on what evangelism entails and the role of church members to actually leave the church and go TO the people. they believe the people are just sposed to come to them somehow. i dunno...its kinda messed up. its religiousity versus relationship. and there is a huge disconnect between this religious viewpoint of the older members among the younger generation. our church and living area is surrounded by walls and wire and locks from the outside. i feel like we are barred from reality. we are living in the biggest kidnapping capital in the world...with all this hurt and pain all around us...and i feel helpless. there is alot of fear paralyzing this city...including the church. we, as a team, cry out to God every single morning to see the ¨more¨...to be a part of more of His heart...to be his hands and feet. how can we see the more if we are afraid to position ourselves for it? this is the posture of acceptance.
its not God that i don´t trust in this. its not that i don´t have the faith that he could actually use me or that i could be a witness to his miracles...its that i don´t necessarily trust people...and our shortcomings. the people making the decisions of how to evangelize...how to show God...how to minister. how do i trust that this is what God wants for us?? that what we are doing is making Him proud?? the answer that i have come up with for now is that....i can´t. i can only continue to trust in what i know is true. that being my Father. his ever continual love for my ever present questioning and struggling. i can only control my responses and reactions and dive deeper into the arms of my constance---my joy---my hope---my purpose...basically, lets just say my everything lol.
so this is where i am. trying to remember that i live and love for Christ, alone...above the cause---¨being¨in Christ versus ¨doing¨. trying to hang on---altho it doesn´t feel by much often times---to the strength i find in my Savior...my Father. is HE...alone...enough for me??!
So...please please pa--lease! pray it up for me and my team. we want the more. we are ready for it and are pleading to see and experience it. pray that we don´t become blind to it when it occurs...specially if it were to come amidst the mundane. pray that we keep our eyes open...our hearts ready and fervently faithful...and waiting in joyful expectance for God to put on His display. and that we can do our very bests and be faithful in the small things.
write and update me on all of your lives!!! i love you all!!! thank you abundantly for your prayers and support...and encouragement=)
Kate
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Thursday, December 10, 2009
time to hop up on the dance flo
wow. 3 months of lecture phase/intense life transformation...done. i can't believe how fast that went! Sunday my team leaves for Mexico City for 2 more months of learning and application! Today we said g'bye to our first team leaving for Thailand and tomorrow we will send off the Morrocco team. The Costa Rica team leaves Saturday...so we are the "last but not least":)
It was actually really hard to say "see you later" to so many people that have become family to me. I might have let a few tears go. BUT...i am SO pumped to all come back together with testimonies of God's amazing power at work through US! How priviledged are we??!! That the God of the universe would choose to use such broken people to display his love. I am humbled and so thankful and honored that i can be His hands and feet.
And what perfect timing to put our teaching into practice because we just were drenched in the Holy Spirit this past week. He's a pretty tight part of the Trinity if you didn't know. haha...pretty awesome. I guess i often have not distinguished the differing characters of the Trinity, and totally downplayed their uniqueness. I witnessed quite alot of what most Christians seem to term "charismatic...um...or out there" typa God movement lol. Within the very first day, i saw the Spirit manefesting in people through shaking, laughing, crying, falling down and kinda like sleeping i guess. pretty new stuff for me! and i was a bit anxious and unsure of how to respond to the perceived chaos. The thing was, though, that i knew all these people, lol...and so i knew that they really would not and could not make this stuff up. So in my heart i knew it was forreal...i knew i was seeing the Holy Spirit moving around the room and i was hungry for the more of Him. We were given the opportunity to receive more gifts from the Holy Spirit...specifically, the gifts of Prophecy, Tongues, Healing, Wisdom, and Faith. And of course i wanted it all, so i was prayed over for each. The faith one was a bit different for me...it was the one i most desire...having ALL-OUT faith---which includes and welcomes any diversity, hardship, and suffering that is bound to come with such faith. It includes ACTION. living out--with total surrender and reckless abandon--to whatever and wherever God is calling forth. To step out, and step up into living out my faith through serving God with all my heart, not just partial obedience. And i couldn't wait to receive this gift/annointing. once receiving it i felt the Holy Spirit unlike anything i've ever felt before (being drug-free that is)...and i felt my body and arms get so heavy and weak that all i could do is sit and soak in His presence. It kinda scared me at first, but i had no choice but to rest and accept his love. i asked for prayer for healing of my neck several times...and it has actually been feeling better this week. as i think about it...i haven't taken any painkillers at all this week---and my liver says thanks. I also asked for healing over my mind---from depression that has run in my family for successive generations. It is very humbling for me to ask for prayer, i've figured out, because it is admitting and SUBmitting to my weakness and lack of ability to lean and depend on myself. The speaker asked for students to come forward who have ever in their life wished death upon themselves; in order to cut off satan's authority in that door that they had opened. He told of many of his friends and surprising stats of Christians who had once invited death upon themselves into thier thinking...and who a majority had later died of unnatural consequences at young ages. So many people went forward...i was surprised. and i was sitting there not wanting to move---not even sure if i really was ready to cut off that wish---and the speaker was like..."I feel like there is one more that needs to come forward"---ha...prolly something they all say as a tactic---nah actually i think and believe he was pretty legit---but at any cost...i finally got my butt up and acted in "the opposite spirit" which means maybe not all of me was sure that i desired total healing from this, but i knew in my head that i needed to act in this, so i did. and i cried sum more. ive cried often here. it sucks. i hate it. but there is something freeing from it. and forcing myself to act against satan and against death...and any other tactic satan tries to use on me...really started something in me. i dunno it all yet exactly...but i got a better taste of freedom...COMPLETE wholeness. and once you see it...haha...you really have no choice but to keep pursuing more of it. Jesus says (somewhere...maybe John 10:10...i'm not sure, just popped in my head...) but that "He has come to give life, and to give it ABUNDANTLY". emphasis added on the abundant word:) and i might need another tat of that lol. jk...kinda.
SO...thats whats been up this past week:) Now we are just getting ready to leave...learning dance/dramas, writing up testimonies and teaching lessons, cleaning, and acquiring needed outreach essentials. I was blessed with a backpack to borrow, so i am ready to party!
Oh...i almost forgot about the "giving night". The base all participated in a lil bit different style of worshiping God one night last week---by giving to each other. it was SO AWESOME to see such pure humility and generosity---actually...i think what it was was straight up love. Our love for God was manefested through our loving and preferring each other, and it was quite the testimony. people gave laptops, CARS, jewlery, clothes, money, treasured and sentimental items, and on and on...tears were flowing and hugs and prayers were flying. people were blessed by receiving and giving.
Did i mention that i absolutely LOVE it here??! God is so ever present, even amidst the struggles that we've all been walking through. I love living in community...and i love experiencing more of Christ. The more i experience of Jesus...the deeper and stronger my faith is rooted, and i think i'm going to be needing sum very strong and undemolishable roots!
I'll try to keep you all posted from Mexico, but i am unsure of what our internet access will be at this time. But please continue to pray for our team(s)!!
Prayer Points:
* Spiritual oppression/depression from the country's history and religious ties/practices (our 1 week trip as a base to Mexico was really hard for me and many others b/c of this....PLEASE PLEASE...i need prayer on this!!!!!)
* Openness and flexibility to the leading of the Holy Spirit each day, concerning our ministry outlook for each day...versus being stubborn or concerned with what we/I would like to do or how i would like to minister. more of the HS...less of ME!
* Finances/last minute NEEDS: one girl is waiting on a very important (go-or not go) official paper from the German govt. It is on its way but it has to come before Sunday! Another guy is waiting on his backpack to come from the mail. And also very importantly...we have 2 members that do not have their outreach money all in yet. as in nearly $2,000 i think...still needed to be raised...and yes...before Sunday:) with all these needes, however, i am a little excited to see how God will provide it all. our timing in comparison to His...haha, a little funny. we are such instant-fix people...and it kinda takes away from his glory if He were to provide in such rigid and unpredictable ways.
* And team unity/cohesiveness. Pray that we become more self-less and more loving with one another, because people will see that first...whether or not we are able to love each other...as a team...before they realize how or impacted by how we love them.
Thank you over n over again, to all that have and are supporting me---financially...prayers...encouraging facebook posts/e-mails/IMs (technology these days:) and awesome care-packages, often full of CANDY!!!!!!!!!! who knew??! haha. Thank you. I love you.
It was actually really hard to say "see you later" to so many people that have become family to me. I might have let a few tears go. BUT...i am SO pumped to all come back together with testimonies of God's amazing power at work through US! How priviledged are we??!! That the God of the universe would choose to use such broken people to display his love. I am humbled and so thankful and honored that i can be His hands and feet.
And what perfect timing to put our teaching into practice because we just were drenched in the Holy Spirit this past week. He's a pretty tight part of the Trinity if you didn't know. haha...pretty awesome. I guess i often have not distinguished the differing characters of the Trinity, and totally downplayed their uniqueness. I witnessed quite alot of what most Christians seem to term "charismatic...um...or out there" typa God movement lol. Within the very first day, i saw the Spirit manefesting in people through shaking, laughing, crying, falling down and kinda like sleeping i guess. pretty new stuff for me! and i was a bit anxious and unsure of how to respond to the perceived chaos. The thing was, though, that i knew all these people, lol...and so i knew that they really would not and could not make this stuff up. So in my heart i knew it was forreal...i knew i was seeing the Holy Spirit moving around the room and i was hungry for the more of Him. We were given the opportunity to receive more gifts from the Holy Spirit...specifically, the gifts of Prophecy, Tongues, Healing, Wisdom, and Faith. And of course i wanted it all, so i was prayed over for each. The faith one was a bit different for me...it was the one i most desire...having ALL-OUT faith---which includes and welcomes any diversity, hardship, and suffering that is bound to come with such faith. It includes ACTION. living out--with total surrender and reckless abandon--to whatever and wherever God is calling forth. To step out, and step up into living out my faith through serving God with all my heart, not just partial obedience. And i couldn't wait to receive this gift/annointing. once receiving it i felt the Holy Spirit unlike anything i've ever felt before (being drug-free that is)...and i felt my body and arms get so heavy and weak that all i could do is sit and soak in His presence. It kinda scared me at first, but i had no choice but to rest and accept his love. i asked for prayer for healing of my neck several times...and it has actually been feeling better this week. as i think about it...i haven't taken any painkillers at all this week---and my liver says thanks. I also asked for healing over my mind---from depression that has run in my family for successive generations. It is very humbling for me to ask for prayer, i've figured out, because it is admitting and SUBmitting to my weakness and lack of ability to lean and depend on myself. The speaker asked for students to come forward who have ever in their life wished death upon themselves; in order to cut off satan's authority in that door that they had opened. He told of many of his friends and surprising stats of Christians who had once invited death upon themselves into thier thinking...and who a majority had later died of unnatural consequences at young ages. So many people went forward...i was surprised. and i was sitting there not wanting to move---not even sure if i really was ready to cut off that wish---and the speaker was like..."I feel like there is one more that needs to come forward"---ha...prolly something they all say as a tactic---nah actually i think and believe he was pretty legit---but at any cost...i finally got my butt up and acted in "the opposite spirit" which means maybe not all of me was sure that i desired total healing from this, but i knew in my head that i needed to act in this, so i did. and i cried sum more. ive cried often here. it sucks. i hate it. but there is something freeing from it. and forcing myself to act against satan and against death...and any other tactic satan tries to use on me...really started something in me. i dunno it all yet exactly...but i got a better taste of freedom...COMPLETE wholeness. and once you see it...haha...you really have no choice but to keep pursuing more of it. Jesus says (somewhere...maybe John 10:10...i'm not sure, just popped in my head...) but that "He has come to give life, and to give it ABUNDANTLY". emphasis added on the abundant word:) and i might need another tat of that lol. jk...kinda.
SO...thats whats been up this past week:) Now we are just getting ready to leave...learning dance/dramas, writing up testimonies and teaching lessons, cleaning, and acquiring needed outreach essentials. I was blessed with a backpack to borrow, so i am ready to party!
Oh...i almost forgot about the "giving night". The base all participated in a lil bit different style of worshiping God one night last week---by giving to each other. it was SO AWESOME to see such pure humility and generosity---actually...i think what it was was straight up love. Our love for God was manefested through our loving and preferring each other, and it was quite the testimony. people gave laptops, CARS, jewlery, clothes, money, treasured and sentimental items, and on and on...tears were flowing and hugs and prayers were flying. people were blessed by receiving and giving.
Did i mention that i absolutely LOVE it here??! God is so ever present, even amidst the struggles that we've all been walking through. I love living in community...and i love experiencing more of Christ. The more i experience of Jesus...the deeper and stronger my faith is rooted, and i think i'm going to be needing sum very strong and undemolishable roots!
I'll try to keep you all posted from Mexico, but i am unsure of what our internet access will be at this time. But please continue to pray for our team(s)!!
Prayer Points:
* Spiritual oppression/depression from the country's history and religious ties/practices (our 1 week trip as a base to Mexico was really hard for me and many others b/c of this....PLEASE PLEASE...i need prayer on this!!!!!)
* Openness and flexibility to the leading of the Holy Spirit each day, concerning our ministry outlook for each day...versus being stubborn or concerned with what we/I would like to do or how i would like to minister. more of the HS...less of ME!
* Finances/last minute NEEDS: one girl is waiting on a very important (go-or not go) official paper from the German govt. It is on its way but it has to come before Sunday! Another guy is waiting on his backpack to come from the mail. And also very importantly...we have 2 members that do not have their outreach money all in yet. as in nearly $2,000 i think...still needed to be raised...and yes...before Sunday:) with all these needes, however, i am a little excited to see how God will provide it all. our timing in comparison to His...haha, a little funny. we are such instant-fix people...and it kinda takes away from his glory if He were to provide in such rigid and unpredictable ways.
* And team unity/cohesiveness. Pray that we become more self-less and more loving with one another, because people will see that first...whether or not we are able to love each other...as a team...before they realize how or impacted by how we love them.
Thank you over n over again, to all that have and are supporting me---financially...prayers...encouraging facebook posts/e-mails/IMs (technology these days:) and awesome care-packages, often full of CANDY!!!!!!!!!! who knew??! haha. Thank you. I love you.
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