Trauma, Mental Health, and Spirituality

Is everything spiritual?

I believe it is.  The problem lies when we don't equate everything as being spiritual.  When we view trauma or mental health apart from spirituality, saying that one has no influence on the other. If we could only see all the triggers at play…if we could only see the backdrop of this warring world of good versus evil.

How does one become traumatized, if not because of sin itself? Say a crime is committed against an individual, is that sin or is that just human nature? Or let's say it is a traumatic health issue that takes place, or a 'natural' disaster... is the reason for this pain not rooted in the sin of our ancestors of Adam and Eve? Did they not open the door to sin…Close the door on the perfect Garden and open the door to a imperfect and pain filled world where bad things happen to good people? Spirituality.

I will be the first to say that trauma opens the door for more sin to enter.  If we fail to shut this door, we open ourselves up to the possibility of perpetuating sin, even if we were the victim of the sin in the first place. It's obviously not fair. But the Enemy doesn't play fair, remember? Take sexual abuse for example. A horrendous crime committed against someone. You would never think that the victim would be vulnerable of related or effectual sin to take place, would you? But that's just it, whether we like it or not, a seed is planted.

Let's say that the victim doesn't become a perpetrator of the same kind (but in many cases, this becomes fact), the victim doesn't choose to perpetuate the crime, however, does now listen to lies, does create a sinful pattern of believing and thinking…is this not sin as well? What's really not fair is when the abuse happens as a child or to a person who has not yet known truth…they don't know that they are molding into a sinful pattern. When does God hold us accountable? When we know truth. When we are in position of leadership. When we are teachers of his Word. Thank you, God, that You walk with us all through the mess of trauma into truth in Your timing and in Your perfect ways. He does it in love and he does it in grace; he also does it through discipline and correction.

Many people…even Christians would say that because we fall short…because we are sinful beings…that we have no choice but to sin. umm….okay….where is the hope in that??!! Where is the freedom of the cross??!! That's absurd. The FREEING TRUTH is that we do have the hope of holiness. We have it at our fingertips…we have ALL of Christ living within us. You don't think he is capable of freeing us of our sinful selves? The truth is, we hide it. We don't give him access to this part of us. (whether consciously or subconsciously) That's when we entrap ourselves.  No, its not through our doing that we walk a holy life, that's all God. But don't say that we aren't capable of it. Don't say that we are slaves to sin…because that is heresy. What was the cross for and where is the hope if this were true??

I walked for so long in so many lies. I walked in sin when I chose to believe lies about my identity in Christ--that I was unloveable…or God's identity--that he wasn't faithful to me…or how he desires for me to interact in this world. Most of the time it was unconsciously, that's when truth telling and counsel are so needed. That is when allowing God to search our deceitful hearts is vital…so that the unconscious becomes conscious. This is when we are capable of seeing and changing. The hope remains that his love and the work that he accomplished on the cross frees me, and gives me hope and ability to walk in truth and holiness. It's only possible by opening all of ourselves up to His redeeming and reviving molding hand. When we choose to keep hidden, we are essentially choosing sin, shackles and death.

I've faced some very dark clinical depression and anxiety.  So much so that I used to contemplate suicide often. While I think trauma and biology can play a huge part in mental health disorders such as these, I also hold the opinion that spirituality is intertwined.  What we, as mental health practitioners call 'situational depression'…is also a spiritual depression. Somewhere along the line we have learned to respond to life in an unhealthy way.  This is not how God made us to feel or act or think. Not in a state of constant depression or anxiety. If we claim that we are depressed or anxious people then we claim that as our identity and that is a sin. We perpetuate the problem…we perpetuate sin. Healing and relief come when we reveal our struggles to God, and/or to Christ-centered counsel, and hold fast and unswervingly to the hope that this is not who we are…when we open these parts of ourselves up to the God who is capable of redeeming and restoring every part of us…when we choose to throw off the lies and bring in the truth.  (Yes, I believe psychological counseling--preferably with a Christ-follower who knows truth--is often highly beneficial)

Please don't misconstrue what I'm saying...I don't think that this restoration and redemption of our identities is always easy work or immediate. I'm not saying that I'll never have another depressive or anxious thought. I don't agree that once we say a prayer that we are done being saved. Salvation is a lifetime process and so is restoration. Sometimes we see the fruit all at once in some areas…sometimes it comes more gradually. But I don't agree that we are lifeless puppets. We have choices. It is all through God's grace and power…but we have to give him access, we have to remove our grip from the masks that we hold so tightly to our faces and let him have His way. We don't want to be found out, but the truth is, God already sees and knows all of who we are. But He is a respectful God. He never forces himself on us. It's relationship. And it's our choice. How much are we willing to expose of ourselves to this God that longs to be given the entirety of our hearts? Let's allow him to do his great work in our hearts so that our words become congruent with our actions and so that we experience for ourselves and offer for others, true freedom. It is the most painful process and the most liberating all at the same time. God promises never to leave us broken. Let's take him up on that hope. This hope that is at our very fingertips. Hope for the brokenhearted.

The Unveiling: Part 2: Worthy of Being Loved

After writing "Part 1" my mind wouldn't sit still with the many more thoughts firing through my head.
I set the initial backdrop of the love story, the truth that our hearts are being battled for, and raised the question of whether or not we believed our God to be a good God, able to be trusted with our hearts. But i left out a key question. One that i have struggled with often. Am I worthy of being loved?

God says, yes,  I am. God calls us worthy. He actually sees us as he created us: that of whole, holy, perfect and worthy. He not only names us worthy but he proves it to us. For what kind of god would sacrifice his only son to a people that he views as unworthy of his love? This is freaking me out a bit to even write, telling me that i have yet to fully grasp the fullness of His love for me. It's so scandalous!!!

I suppose it goes back to those wounding messages we are bombarded with or the lies that have infiltrated. "You are unloveable", "You're a screw-up", "Not even your most trusted friends could stick around", "You are unworthy of love". Okay, yes, these are rather blatant and often times the messages are more subtle, but tell me you haven't thought at least one of these thoughts on one occasion or another? A lot of Christian songs actually serve to further this message, dropping lyrics with the likes of identifying us as filthy sinners, pieces of nothingness. These are only partial truths. Yes, its true that we are nothing and we are sinners….apart from God…but God desires, so desperately, for us to see who we are…in God and with God in us.  

What would happen if we grasped the truth that we have ALL of the living God within us…fighting for ALL of us--for our very hearts? I'm pretty certain the Scriptures proclaim that within God and God in us that we are made holy and perfect in his sight. True? What would happen if we believed that we are capable of being loved so fervently from the most Holy of Holies? Would our self-images change? Our outlooks on life? Our view of others? Our beliefs…thoughts…and behaviors?

The other day God whispered a love message to me: "You are beautiful, Kate".  Honestly, it threw me off guard…I wasn't sure how to respond let alone, feel about this. That made me ask myself why. Why did this declaration of love make me feel rather defensive? Because it touched at a belief that i too often entertain, that I am unlovable. Not only that but it enlightened me to realize that God is a lover of my heart…that he pursues me because he loves me. He pursues our hearts, not in a "one time, now you're saved" kind of way…but in the way of relationship. An out-of-the-blue, "just because", gesture of his love for us. In Revelation, it talks about Jesus carving a "new name" in stone for each of us. A "new name"…a name reserved to be heard between a Lover and his beloved.  We wait for not just any feast…upon that heavenly day…but the wedding feast. That. Is. Crazy. Love….in a way i've not quite thought of until now.

We have a choice. We have been given the freedom of choice to accept his love and to pursue him back. Its not always easy to accept His love, but we have already established that he is good and can be trusted. And furthermore, we are lovable--and while, not by any means deserving of his love, but freely given it. Remember that cross? The one he conquered sin and death on---that's how we freely receive it.  Who are we to turn around and say that we are not lovable? That kinda seems like a slap in the face to a God who has done everything to show us otherwise.

He doesn't want half-hearted lovers or controlled and forced affection, he wants the untamed yet wholehearted desire from his children to love him back. The love story, as mentioned previously. Where perhaps we haven't been given a voice or a choice before in how our hearts have been handled or given to, now we do. Talk about his risk! It's not manipulative or demanding, It's not even conditional! And that is what makes it so refreshingly desirable.

I used to give my heart indiscriminately to anyone and everyone. Not often realizing that i had a choice and not giving a voice to how my heart was handled. In so doing, it would often get trampled on, thrown out, spit upon--in short…i held my heart out and said "Go ahead…do with it as you wish", not deeming it worthy enough to protect it. God says that heart is worthy of being protected. God says, "It's beautiful…you are beautiful, my darling…there is no flaw in you".  Where his own heart has been trampled on, thrown out and literally spit upon...He still freely gives it, still battles for our heart, gives up everything for us, risks it all on us, and still he lets us choose…gives us a voice. Giving us complete freedom and with it, complete and whole healing.

A perfectly whole love, even with being hurt at his very core.  Experiencing total betrayal of his own heart. Lucifer, the betrayer, a chosen angel created out of God's furious love.  Israel, God's chosen people, betrayed continuously. Peter, apparently at the core circle of Jesus' friends, let in on more of God's glory and heart than some of the other disciples…totally betrayed him in the time that mattered most. And then he tries it all again…this giving of his trampled upon heart…to us. I can't say that we fared any better in loving Him, and he still gives himself to us, completely and in all wholeness. A love that is perfectly holy.

That is the fierce and unswervingly faithful love of our God. That is how much he says we are worth it.  We are his beloved. Likened to that of "His bride". That is a God we can entrust our heart and our love with. He will never betray us. Never stop fighting for the redemption of our hearts nor stop dazzling and overwhelming us with his continual pursuance. We are fiercely loved. And the more we can center our minds and hearts around this truth, the more freedom, holiness and wholeness we will live into.

Enjoy this quote from Abba's Child, by Brennan Manning:


"It takes a profound conversion to accept that God is relentlessly tender and compassionate toward us just as we are--not in spite of our sins and faults (that would not be total acceptance), but with them."

The Unveiling: Part 1: A Love Story

In each of our lives, at differing points in our histories, we can, without doubt, safely assume that we have been pierced with uniquely painful messages;  messages that serve to further Satan's purposes and taint the reality of who we were made to be.

There are two differing messages…not all bad, and those truths that we are blessed enough to have fed to us early on prove to strengthen and equip us to deflect and withstand opposing messages. But the fact remains, that however poured into with truth a person starts off with, those poison arrows tend to find there way in at some point in our lives and infect the very core of our being-the base of our operating system. And admit it or not, it does affect us.  If we are not conscious of the cuts made and the severing of those truth roots, then we walk around this life wounded--and wounding others at the same time.

Some are aware of their wounds some are not. Some are able to say that they've been wounded, but have no idea where those voracious messages seeped into their souls…how it has painted their personalities…and subsequently colored their view of the world they live in.

Perhaps we begin to walk with tunnel vision through this life.  I admit that I often forget that this life is being battled out. We get stuck in our little stories and we miss the big picture. A picture and a reality of Good versus Evil. Yes, my heart and soul belong to my Savior, but that doesn't mean that Satan throws up his hands and erases his efforts at vying for position. He would love nothing less than to do great…(or small, for that matter)-damage to our identity as sons and daughters, princes and princesses of a King who so longingly desires us to see, know and live out our given inheritances of holy and wholly healed.

And so we continue to walk around in our little stories, unaware of who we really are or the bigger purpose for our current struggles, pain or life in general. We become satisfied with only seeing a fraction of truth--its safe. It may often suck, and be riddled with boredom, fatigue and hopelessness…but its safe! It's what we know, and that is comforting to us. So we replace the need for a Comforter with fake comforts. We forego the abundance of the narrow road because we can't see the process or the end…or we don't trust it.

If we don't trust either the process or the end…then it is time for us to start questioning our trust in our Shepherd. For the end has already been won! And our Shepherd…our Savior, Friend, Lover, Father and Comforter…HE IS GOOD! Do we really believe this? Or are we choosing our own hum drum stories to live into versus allowing ourselves to be enthralled with Love himself? Is is scary to feel your soul come alive…to acquire hope? To be loved by such a wild Lover?

It is often scary for me…but exceedingly more scary at the beginning. To feel hope, because it was once so unknown and I wasn't yet sure of the goodness of God. I wasn't certain that He could be trusted with the all of who I was. For some of us, we have learned to give over our trust of God in some areas of our lives, but we are holding out and hanging on to other parts of us…often with a vice grip. Maybe we should ask ourselves some hard, yet truth telling questions. Why is this? What is it that I fear letting go of?

Silence. This is what opened pandora's box for these questions to coming floating out, for me the other day. The house became silent. And I panicked. I'm one to always have music on…and i've reasoned with myself that because its now all music that teaches me more about God or allows me to praise him, that its okay---its good---that it is constantly flowing out of the computer speakers. I've reasoned this way because I've heard God asking me to turn it off! (This is a very minor example, but in a way, nothing is minor in this life that is governed by our very hearts and minds). So I had to ask myself these questions: Why? Why do I hate silence? Why would I rather be around people all day than spend a few minutes alone…by myself…with God? I've got my answers, and they aren't all pretty, but they are real and they are solid launching points of diving deeper into the heart of my Father.

And that is the goal. That is our purpose. To know God and who we are in Him…then we can live it out, not remaining locked in our own stories but in God's story--God's love story, where he is not just the Author of our lives but the Hero as well. A story in which we learn how to squelch the poison-tipped arrows of the Enemy and step out into our created identities. To make the return to The Garden where it first began. And the return to the hope that the fullness of that Garden awaits us at the end of that road that we, in all of our own efforts, squint our eyes trying to see.

Think about it, if we truly knew how scandalously and furiously we are loved by the Creator of the universe…how could we remain unchanged? That narrow road is not easy by any means. It is the hardest, most excruciatingly painful journey you could ever go on.  Not encouraging? Oh but it is…because it is so worth it. We were not made to walk through this life comforted and made numb by temporary things of this world, because we were made for more. Our hearts were formed for the more. This is why we become depressed and tend to lose heart when we stop remembering God's love and faithfulness and who we are, because our very identity has been covered up.

 It's time to uncover the veil. It's time to remember…to throw off all that hinders us-trace back the arrows and replace them with truth…truth that God is faithful and good. This is not a game of survival. You won't win by trying to negate hurt and pain. Take away those emotions and you take away all the good, you bury your heart and with it your soul, becoming someone that you were never intended to become.  It's time to awaken our hearts that were made to beat wildly for a wild Lover.

New Adventures

Next Steps... Email not displaying correctly? View it in your browser.

Belo Horizonte, Brazil Greetings... I hope this email finds each of you filled with the joy and presence of our Christ.  I am writing to you in order to update you on my next steps and in hope that you will desire to partner with me in prayer and/or financial support. I have decided to jump back into working alongside YWAM in the country of Brazil. The street children of Brazil started to tug---or, rather---squeeze my heart out when reading "A Cry From The Streets", a book published by YWAM and the book that introduced me to this organization and to the realization that our God was and is way more than I had or could ever imagine him to be. I have been asking God for quite some time now as to what my next steps would look like. I consistently heard his answer as "trust me--be still, and rest in me". Let's just say I didn't do the awesomest job at this. After a day or two of "attempting to rest my heart and mind", I would fill in the gaps with a new idea--mine--and try to ease my anxiety with my own plans. None of which worked out, I know...shocker! And I was left baffled and broken, back at the feet of our patient and loving Lord, saying "Okay, God! I give up! I'm tired of trying to make something work out on my own...work it out for me!". What followed was such unreal peace...the peace in all its restfulness that makes you proclaim thanks and honor to the only One who can grant such gifts. I tried to rationalize the idea of Brazil away. To be honest, I'm terrified of the language barrier. I'm not great at picking up new languages and Portuguese, as similar as it is, is not Spanish! And then there's the whole, trusting God with the money thing again. While this had its use in building my faith in Los Angeles, I wasn't overly stoked about the idea of becoming dependent, once again, on others. Third, I honestly am somewhat apprehensive of working alongside Christians, again. We are most often hurt the deepest by people or friends that profess love for Christ because it screws with our belief system when they end up causing pain. Yet, a very wise friend told me today, that this will happen anywhere and everywhere. It is not YWAM specific, it is people specific and my belief system is now more strongly rooted in Christ, alone.  So, of course, I'm conveying all this to our all-knowing Father and he continues to ask the same question he's been asking me all summer: "Do you trust me?". Well...Do I??!! The truth is, i'm still working on it, but in the here and now and in the language, the scars and my dreams, I am choosing trust. People ask me if "i'm sure"...Or, if "i'm certain i'm doing the right thing or if this is really God's will and direction for me". I'm not completely sure that I can ever say that I am 100% certain that I have heard God correctly. I don't consider myself lofty enough to say I know all that God thinks or is.  All I can say is that I have felt total peace upon the yielding of my desires and fears and picking the dream of Brazil back up at this time and making the wholehearted plunge into continuing to follow after knowing more of my God and making him known to others. I currently have my first prayer and financial supporter in place as i am typing this. That is the signature of my Father on a piece he is continuing to make beautiful. In the end, we will not carry with us into His presence our wallets or belongings, its not our list of successes nor the least amount of failures counted-It's the motivation of our hearts. Do we believe what we proclaim to be true? And are we living like it? I don't want to dream and never wake up, I want to live out my dreams and make them reality.  For such a time as this... So, the time has come to embark without restraint into this dream and I am choosing the way of "full time missional living" and support raising. I would be honored if you would consider partnering with me in bringing the hope of the Gospel to the barrios and slums of Belo Horizonte. To the children and families, the abandoned and abused, offering truth of the only One who can truly transform their worlds. To know God and to make him known. This is all I desire for life. Deciding to partner with me will bring God's fervent and furious love to these abandoned and neglected children, youth and families living in the poorest and violent-filled streets and slums in the city of Belo Horizonte.  Details... I will be living and working with one of two possible houses that Belo Horizonte has established-The Lighthouse or the Rock House. These particular houses are community oriented and set up to both live and work with children, youth and families amidst the slums.  The work includes, evangelism and home visits within the streets and favelas, discipleship, tending to the physical, emotional, social and spiritual needs, building relationships, and identifying and developing strengths and identities formed in the image of Christ. Once I become more fluent in Portuguese I will be able to engage on a deeper level in counseling. Belo Horizonte has 6 different homes and shelters that target specific areas of need which you can look at further on the website: http://bhcentro.jocum.org.br/joomla/index.php?lang=en - At this time, every 1 USD converts to 2.32 Brazilian Real, therefore, a little goes a long way! You can support me by choosing to 1. Commit to pray for me  2. Make a one time donation or  3. Commit to monthly support of any given amount.  If you feel that you are being led to support me then I would love to talk to you in greater depth or connect with you in some way.  Financial giving can be done through the following means: Credit/Debit Card/Checks through YWAM Tyler TX (and is tax deductible) (Contact me for further info); or PayPal. It is my commitment to update you monthly by newsletter as to the work being done through your support.   *Checks can be made out to: YWAM   ** include a separate note stating the donation is for: Kate Hunt (Do not  write my name on the check)Mail to:  YWAM   Att: Accounting DeptP.O. Box 3000, Garden Valley, TX, 75771-3000 About YWAM (JOCUM) Belo Horizonte... This base is dedicated to defending the cause of the poor and needy, the orphans and in particular, reaching the children, youth and families who live on the streets or in the slums with the Gospel of hope and love. Knowing God and making him known within the roughest and often violent favelas. The base has developed 6 houses to meet specific needs, Some targeting evangelism and street outreach, meeting kids on the street and bringing them into support and community centers, providing food, shelter and hope. There are houses that work directly with pregnant or new young mothers, as well as restoration and rehabilitation houses, and some that work with the whole family unit, attempting to reunite families with their children, equipping them and helping to meet needs. Training schools occur on campus and community development off campus. "It is our goal to see trans-formation in the spiritual, physical, intellectual, and social areas."--[www.bhcentro.jocum.org.br] About Brazil... For all of you who will finish reading this and promptly Google Belo Horizonte and Brazil...:)...Let me save you some time and provide some information! Belo Horizonte is Portuguese for "Beautiful Horizon". 5,497,922 Brazilians live in the designated state of Minas Gerais which is built on several hills and completely enveloped by mountains. The official language is Portuguese, so I will have my work cut out for me! This beautiful language can be described as a mix between French and Spanish. The regional weather is considered tropical, typically ranging in degree from 52-88. During the 18th century, immigrants from Northern Portugal and many African slaves arrived, creating a unique culture of varying races. Catholicism is the leading religion with 68% and Protestants number 18%. Brazil is a country filled with great and overwhelming disparities between the rich and poor, allowing for vast impoverishment and segregation. You have the beautiful high rise buildings flooding with a developing world and work force which overlooks the slums or "favelas" directly under their feet. Not much different than most places in the world with this incongruence and injustice, perhaps just more obvious. It is largely due to this epidemic of poverty that street children emerge. In Brazil, between 1988 and 1990, a recorded 4,611 street children were murdered by police.[17] High numbers of street children murders by police have also been reported in Guatemala and Colombia.[17] Hostility and violence towards street children may originate from their indigenous background, indicated by their darker skin, or from their insubordination to authority figures.[2] Street children are commonly viewed as threats to society, as thieves and criminals. In recent years, vigilante “death squads” have formed to rid society of street children by murdering them. In Brazil, death squads can earn $50 per child killed. Under child labor laws, even legal work is illegal, and street children are thus often legal targets for police harassment and incarceration, even if they are not selling drugs, stealing, or engaging in other illegal activities. [Wikipedia:Street Children In Latin America]  As with any country, Brazil has its skeletons and closeted or not so closeted injustices, however; Brazil is also a beautifully vibrant and diverse country, brimming with opportunities to continue speaking forth the fullness of life and for a gorgeously created and loved people to learn more about their Creator.     Prayer Points... Raising prayer/financial supporters Transition of moving cross-culturally Establishing supportive friendships/relationships Learning the language of Portuguese Developing relationships with those I will be ministering to Continued vision and wisdom  move

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Labour of Love

From the fall out in the Garden of Eden, to Israel, to Jesus' disciples, and yes, to you and I; it is obvious that he chooses quite the broken vessels to bring forth his redemptive life. His love is labored. It reminds me of his perfect illustration of the bride of Hosea. She repeatedly rejects, hurts, refutes her husband's love, and yet he remains dedicated to her. Love does not come without cost, without a price, or without labour. God doesn't fall in and out of love with us, he chooses love despite what we deserve.

So often I feel way underserving.  I am undeserving.  That's the point of his amazing grace!  I am often hit hard with how difficult it can be to love--to love the body of believers--It's easy to love the lost or the "just beginning" or those in which you don't feel should be accountable to knowing truth. It is way more difficult for me to choose love for believers who I feel should know by now how to love and respond in a Godly way! So in my frustration of their choice to choose fleshly responses, I often feel myself responding in the same flesh of "me"--anger.  Responses are everything.  And I often see the ugliness of myself apart from God. What an Artist that he can make the ugliest places in our heart mold into something of beauty! Only Him.

He, therefore, Is is my Rock. My unmovable and unshakable foundation that harnesses in my explosive emotions and brings me into his arms and takes the blindfold off. I open my eyes to an entirely different looking world. A world, in which, the daily battles...the frustrations with Christ-followers, the injustices or the frustrations of others becomes clear for what it is: Warfare.  The truth is that the choice is ours. We can enter into the fight on our own, apart from God or alongside him. We can choose our humanity or we can choose to step back and bring it all before the throne.  I don't know that intercessory prayer can be overstressed as an essential weapon that we must carry with us and sharpen daily. It means constant conversing with our Father, consistently and fervently inviting him into each and every battle so that we know how to fight, when to fight, when to let him fight for us, and who it is we are fighting.
--"For the battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the principalities and rulers of this 
world"--

What is it, then that prevails against such evil? It is Love. My God is love...and every time we choose to respond in accordance with this love, we break down the defenses of evil and open the door to transformative justice...we illuminate grace. That is living out the kingdom here on this earth.

Singularity of Vision: Unity

Unity is surely the hot catch word within today's Christian circles.  And while the concept of unity is undoubtedly of importance, I think perhaps we have allowed the ideal to shape our vision, rather than constructing an anchor of singular vision to ensure unity.

We spend so much time talking about unity, creating space to hear from the Spirit on the subject of unity, taking time to develop our idea of unity...and in the meantime, our vision lays dormant on the sidelines. We lessen our threat to the Evil One with our inaction and he has a good laugh.  While most of us have the best intentions at heart, the truth remains that we sit still...we sit still trying to create unity from our own means and we forget why we are together in the first place: To know God and to make him known to others. 

When we are actively seeking to know God and actively engaging in project to make him known to others, we place God as our Leader and our vision becomes singular, thus artistically following God's intended design of unity, itself. Think about it..how did Jesus go about choosing and developing his disciples? Did he spend months...years...fostering unity among the twelve, casting purpose and vision aside to "create" unity? Not so much! Here is Jesus' strategy. He calls to one...tells another stranger to join and then another...and before you know it, there are his twelve.  I can picture Simon Peter glancing to his left and wondering who the heck is this, James, guy? Or John pondering how this newly and seemingly haphazardly formed group could come together cohesively...they joined to know God. In so doing...they made God known to others. Their passion to know God and urgently follow in his footsteps...out of their comfort zones, amidst a group of great personalities and clashing backgrounds...led to who we now know as "The Twelve Disciples of Jesus". 

The term disciple refers to running after God...with all that we are. That is our singular purpose and vision, Christ himself. Unity naturally flows forth and greatness emerges. Inaction does not frighten Satan...in fact, he is satisfied and will leave us Christians to just that, for we will not grow the Kingdom of Christ while standing still.  Lets replace our vision for unity with the vision of becoming disciples, ourselves, picking up our feet and placing them into the boots of our forerunners, John, James, Peter, Paul...They followed their Leader and they became unified. Glory to God and him alone! 

How do we see the Kingdom come down to earth? We create opportunity for Christ to act. We take ourselves...and all of our insecurities, our confining and self-constructed boxes of faith...and we lay them aside. Watch God put on his show...See his glory manifest in ways we never could have imagined, never mind created! It is our job to place our faith and trust in Christ as the Head. He will unify...he will show up! 

***Thy kingdom come thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread*** ("Daily"---implying we are constantly in need and dependent on Jehova Jirah, our Provider)

And...Or...

I'm going to write on a topic that will surprise most i'm sure...at least, as it is coming from me. And...Or. Do we, as Christ-followers, have to choose between risk or wisdom? Or...could it be that risk and wisdom run congruently within one another?

If you know me, then you know that I've been all about "risky faith living" since encountering the totality of God's love for me. I've taken some God adventures that haven't seemed "safe" or have failed to always "make sense" to others, including Christians. I'm speaking from a place of knowing and walking into risk, while concurrently recognizing wisdom's adjoining necessity.

Wisdom. She displays God's character at all times. She emphasizes the direct need for accountability and Godly counsel. And she highlights community. She is a direct accumulation from our past experiences, not biasing our beliefs and decisions, but propelling us into truth that has been acquired from insight. I've recently begun to dive into Proverbs and i have noticed the numerous times that this wisdom book emphasizes listening. It references our ears, hearing, observing, learning, being taught, and allowing rebuke...major listening skills! Particular verses even go so far as to rebuke constant or much "rambling of speech or mouth" and naming this as highlighting ignorance. "Slow to speak and slow to become angry". The tongue and our speech, as well as our lack of listening, is telling of the state of our heart. Response of hostility, defensiveness, and aggression runs incongruently with wisdom and is counterproductive to furthering any amount of insight that we might gain.

It becomes pride when we believe that we are infallible and neglect sound wisdom and counsel. Perhaps we should be looking deeper--why is it that we don't want to enter the accountability of our community? What is causing us to close ourselves off, harden our hearts and retreat? Responses are indicative to what is at our heart.

I am grateful for every struggle that has led me deeper into the Father's arms of loving wisdom, and know there are many more trials to come. Also, I am very thankful for those who have been faithful in speaking into my life. Obviously, Christ is THE reason for any growth and strength, but it has been cool looking back and seeing how many people he has carved into my life to help speak truth along the way. He can bless us with as many people like this as he wants in our lives; however, it remains our choice as to how we walk forward in humility and vulnerability.  I am so thankful for God's grace and the pure power of the Holy Spirit in his ability to mold our hearts to be open and hungry for truth and wisdom, no matter the cost.

The cost is our pride. Naturally I lean towards a rather stubborn personality, which has been life-saving at so many times in my life, but has also stood in my way at other points. Do we want to walk in true vulnerability and humility? Ask for counsel. Not the half-hearted, sugar-coating type of counsel...we must surround ourselves with people who know us inside and out, who will speak the truth to us straight up, no holes barred. Truth in love. This is our responsibility to others and it is our necessity to obtain for ourselves. We cannot walk in this faith with the pride that believes "I will never fall" or "I have all the answers", for to do so is beyond risk, it is dangerous ignorance.  "We all sin and fall short of the glory of God"...but we fall less when we surround ourselves with loving truth tellers...and surely we are quicker to get back up!

Let's start arming ourselves with truth. With Godly counsel. Accountability. Humility. True reckless abandon of our pride into what is "Faith Walking".  We start clothing ourselves in wisdom, and we watch the amount of scars we inflict on ourselves and others start diminishing. The key is knowing God's character. Soaking in his presence, his truths and sitting at the feet of our one and only Savior. Knowing who it is that we serve, so that we are capable of spotting the fallacies that Satan brings to worm their way in.

Wisdom. It's not an either or. Its not risk or wisdom; this faith walking business is risk and wisdom as one.

Earning God's Approval

Ever since making the commitment to pursue this life as a Christ-follower, I have struggled excruciatingly with the undeniable anxiety that I am, without doubt, forever indebted to Christ for his saving grace on my life. 

While it is inevitable to be aware of our ashes, and perhaps a great thing to have a position of humility, I, nonetheless, made quite the mess of his free gift of grace.  And i am conceding that it was not humility at all, but that of pride that kept holding to the illusion that I could pay God back for his suffering and sacrifice on the cross. Lofty and dangerous misconception! And what a failure I kept succumbing too when all my efforts continuously demolished this towering and unachievable idea i had construed. This faulty belief nearly killed me. 

I went as far as withholding food from myself in order to punish myself for a random list of "Do's and Dont's" or "un-redeemables" that i had thought excluded me from God's grace and love; and in a learned response of self-harm, i used cutting as another means to punish myself.  And in the shame of both of those, I turned to alcohol and drugs. Obviously, I don't have to tell you that these methods didn't produce freedom but instead kept me locked up in an endless cycle of anxiety and depression. 

I was near hopeless that I was ever going to be usable to God. I was lying on the bathroom floor after over-dosing one night and I was ready to give up. I couldn't live with the pain anymore. I was a "Christian"...I was trying so hard to follow this Christ!! And this is where I ended up. Completely broken. Entirely helpless. Fully ready for an end to myself. And, therefore, ready to truly receive the wholeness of God.  

It took that far of a fall for me to say, "Alright, God, take over...I can't do this".  This surrendering-of-myself plea marked the first time i truly started to open my eyes to his kind of grace and love.  He saved me once again from myself.  And with tiny bits of knowledge and wisdom seeping in about who it is that I committed my life to, the desire and yearning for more was ablaze without ceasing.  And while i cannot say it was a next-day transformation, the refining fire and faithful persistence of my Father has opened my eyes to a never-ending amount of new hope and freedom, finally breathing life apart from self-punishment and substance abuse. Demolishing a corrupt belief system and laying a new foundation. A foundation able to withstand trials and pain...even perceived failure, in order to walk this life, with proven faith, strengthened and equipped with a more holistic and deeper knowing of my Savior--his character, his personality, his heart, his movements, the truths of his gospel, and the ability to accept his acceptance. 

Last week I was reading through the book of Romans and it was like this light just exploded in an illumination of the journey towards the "more of God" that i have been on.  While my thoughts were not so obviously wounded as before, I have often still caught myself struggling with the same concept of misbelief, "I have to earn God's approval", "I have to do big things for God in order to make him proud", "I have to make the right decisions so i don't screw up his plans".  A common theme of "I's" in there, right?! And like I had just received salvation, yet again, I was filled with the freeing revelation that it's not about me! There is nothing I can or can't do that will tear me away from God...if i fail to follow through with some big ministry idea...or if i hear him wrong on some decision...I will not and cannot fail him- He is too big for that!  It has never felt so good and joyous to die to myself. For in so doing, I have gained the more...i have gained life to the fullest, In Christ and through Christ, alone!

How often can my vision and focus become so muddy and derailed? You can know truth in your head, even claim belief, but faith only comes through encounters of experiencing Jesus in all reality. "To live is Christ". And the reality is, Christ lives within me. His promised Holy Spirit filling me without pause. And because of that incredible free gift of grace and unearned love, i have all that i need---to manage anxiety and depression and, well, life in this temporary home...the power of his transforming love at my fingertips...and indestructible freedom to live within my present inheritance as: Redeemed. Whole. Ransomed. Healed. Alive. Pardoned. Transformed. Forgiven...SAVED. 

For my chains have been broken...I've been set free

--For He is risen--

Forever indebted. Forever approved!

***And what cool timing in these reminder revelations, because i have been given the honor of giving testimony to the hope we have in God's saving grace, freedom and love!! I would sincerely appreciate and I even, request that you pray for this time of sharing with a group of women from Grace College on the 11th of April. 

Through The Eyes of a Father.

More of You, God, and less of me. This is my prayer that has turned my world upside down and continues to mix it up more than not. Be ready for battle, for change, for trials and transformation as result of prayers! It has been a challenging last couple months in which i have been given what i am learning to see as a privilege of getting an up close and personal look into the eyes of my Father, a perspective much needed and one that has opened up more of my King's character to me.

The Father heart of God. Justice and Mercy collide to deliver the most perfect covering of protection, that we could ever ask for.  Often we see a pendulum swing of a one-sided worldview of a God that can only show justice or the opposite of a God who should only be merciful. But in reality, one cannot exist without the other.  God is a master of knowing and discerning what is called for in every situation. And at the center of his verdict remains the constant of pure Love. I have been reminded through current injustice drama that I cannot operate as a follower of Love, without continuously rooting myself within him and in so doing, I have shocked myself in how he has led my to respond. If I based every decision and response to hatred or injustice on my own emotions or character flaws...emotion of anger has resulted in cussing back and throwing down my own blows and in the weakness of "me" i would have definitely fought back...physically. I'm a fighter...i don't back down! But now I'm a follower...and while i don't necessarily back down, i do learn how to fight in a different way. And it's because I can see in a different way.  Kingdom perspective! And thank you, Jesus, that i have family, friends and spiritual mentors walking faithfully beside me to remind me this!!!

The best and all we can do is to give him everything.  What brings more joy to the heart of God but for his children to hold reckless abandon in their hearts to love him with all that they hold? Meaning, humbling ourselves and dropping off our fight and our "way" to choose his ways.  So we continue to try...to listen and hear, to open our eyes and see, to open our mind and know...we try with everything that we have and within every situation, to walk to the heartbeat of our Father. In so doing, you can expect to see new layers of God's character revealed. Like a present waiting to be opened!

The crap of "life" becomes less personal and the battles unfold a spiritual realm that is warring over this world. Questions become less of "what am I going to do?" and more of "God, now what do we do?"...responses become less hasty of negative emotion and more goal directed towards advancing the Kingdom. Mind, Soul, Spirit.  Making room for God to rule--to direct and lead, to admonish and enlighten, to walk us through the fire and into miracles...opening our own blurry and tear-filled eyes to see through the eyes of our Father.