My First Love:

People not only can possibly fail us...they, frankly, will fail us. If you judge morality and the thousands of decisions you have to make within a given lifetime, according to human standards, then right and wrong becomes subjective. Truth becomes distorted. And God's best slips through our hands into the blurred lines of a world so prone to self-protection and the compulsion of doing whatever feels right or good according to him or herself. We take God out of the equation. We become the god of our lives, and our friends, mentors, family, lovers, become the voice and reason of the holy spirit. We base our faith on others, not God. While I hold, firmly, that all of the above persons should be voices that are capable of speaking into our lives, and directing us towards Truth...I believe that we too often stop our quest for truth short of THE TRUTH. The source of all that is good and righteous. We love something more than Love himself. We idolize. We spiritualize. We rationalize. We give our love and devotion short of who is truly deserving of it.

I will hold fast to my first Love. While so many others have failed me, I am constantly reminded that my Father has never, nor will never fail me. I am constantly reminded that my Lover has the whole of my heart because I have all of his. Yes, I wrote that right, he is my Lover...because our relationship is one of intimacy. He, seeing into all of who I am and I, learning how to see into all of who he is! And he is infinite. He will never come up short of showing us something new about himself on any given day. How cool is that?! How loved are we...that the Creator of this entire universe would long to reveal himself to us and have us reciprocate our pursuit of him. Over and over again...my Savior's personal rejection within his own life, paints a picture of such pure love, that all I can do is yearn for more of him. I am only held accountable to one. And he is who I will live for. He has my heart in his hands...my first love...always.

Keepin It Real

I'm quick to break it down for you my current situation in terms of "what's going on" around me...but i realized this week that its harder for me to let people know how those things are affecting me. It's a matter of admittance. I know what I think the appropriate "Christian" answer should be, but some of me is still struggling to get on board with that conclusion. It is even harder for me, I realized, to admit my struggling to God. In trying to be "good"...I was not being real with a Father that knows every depth of me anyway. Since leaving YWAM LA, I have encountered many obstacles that I, being an extreme idealist, did not expect lol. My car died...3 times. I am still unemployed after a month of being home. I am broke. My school loans and transcripts were frustrating beyond words. And while through much of my time here, I have honestly been very at peace knowing that I am where I should be...and more so than not, clinging to the faithfulness I now know that is my God, there are still times in which I become extremely discouraged. It has been in this discouragement that I have learned a very important aspect of God. He already knows...and He still loves me, and more than that, he desires me to be real with him in and through these darkest moments. That is a true friend. One that I can trust with ALL of me...good and not always so good! It was not until I admitted these feelings to God and hashed it all out with him, that I could stand even firmer on the truth of who he is and his promises. I don't have it all together, I don't think I ever will. And I kinda hope I don't, because then I would be missing that great need for a Lord that is so greater than myself. It is so refreshing to get real with God. And I'm sure it is even more refreshing to him.