While it is inevitable to be aware of our ashes, and perhaps a great thing to have a position of humility, I, nonetheless, made quite the mess of his free gift of grace. And i am conceding that it was not humility at all, but that of pride that kept holding to the illusion that I could pay God back for his suffering and sacrifice on the cross. Lofty and dangerous misconception! And what a failure I kept succumbing too when all my efforts continuously demolished this towering and unachievable idea i had construed. This faulty belief nearly killed me.
I went as far as withholding food from myself in order to punish myself for a random list of "Do's and Dont's" or "un-redeemables" that i had thought excluded me from God's grace and love; and in a learned response of self-harm, i used cutting as another means to punish myself. And in the shame of both of those, I turned to alcohol and drugs. Obviously, I don't have to tell you that these methods didn't produce freedom but instead kept me locked up in an endless cycle of anxiety and depression.
I was near hopeless that I was ever going to be usable to God. I was lying on the bathroom floor after over-dosing one night and I was ready to give up. I couldn't live with the pain anymore. I was a "Christian"...I was trying so hard to follow this Christ!! And this is where I ended up. Completely broken. Entirely helpless. Fully ready for an end to myself. And, therefore, ready to truly receive the wholeness of God.
It took that far of a fall for me to say, "Alright, God, take over...I can't do this". This surrendering-of-myself plea marked the first time i truly started to open my eyes to his kind of grace and love. He saved me once again from myself. And with tiny bits of knowledge and wisdom seeping in about who it is that I committed my life to, the desire and yearning for more was ablaze without ceasing. And while i cannot say it was a next-day transformation, the refining fire and faithful persistence of my Father has opened my eyes to a never-ending amount of new hope and freedom, finally breathing life apart from self-punishment and substance abuse. Demolishing a corrupt belief system and laying a new foundation. A foundation able to withstand trials and pain...even perceived failure, in order to walk this life, with proven faith, strengthened and equipped with a more holistic and deeper knowing of my Savior--his character, his personality, his heart, his movements, the truths of his gospel, and the ability to accept his acceptance.
Last week I was reading through the book of Romans and it was like this light just exploded in an illumination of the journey towards the "more of God" that i have been on. While my thoughts were not so obviously wounded as before, I have often still caught myself struggling with the same concept of misbelief, "I have to earn God's approval", "I have to do big things for God in order to make him proud", "I have to make the right decisions so i don't screw up his plans". A common theme of "I's" in there, right?! And like I had just received salvation, yet again, I was filled with the freeing revelation that it's not about me! There is nothing I can or can't do that will tear me away from God...if i fail to follow through with some big ministry idea...or if i hear him wrong on some decision...I will not and cannot fail him- He is too big for that! It has never felt so good and joyous to die to myself. For in so doing, I have gained the more...i have gained life to the fullest, In Christ and through Christ, alone!
How often can my vision and focus become so muddy and derailed? You can know truth in your head, even claim belief, but faith only comes through encounters of experiencing Jesus in all reality. "To live is Christ". And the reality is, Christ lives within me. His promised Holy Spirit filling me without pause. And because of that incredible free gift of grace and unearned love, i have all that i need---to manage anxiety and depression and, well, life in this temporary home...the power of his transforming love at my fingertips...and indestructible freedom to live within my present inheritance as: Redeemed. Whole. Ransomed. Healed. Alive. Pardoned. Transformed. Forgiven...SAVED.
For my chains have been broken...I've been set free
--For He is risen--
Forever indebted. Forever approved!
***And what cool timing in these reminder revelations, because i have been given the honor of giving testimony to the hope we have in God's saving grace, freedom and love!! I would sincerely appreciate and I even, request that you pray for this time of sharing with a group of women from Grace College on the 11th of April.
