What's poppin, everybody???!!! Its been a minute since my last update, thus, i gotta lot in my head right now and its rather scattered...so i'll try n write it all out in a way that it'll make sense!
First things first: School (...Of Ministry Development-SOMD) has finally started!!! We are done with our first week and it was extremely challenging, but God's hand was so evident as we pressed foward. So...thats where i'll start to break it all down for you:)...
Even before the school started, as well as a couple days into the start of the week...i had the feeling of complete disaster. I felt that i could do nothing right...some things were brought against me...some things i brought against myself in response, and basically i felt like a complete failure...like i had nothing to contribute. I was asking myself and God why i was even here. "Why, God, do you have me here when everything seems to be going wrong?!" That was my honest question-asking to the God of the universe:) I was feeling. And it wasn't good feelings...it was...well...painful!
So...first choice that was brought before me: Do i choose to do whats right even when everything feels so painful and uncomfortable? Do i choose to respond in love to hurt. Do i choose the deepening of my roots in Jesus instead of trying to sooth my own pain? Do i choose to relinquish my rights...no matter how uncomfortable it is---in order to die to myself so that i can live fuller in Christ? Choosing to respond in my identity as a daughter of God (In those truths and not believing the lies). Not easy questions...even harder answers! Because you know what the answer should be, right? It kinda sucks knowing the answer...because then you are responsible to act. And the core of my thinking rooted back to the same problem that i've had before...trust. Do i REALLY trust God with my feelings...and if i choose whats right...will God meet me? Do i really believe that i am who God claims that i am? And if so...that means i have to live and respond accordingly. If i cross that line of faith (and i'm talkin hard out faith---for me at least---faith=trusting when you can't see---trusting that God has my best...that he won't abandon me to do this alone...) Will it be worth the pain and will God be on the other side of that line? I seriously cannot say that i knew he would meet me if i chose to trust him...if i chose to act in responding in truth and turning to Him. But even though my fear of rejection and my fear to live in truth of who i am (contrary to what i often choose---deep down inside) was challenging me and making me hesitate, my fear of not advancing...of staying in my crap...and of missing out of knowing more of who my God is, dominated my selfish and self-preserving tendencies.
And guess what?! He met me in my choice to trust him lol. Who knew?! This God i serve really does back up his words that he writes to us within the Scriptures! What a doubter i am. And i prolly will face this basic decision many many more times throughout this faith journey...but...thats just it; i know now that i, one: have the option of choice, and two: my God is for me. This is the e-mail i received from my big sis the morning after i chose to move forward in faith (and she didn't know anything of what i was feeling bc we hadn't talked!): "Kat, God has preserved your life for such a time as this! You are exactly where God wants you to be. Don't be discouraged; don't allow the enemy to allow you to be disheartened. Stand your ground against his attacks. know the Lord ahs called your name, has presered you and IS USING you greatly for His Kingdom." haha...just one more of the rewards i received from God!
God is faithfully bringing me to the end of myself, and will hopefully continue to do so the rest of my life. It is painfully uncomfortable, but it is totally worth it. Instead of functioning on what i know...or believing lies...or having all the answers...or responding out of fears...i know that there is a better way. Its funny how God shows up when we step out of the way. How much truth he has imparted to me when i feel like i know nothing.
Growing up in God is not comfortable! There will be sacrifice. And there will be times when God asks us to do things that are going to seem so hard for us, but he WILL give us the grace to get through it and he WILL show us the reward when we choose HIM. Truth was not intended to be merely absorbed...but experienced. We need to assimilate the Christ that we read about and memorize his words within Scriptures...but while Encountering Christ, Scripture, and Truth...versus Recounting. We have the choice and there is power within that choice---power to deepen the roots of our entire foundation of faith.
