Eyes Wide Open

It was a morning just like any other. And as I merged onto the highway, still trying to force my eyes out of their sleep, I was reminded that no day is like any other when you are living for the King. It was exquisite. Perfectly painted and displayed like a showcase of the finest art, almost as if to say, "look what I made for you". You gotta understand, I'm not exactly a morning person, and sunrises are usually passed by in a zoned-out state of sub-conscious exhaustion. But this one...this one made me smile, laugh even. A perfectly drawn line appearing as a horizon, separating a half risen sun from a deep blue sky of oceanic proportion. I felt like I was back in California, driving on the 1...gazing over the ocean. Just when I was missing Cali so much, God paints me a picture reminding me that he is personal. That he loves me just that much. Extravagant Love, knowing no bounds.

He is jealous of our love, because it is a personal love. And as I examine my life, my "story", I have to marvel at his personal appearance throughout it all. A never-ending, continual pursuit of my heart. For that is what this life is about. It was just the night before, that I was crying out his Name, seeking comfort amidst the pain of this life. And I surprised myself, calling him Daddy. Now i've tried this name out before with him, trying to understand what this exactly meant, trying to grasp the meaning of this concept. I wanted to learn, but I was far from feeling a half of its truth. It was forced...sound intention, but still forced. This time was different. I was crying from my heart to my Daddy. And I realized that even in such terrible pain and agony, the beautiful love of God pours forth into my story. I think...that maybe it is in those times that we reach the end of ourselves, that we are in better position to reach out. To soften our distrusting hearts and pursue him back. As we turn around and take a look back on our stories, don't diminish or deny those times of excruciating pain. It is in those times, that you will see God's pursuit of you all that much clearer. He is so beautiful. Don't forget to look back, it is what propels us forward.

The Greatest Of These Is Love

I love justice. Those of you that truly know me are prolly echoing in agreement. You see, it is justice that drives the innermost passions of my soul. God speaks highly of righteous justice, and I believe his holy justice is so near to his heart. But it's not the bulls eye center. That belongs to Love. Justice is a whole lot easier for me to grasp, than its relative, love. I have only recently been learning about this love thing and all it entails. Love is the greatest, because it is God's essence. It is also the hardest, for this reason. It requires much more out of us...or, at least it does, me. Strength to forgive, like I've never known. Do you know how difficult it is to forgive, IN LOVE, someone who has betrayed you to your very core? I find that it's a daily process, wherein, one day it comes with ease, and the very next day it takes all that I have and more...it takes Jesus. The price is death. Death to ourselves...those human and sinful tendencies to protect yourself and preserve your heart from hurt. A call for total surrender of self, pride, control, safety as we know it...an action of serious humility. Love. Beckoning our hate to be laid at the feet of Jesus and be picked back up with its transformation to grace. I haven't been able to do this in my power...I think that's the point. We live this life with two options...to live it in our own power, while declaring Jesus but not actually fully opening the door to his redemptive work; or...we bust the door open, choosing, everyday, to welcome him in. Which of these two choices will result in true change? We desire this Love Movement to spread across the world. Let us be the first to respond, to ignite the movement within our own hearts. To choose Love, even when it hurts.

Modern-Day Love

We live in a world of love stories. Everywhere we go, we are bombarded with what "love" means: Flipping through a magazine, watching the newest Hollywood film, turning on the radio, combing the clothing rack in the mall...Love exists! But what is the quality of this love that envelops our everyday? Most of this "love" is clothed in lies, lies that have been instilled in us since entering this life. In actuality, it is often the furthest thing from love. It is lust, dominion, self-protection, self-acquiring of needs, it is tainted with sin...with us. It is not what unbelievers are looking for, because it is nothing new. If we cannot love one another as fellow believers, the way God sees love, how are we to love unbelievers? How are we to love our enemies? How are we to wake up a world to truth? Satan has used forms of "love" to destroy. Relationships, friendships, families...not just between one another...but also between us and God. For if we do not fully understand love, then we are missing who God truly is; for He IS Love.

I was recently reminded of a passage I once read daily: Psalm 139. God prompted me to redeem the message through these verses because it had become words that were full of brokenness and hurt. He reminded me that the truth in those words were still true, because they were always HIS words. God is the author of love, so why do we so often look outside of his truth to gain understanding of this love? We end up confused, disoriented, hurt, and unable to deliver truth to others in it's wholeness.

Hosea had it right on. Or, rather, God through Hosea. What a privilege to be used by God as a vessel for portraying to the world what Love really looked like! That Hosea would continue to purely love someone who would regularly betray him. That Jesus loves us purely, as we continually mess up...he loved us, while we were at our worst. That place in which all of us can look back upon and think, he really loved me then? Yes. He Loved. He loved without lust, without dominion or power, without self-protection and without the purpose of fulfilling his own needs. This is how we are to love. This is the kind of Love that we need to be displaying to the world that we live in. Let us peel back the cultural graffiti of lies that have distorted Truth.

Kingdom Politics

1 President, 535 members of Congress, 100 Senators, 2 mainstream political affiliations. These numbers seem to control more than politics...they seem to have reached their control and power to the very heart of the American citizen. We attribute all of this country's problems to the core of Washington, while believing, that the everyday American, has lost all influence...we are sheep that are blindly led to the slaughter. We cannot influence our surroundings, our cities, let alone our country. And we continue to walk in this self and nation-defeating lie.

It's funny, I battle the same war with the students that I counsel throughout the day. They have this mentality of survival, no hope of influencing their lives to any ounce of improvement. Our mindsets are caged and shackled. Those above numbers represented within our government, while holding much power in their hands, hardly come to a fraction of the entire United States. Imagine if we were actually United. Imagine what kind of power and influence we could conjure. What if we brought that influence and unity into the realm of faith. Can you imagine? I can. I see a nation where churches weren't concerned about owning their "turf" of a congregation or denomination...where social justice causes were the reason for DC marches and stand outs...where we, as Christ's followers, took care of one another...reaching our range of influence from state to state...across borders of nationality and race, creed or color. United for the common goal of living past mere survival...living to influence.

How can I get up each day if I believe I can't make a difference? This nation's sickness goes deeper than D.C., it goes to the core of beliefs of every individual who walks these streets of life. We must change our mindset first. Change is only possible from the inside out. We, the everyday American, are the inside. We have the power to influence. And, I dare say, As followers of Christ, we have the responsibility to choose such influence.

Identification

So many times we are quick to point fingers, to label the sin and the sinners it belongs to. We feel the need to make it clear to God that we weren't "apart of this or that sin", as if God doesn't know and see everything already. God is both Justice and Love. We don't have to sway him to know truth. Maybe we should consider the opposite approach; a concept of identification that the old time prophets, Ezra and Nehemiah, so graciously walked out. Identifying with the sin of others. Replacing the "you's" with "we's", lifting others' sin upon our own shoulders...walking beside, sharing the burden...Identification. Implying that we are so moved to the grievance of sin, and it's consequences of bondage upon God's people, that we enter the muddy waters, grab hold of the sin in our own hands, and cry to God on behalf of his children. What if America's leaders were to identify with the national sins that this country has committed, both throughout history and as we speak? What if leaders, today, were to attach sin to their name so as to ask for forgiveness? I keep getting this image of Jesus, stretched out...wreathing in pain with all of the sin of the world to his name. He took responsibility for our sin. He identified in order to bring grace and freedom. A leader leads out in taking responsibility for the actions of his/her team...their people. Let us follow in leading out as imitators of this most humble and gracious, Jesus, who in his identification of our sin, became our Savior.

God Wins.

I get a lil bit defensive of my God when I hear people giving undeserved and disillusioned power to the opposing team, Satan and his army. Yes, believe me, I am prolly, more so than most, aware of the powerful spiritual battle that takes place all around us...and within us, even; but I also believe that we take away from God's supreme power and the freedom of choice that he has so lovingly given us, when we blame Satan and his crew for every bad thing; or when we sign his name to something he cannot take credit for.

Yes, Satan has influence...but his power comes only through what we allow him to hold over us. Christ has already claimed and proven his victory over evil. God has already won. He has supreme power and as his children, we have complete access to this victorious living. And we have the power of choice. Stating that you need to live in fear of evil spirits attaching to you does not line up with God's truth. Evil has no authority over us. We have authority in Christ. We give Satan his ammunition, WE give him his access to our thoughts...our beliefs...WE give him as much influence as he has. And we open that influence wide when we choose to believe his power reigns without our consent.

This is why it is so vital to take every thought captive. Test for truth. Battle for Truth. Because Truth has already overcome. God has already won. And through His victory, he has enabled us to be victorious as well.

Color, Outside The Lines

I've known for a long time, now, that I'm different...that I'm not exactly what you'd label as "mainstream normal". When I was 5 years old I remember laying in bed half the night pondering the intricacies of societal injustices and ways to combat their existence. I also was aware enough to recognize that most 5 year old's most likely did not fall asleep to the same thoughts. It's a few years later, and I haven't changed in this way...I've only added to my processing and visionary mindset.

What I have changed, is my view of myself. Where I was considered myself to be "weird" and attempted to smooth myself out into more of a "normal pattern"...I now embrace my differences as uniquely God-given. I have had a lot of people, even friends exhort me into being more "rational"...more "practical"...more, of what they were. Much criticism comes when people don't understand or feel threatened...when their box is pushed into a different shape or the thought itself threatens to dent their perfection that they have created for themselves and hold as truth. But I am not here to please man. I am living this life out in order to please only One. And for my God, I will live what he created and intended me to be...how he formed me to think...to see this world...to pursue the passions only He has so permanently burned on my heart.

I will follow him...his form and pattern...because in this plan, alone, is where I will find him in abundance and be filled with his all for my life. It is in this obedience, where he will be most glorified, through my life. For he intended the color to spill out over the "lines" when he made me...and I'm okay with that.

Photojournalism 4 Justice

My passions are finally coming together...

Vision:

To travel the world, joining forces with local organizations that are fighting human trafficking and other injustices, through photojournalism. The vision is to capture the injustices that plague nations in order to tell people's stories and raise awareness through photography and journalism. The integration of social work...I wish to, then, focus efforts in enhancing communities and providing job skills through photography and writing in order to decrease poverty and subsequent human trafficking or forced prostitution. The vision is to teach these skills not only to those in need, but also community leaders, churches, etc., in order to empower communities from within. Injustice needs a face. Human trafficking victims and survivors need a face. And America needs to see and hear. That is the vision. These are my goals.

Logistics:

I am opening this vision up to anyone who has similar visions and passions, to join me...if not in the field or traveling to the desolation, then, perhaps through donations. I am wishing to collect digital cameras...old, new...just have to be digital so that I can transfer the pictures that people take and place them on the computer (website) or print them from the computer to be sold. Pencils and pens...so that they can write out their stories, which is also very therapeutic. Notebooks/paper...to write in.....camcorders that you don't use anymore! I am working on saving for and buying my own camera accessories, so if you have any lenses, etc., that you are looking to sell...hook me up with the info! (Anything that is compatible with a Canon DSL) Also...I welcome any ideas that you may have that could better serve this mission, not only in preparation, but also in implementation.

Time-Frame:

Obviously...this is more of a long term vision/goal. I am currently thinking about embarking on this vision from a year from now. However, this will require a lot of planning and provision, so the faster I can collect the supplies that I need, the faster I can focus on the other details and connect with various organizations with a solid plan and materials in place.

Please consider partnering with me in this vision in order to combat the injustices that plague every nation of this world.

Survivor Set Free

God has been blowing my mind the last couple days. New revelations...new freedom...a continued new life that seems a daily progression of downloaded Truth gifts.

Who am I? Where I once would answer that "I'm a survivor"...I now have had my eyes open to a whole new revelation of who I am. In Christ. I am His. Where I once would take pride in being a survivor...I now have been made aware of the identity that I have placed in this label...and consequent maladaptive thinking attached and rooted within this identity. And it falls outside the realm of abundant living...it falls outside of my true identity as a daughter and servant of Christ. And for these reasons...I am moved to change. For I want nothing less than everything I can attain in Christ and for Christ. I do not want "me" negatively influencing others...bringing my defenses, and my self-preservation into ministry, affecting others in a way that does not bring the most glory to God's kingdom. I have seen it happen with others I've worked with in ministry; and I myself, at times, have responded the same. It is not pretty. It is not glorifying. It is actually counter-productive. God deserves better. Those around us deserve better...and we deserve better, ourselves. We deserve abundant life...well, actually i'm not sure if we "deserve" it...but God offers it unconditionally, and for that reason, we should pursue it! Why should we feel entitled to living as a victim...a survivor...anything that is not completely God-centered?

With the idea of survival comes many unGodly concepts that I have seen in myself: self-protection, untrusting, dependence on self, identification with brokenness, pursuing acceptance from others vs God, and I could prolly sit here and think of many more...but you get the point. My foundation of identity has not been fully centered in the truth of who God claims I am, as his. Because...I have been holding onto the idea that being a survivor is just who I am...I have not been taking hold of my whole inheritance...I have not been taking full responsibility of transforming the whole of my mind to line up accordingly to how Jesus sees me and who he calls me to be. This has only occurred to me within the last couple days and I'm not sure if I even realized that I was living with this discrepancy of beliefs in identity until now. This new revelation has been so freeing!!!!! I have seen God in a whole new light. Why he offers us stubborn people such grace-filled abundant living is beyond any words. I am blown away by being his. I am in awe and in love with a God I am obviously still learning so much about.

I don't have to self-protect...because God protects me. I don't have to distrust...because my trust is placed wholly in a God who never fails me...never disappoints...never abandons, rejects, disowns, never takes his love away. I don't have to depend on myself...my dependence is rooted in God. When he says he has my back...he means it. When he says he is proud of me...he doesn't take it back. I choose to identify, not with brokenness (although, lets face it, we all are)...but I choose to claim my inheritance of a restored and set free mentality. I don't need acceptance from others...I have a Father who accepts me...all of me. In pursuing such a foundation of identity that is rooted in Christ, satan is no longer able to work with unresolved roots of beliefs attached to holding merely a survivor identity. And the process of living this life in abundance of Christ is made even more a reality. You see life clearer...people's rejection, problems, conflict...they are brought into a light in which you can proceed objectively and with a better reflection of Christ's love versus our own defenses being at work. I think it's called freedom. And i'm feelin that! I know I have a lot more to learn...but thanks to all of those who have stood by me through my learning process! Let us continue to pursue all of who Christ is and all of who we are...as his.

My First Love:

People not only can possibly fail us...they, frankly, will fail us. If you judge morality and the thousands of decisions you have to make within a given lifetime, according to human standards, then right and wrong becomes subjective. Truth becomes distorted. And God's best slips through our hands into the blurred lines of a world so prone to self-protection and the compulsion of doing whatever feels right or good according to him or herself. We take God out of the equation. We become the god of our lives, and our friends, mentors, family, lovers, become the voice and reason of the holy spirit. We base our faith on others, not God. While I hold, firmly, that all of the above persons should be voices that are capable of speaking into our lives, and directing us towards Truth...I believe that we too often stop our quest for truth short of THE TRUTH. The source of all that is good and righteous. We love something more than Love himself. We idolize. We spiritualize. We rationalize. We give our love and devotion short of who is truly deserving of it.

I will hold fast to my first Love. While so many others have failed me, I am constantly reminded that my Father has never, nor will never fail me. I am constantly reminded that my Lover has the whole of my heart because I have all of his. Yes, I wrote that right, he is my Lover...because our relationship is one of intimacy. He, seeing into all of who I am and I, learning how to see into all of who he is! And he is infinite. He will never come up short of showing us something new about himself on any given day. How cool is that?! How loved are we...that the Creator of this entire universe would long to reveal himself to us and have us reciprocate our pursuit of him. Over and over again...my Savior's personal rejection within his own life, paints a picture of such pure love, that all I can do is yearn for more of him. I am only held accountable to one. And he is who I will live for. He has my heart in his hands...my first love...always.

Keepin It Real

I'm quick to break it down for you my current situation in terms of "what's going on" around me...but i realized this week that its harder for me to let people know how those things are affecting me. It's a matter of admittance. I know what I think the appropriate "Christian" answer should be, but some of me is still struggling to get on board with that conclusion. It is even harder for me, I realized, to admit my struggling to God. In trying to be "good"...I was not being real with a Father that knows every depth of me anyway. Since leaving YWAM LA, I have encountered many obstacles that I, being an extreme idealist, did not expect lol. My car died...3 times. I am still unemployed after a month of being home. I am broke. My school loans and transcripts were frustrating beyond words. And while through much of my time here, I have honestly been very at peace knowing that I am where I should be...and more so than not, clinging to the faithfulness I now know that is my God, there are still times in which I become extremely discouraged. It has been in this discouragement that I have learned a very important aspect of God. He already knows...and He still loves me, and more than that, he desires me to be real with him in and through these darkest moments. That is a true friend. One that I can trust with ALL of me...good and not always so good! It was not until I admitted these feelings to God and hashed it all out with him, that I could stand even firmer on the truth of who he is and his promises. I don't have it all together, I don't think I ever will. And I kinda hope I don't, because then I would be missing that great need for a Lord that is so greater than myself. It is so refreshing to get real with God. And I'm sure it is even more refreshing to him.

"Church", The Bride of Christ: A True Heart Reflection??

The American church today. Can we really see Christ's heart in it's reflection? The church is stated as being "The bride of Christ"...the importance of the church, therefore, is obviously implied as acting as the cornerstone of Christ's love. But, in analyzing the American church today, I believe it falls short of representing Christ's heart...not exactly capitalizing on the depths of his love. Today, we have more churches located throughout the United States than ever before, but we have a matching increase in crime, drugs, orphans, gangs...etc. We don't have to do too much analyzing to realize that the church is not making much of an impact within these areas of society.

The majority of churches that I have witnessed have "church" within the walls of their own buildings...love not exactly reaching much past the doorsteps, let alone to the brokenhearted, orphans, or widows. okay...i get it! We want our lil planned out, safe, comfortable n convenient lives, right? Let's keep church to Sundays...our faith to the pews...and our relationship a religion? Isn't that how it works? Then we don't have to get our hands messy. We don't have to enter into the fight of this world. We can keep a clean look and act like we're interested in social justice by sporting a t-shirt or spending a week on a church outreach to a disadvantaged country. We can talk amongst ourselves bout that crazy love of Christ...grow a lil bit, but only to the extent where it doesn't put a jolt in our lifestyle. This is the church of today. This is what i see, at least, and i betchu that it is the same view of most people that look in on our lil feel-good social gatherings with a scowl. And a no doubt why they do!!! Come on! A bunch of hypocritical business if you ask me...i'ma just keep it real on this beat right here. We're missin it, church. We're missin that crazy love of acting as representatives of the Bride of Christ. And America is feelin it. The war is waging outside our built up walls and we are satisfied to sit it all out on the sidelines. I could be wrong, but i don't think this is what God had in mind when he called us forth as his bride...when he promised us all the gifts of his Spirit...and more miracles than even Jesus, himself, performed. Our faith should be ever-changing...dynamic...abounding in acts of love to those outside those white walls.

Let's start to get a lil messy. Let's open our eyes to the war waging around us and take up our swords. How are we reaching out to the orphans and widows...how exactly are we being challenged...where are we feeling uncomfortable? If we aren't...something is very wrong. If we are satisfied...we are in trouble. Small groups spurring one another on in the faith is great...but for what? So that our now strong faith sits within our own hearts? Not to be shared with another within our own communities? I was watching the news the other night and it was stating that the number one reason that girls get caught up in forced prostitution and human trafficking is due to homelessness...aka...they are orphaned. What are we doing about it? Or are we waiting for the government to do something? The criminal justice system that is so known for perfection to act on this growing epidemic? nah...this is a church issue...this is an open door for us to reveal God's love!!!! Where we at?? With as many church members that there are today, we could be adopting these kids...we could be displaying one of the biggest examples of Christ's love to the rest of the world with our actions...but nah...we don't move. It'll cram our style. Our regularly programmed tv shows might get interrupted. And we keep going with a group think type of dilemma..."somebody else will handle it". In my opinion, we are trippin in the satisfaction of our comfortable lives n missing Christ's heart for the church today. Let's start to enter the messiness of what this faith should be.

Entering the Fight

This past week I was privileged to spend time at the beautiful YWAM Tijuana base in Mexico. During this time I was able to go with a team into Zona Norte, or The Red Light District. Here, my eyes were opened to a glimpse of the spiritual battle that wars within the streets. The feelings and sensations that I encountered in this place were anything but ordinary: A stand against the Devil himself. One of the most chilling prayer walks I have ever been a part of, witnessing a battle that is constantly before us, but one that we rarely realize is being waged.

As I walked down the streets of Zona Norte, I passed hundreds of faces that showed little sign of life: deadened eyes, blind and deceived hearts, creations of God taken hostage by evil. I passed alleys selling dope to anyone that passed, dirty needles blanketing window sills and lying on the open streets amidst the trash, girls lining the streets, being sold left and right like animals. I saw evil at its best.

I heard babies screaming for help within one of the most evil places I have ever laid eyes on, a bar/hotel named, Purple Rain. I felt such a presence of evil here that my body felt compelled to throw up. Such darkness. such hate. such devastation. And I heard Satan laughing. I turned behind me to look to see who was making the sound, but as I shuddered, I realized it was not human. There was nothing humane about this place. There was no sign of Life.

While debriefing we learned that Purple Rain is known for the darkness of what goes on within its seclusion and barred doors. We learned of Black Market practices, such as, the selling of organ, babies and children, human trafficking, and more I will not even mention. It stands proudly in the streets of Tijuana--a black figure of the evil that runs so rampant and so blatantly. Satan was mocking us, he was challenging us as the Light represented, to fight back.

Yes, God cares. Yes, the spiritual battle has been underway, and yes, Jesus stands with every innocent child, man and woman that are being unjustly victimized; but he desires our help. We ask ourselves, why does God choose to let people brutalize one another? He asks us, why do we? It takes five police cars to respond to a crime scene because any less and all the police officers will be murdered. This is the extent of the grip that evil holds here. It is no wonder that Christians are afraid to enter into the madness. But it is our duty to enter. It is our duty to fight. Jesus lost his life for the sake of the Gospel...why should we expect any different for ourselves?

And TJ is not the only city where this level of demonic stronghold has taken root! This is not the only place where Christians are afraid to enter. Human trafficking affects 30 million people and every nation, even infecting our own backyards. Let us join in praying, interceding and even, if God-willing, entering into, for the city of TJ and the Red Light District.  In so doing, we are able to proclaim Christ's glory throughout the city streets, God's power over the darkness, and the freedom that redemption brings with the name of Jesus. Let us enter into the fight that is already being waged before our eyes.

A New Chapter

Yes, the above city is indeed Indianapolis...and yes, that means I am coming home! Within the last several months I have been talking with God about the possibility of leaving YWAM LA and embracing the next adventure that He has for me. Recently, God has made it very clear to me (as I understand) that he is, indeed, releasing me from YWAM Los Angeles. This is a much prayed about decision and will be extremely difficult considering that YWAM LA has become family to me over the past 2 years. This community has embraced me as their own and much of my spiritual foundation has been built here. And while it remains an incredible place to grow, I do not want to miss God’s best for me by choosing not to leave and follow Him.

Therefore, I will be moving back to Indianapolis to live with my sister and work. I am hoping to find a position within my field. I feel as though it is a vital time for me to be paying off school loans as well as saving. I do not know what the future holds, but I am up to letting God continue to write the book...one chapter at a time.

I also have some visionary ideas for my time in Indianapolis...shocker, i know! To everyone who has supported me in my LA adventures...please know how grateful I am to you for your love, encouragement and generosity. You made it possible for me to learn such incredible truth...for my eyes to be revealed to so much more of Christ...for God’s light to be shown to others...You have partnered with me in bringing God’s kingdom to earth, to the starving city of Los Angeles, and to the target nations that we have ministered to.

As I look back on the journey, I realize that I have blogged or talked about various visions that I did not end up embarking upon. I apologize for taking you along on the rollercoaster of ideas that flow through my mind on a constant basis! This is why it takes me a minute to make decisions because I want to make sure that I am following God’s lead and not my own! Believe it or not...there are actually many more of my personality types out here in California...lol...especially within YWAM! Thank you for your grace and patience as you travel with me.

I Need Your Help!!!

I am expecting the transition to be a bit difficult for me at first. Transitions involve a loss within the gain. I will have to say goodbye to family and community life as I’ve known it for the past 2 years. However, I am also re-entering a community in which I still have known support, and an incredible spiritual family as well! another difficulty within this transition will be finances. I am pretty low on finances and actually will owe YWAM LA approximately $500 due to falling behind in financial support within the last few months. So I could definitely use help getting on track, financially, during this transition. In addition, I need to be covered in prayer support. It is vital for me to receive support in this area because I know that with every decision I make to follow in obedience of Christ, I can guarantee spiritual opposition and battles. If you would like to send a check you can make it out to Kate Hunt and send to:

9107 Bryant Lane Apt. 3B

Indianapolis, IN 46250

Victor vs Victim

Living...past the trauma...living abundantly and truly whole, requires mental transformation. From a "secular counseling" approach, the therapeutic working model would be Trauma-Focused Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy; but it is humorously and significantly parallel to fundamental "Christian training" that involves allowing Christ to transform the whole of who you are...Spiritually, mentally and emotionally. It includes spending focus on those trauma areas...the resulting faulty thinking that, in turn, damages our emotions and ultimately influences our behaviors. The holistic transformation that encompasses every area of living. The same principals that guide us into deeper relationship with God also serve as the best evidence approach chosen by worldly therapists in order to see the most healing and progress in a given individual. Psychology, or the study of the human psyche, is not incongruous with the study of following and living as Christ.

I think that too often, as Christians, however, we spend so much energy focusing on the religiosity spirit of growth that we miss a whole other dynamic and level of healing that involves the mind and heart. We can regurgitate truths, but do those same truths truly abide deeply within us? Not merely within our actions but within our thinking and feeling as well? Are we really taking captive all of the incongruities that plague or thoughts and emotions? This requires a lot more work! Much more time feeding our minds with truths...weeding through the lies that affect and show themselves through our emotions and behaviors...it requires God---at all times. It deepens intimacy with him in our 'working out of our salvation' alongside him instead of merely for him.

The number one struggle that I've seen play out in the Christian circle of trauma survivors, specifically, is the "Victor vs Victim" mental battle. Christ proclaims us as victorious in and through him. I think the problem is that we stop at the "In Christ" and do not integrate the "Through Christ". In other words...we study God...we learn everything about him and his character and how he works...how we can interact with him even, but we don't learn about ourselves in regards to our identity in him. We don't take Christ to those areas of our hurt thinking and emotions and let him walk us through...through to a new mentality, a new way of thinking and feeling. We say, either consciously or subconsciously that we are not worth knowing because we are victims, not victorious children of God. We cheapen God's redemptive power and by limiting ourselves through selfishness and not choosing to see who we are through the eyes of Jesus, we limit the all of God. If we don't even know ourselves then how do we expect God to do a thorough work in those given areas? If we remain blind to specific problem areas, then we are not opening that door to the work of the Holy Spirit. We remain in a victim mindset of endless helplessness, faulty thinking, and poor coping strategies...we remain living without the more. What a disappointment life must become within the Christian heart...trying to work towards freedom and known inheritance, but continually failing because we are being led through ourselves instead of Christ. I think it is why some people end up falling away from Christ, for the reason of not being able to achieve the victory that Christ proclaims is available.

The victim mentality. It is naturally self-defeating as well as others defeating. We expect ourselves to fail and we surely expect others to fail us. Do you see a theme in that sentence? Ourselves and Us. Us---alone---not Us with God. We get trapped in an egotistical mindset of US...everything is about me and everything about me is bad...a very exaggerated selfishness that sets us up for eventual failure. God is not the one failing us...WE are failing OURSELVES!! We are refusing to allow Christ into our failing mindsets, paradigms, emotions, and subsequent behaviors. We walk with the name Christian but are missing Christ in the equation as well as his best intentions for our lives.

Jesus longs to restore...think how it must grieve him when we choose to remain broken. I have heard such negative church or Christian opinion in regards to the secular "self-help" material available in stores. I dare to challenge the foundation of their thesis...that if we would just focus on God instead of ourselves all of our problems would just go away. I don't agree. My theory is this: Our focus on God includes receiving revelation about ourselves. For this is the concept of relationship, right? Does God not desire to know us? But he already really does...so really he is wanting us to show ourselves to him! Does that make sense? He wants such a deep intimacy with us that he desires that we bring ALL of who we are to him....this, in turn, allows the ability for us to address US IN AND THROUGH CHRIST so that we can live out our purposed identities. Our identity becomes Christ rooted instead of Us rooted. In other words...we embrace victory. We are transformed through Christ from victims to victors.

A grace that breaks all the rules

Grace. Once you think you got it all figured out, you just may find that you are blown away again by the power of this grace that's called a gift. I've had more than my share of moments when I've needed that grace, so i should be used to how it feels--I should be aware of all the complexities of this thing. Truth is...It still blows me away. And while I've definitely seen the cores of grace played out in the hearts of those around me, I was still reluctant to expect the same from God. lol. The source of it all. I was leery that this same grace could be found from the very God that enabled the hearts of those in which i saw it play out. I'm too stubborn for my own good.

I realized that it isn't possible to understand the fullness of God's love for us if we don't realize the brevity of his grace. This is what the world tells us: we screw up...we get punished. We get punished based on the extent of our screw up. And love...or a withholding thereof is congruent with the basis of our ups and downs. So...if I'm to screw up, I am conditioned to ask how bad the punishment is going to be. And while there are always inevitable consequences that come with any action...sometimes there is no punishment...only this thing called grace.

It messes my head up. It's almost like I wish that I could just be punished instead...because it is easier for me to accept. A full out pardon? No punishment? That's grace. Grace is love. It is hard to accept because it says: you are loved...not for what you do but for who you are. Don't get me wrong...appropriate punishment can also say that you're loved and often the situation will call for the latter...but it is grace that I can't always get my head around. I have to force myself to accept it...to refuse to give in to the conditioned response to punish my own self. It is extremely humbling. I'm not even sure why it is so humbling but it is. It's like I'm choosing to say: God, you know better than I do, so I'm gunna play by your rules and not my own. It is accepting that I am capable of being loved, even if i feel or know that I am not deserving of that love. Its replacing me with more of God.

when we recognize the depravity of our sin, or our inability to be perfect, then we are able to shed light on our desperate need for the grace and love of Jesus Christ. In response, we learn humility...we learn more about ourselves...and more of who the God is that we serve. We gain more insight into our inheritance. An inheritance that goes against all the rules of this world. Salvation. Being saved from ourselves. An unearned extension of priceless love, from the Father of Love to his beloved.

walking by faith, not by feelings:

I'm ashamed to admit that my joy is often rooted in purpose, more so than my Savior. I find that when i feel that i am off of the vision of where i want to be that i face a battle with depression. And a battle of walking out life in faith to the promises of God's word rather than how i feel. God has blessed me with a lot of vision and dreams...its a gift, but my weakness plays in with the impulsiveness of feeling deeply...one's normal "down" is my deep depression. While the normal "ups" are also exuberant highs...i have to remember why it is that i live: and that is to glorify God in all that i am and with all that i do...with every feeling.

I see. I see every face that is oppressed...every face that is crying out for hope...i see the pain of this fallen world. I hear. I hear the cries of the innocent...i hear the agony of the joyless and the anger of those living in bitterness. And i feel. I feel the anxiety of a world in such need...the fear that threatens to spill over without control...the tears that fall from so many faces of injustice. I feel so deeply, and yet i can do nothing...apart from God. He IS the Author of Redemption. He specializes in bringing forth beauty from the ashes. And i so often forget that in glorifying him first, redemption will indeed spill over to these dark places. It is in our own personal glorification of Jesus that the strongholds of satan's grip will be loosened and the hope that our Savior holds is capable of highlighting truth within hardened hearts. We have no power apart from Christ to change hearts...to redeem the sin of this world. We must look first to God...not our sense of purpose, our visions and dreams...not our feelings or emotions. It is in God, alone, that this world will find answers. It is in him, alone, that we will truly be free. Thank you God for your gift of redemption. For your saving grace in your power alone.

Redirecting

I had a redirecting of my thoughts tonight. I often think this game of life is about how well you survive. How perceptive you are at understanding people for the means of lessening your chances of being hurt. How discerning you are with who you trust and when and with how much you trust and entrust to them.

I play this game...used to be without knowing it...but I've been very aware of it recently. Slight hitch to my theory...the root is survival, and God desires so much more for us than merely surviving...he desires that we live a life of abundance. That abundance comes when we choose to switch our focus off of ourselves and onto our Redeemer. It's scary to give that up. But if we knew better who we were giving that over to, perhaps it wouldn't be quite as terrifying. Truth is...people are going to hurt you, they will fail you, and life will throw its worst at you at given times. But now I'm thinkin the only way to truly survive is to live in abundance...and that comes when we focus on bringing glory to our God. Holding fast to his promises during those times of immense darkness...when even our best efforts of ensuring safety have failed us. It is He who strengthens and comforts...it is through our tightened grip on his character and his promises that we are able to withstand...not only withstand but grow beyond measure. This is where redemption is able to bloom and envelop all past wrongs. This is where Jesus has clearance to clean out those hidden rooms and build beauty from ashes. When we let go...we let healing set its course. When we are able to stop glancing around in fear and suspicion, we will be able to focus our gaze on The Author of Redemption, and watch him do his thing:)

Maybe God's been trying to get me to understand this concept for a minute now...prolly:) Maybe...well, maybe if we are focusing our lives around Christ and his glory versus ourselves and our safety...we won't come to as many pitch black moments. And when those moments are still our reality...we will be more confident of his hand within ours because we are that much more aware of the truths of his character...the truths within his promises. We are confident enough in who we are in Christ that we don't operate so much in fear of people...we are able to live in enhanced freedom of who it is that we really are...what it is that we are really thinking and feeling...because God's love consumes us. We don't need people's acceptance as much because we have our Creator's acceptance and love. Our hope becomes greater than our fear. So...for anyone else who is as slow as me in remembering this, the game of life is about our God! We live...abundantly...to bring HIM glory. The end.

shattering the masks:

Freedom living. It does not come without a price. The price requires trust...trusting in God over trusting yourself. It requires humility...admitting that we don't have all the answers...that we aren't always all-self-sufficient....admitting that we need. That we need to love and need to be loved. admitting that we hurt...that others hurt us, that we can't always protect our hearts...that we aren't always bullet-proof. It means, basically...that we rip off the masks and start being real. Being truthful with ourselves and with others. Now, i'll have to warn you...this also requires something called vulnerability and genuine living! And if you are a real leader...a truly strong leader...you will take the lead in this type of living.

For, "Those who have never learned how to apply the healing Jesus brings to their lives will always hide their sin. Numerous leaders can affirm n teach the significance of redemption, but many in these roles have no idea how to apply their theology to who they are. This gap is harder for leaders to acknowledge bc these leaders have been elevated to positions that r 2 valuable to them 2 risk exposing what is true about themselves." TrueFaced

And you and I can begin to impact others as genuine leaders of true integrity once we adorn the identity of the true self that God has created us as...with all of our faults and failures laid bare. How else will we grow personally? And how else will we influence a nation to face truth...a group of people to embrace the fullness of growth and intimacy in Christ? A family circle to bear one another's burdens and to live life fully beside each other in a love that knows no limits of grace? To truly love...is to truly embrace...all that another encompasses.

If we deny ourselves to lay ALL that we are before the King of Kings...then we deny ourselves the chance to embrace ALL that Christ has to offer us in this life: The fullness of freedom, grace, redemption, intimacy of knowing and being known, growth, influence...we settle for less than. We cheapen our faith at the cost of fear.

Let us be a generation that truly embraces truth...whatever the cost. The subsequent results are priceless.

The Crossmovement:

Forward faith movement. The crossing over of each of our "Jordan's". Here's the deal...recently I've felt like i am situated in a crossroads...like I've gotten the impression that I am sitting on the brink of something...something big. Whenever that something...specifically, something big of God is positioned in front of me, i seem to encounter quite the extremes in spiritual warfare. Ultimately, i believe that Satan feels it coming as well and throws his hardest fastballs at me in order to deter me from embarking on the cross-over through the Jordan and into the Promised Land.

I've had a ministry dream for quite sum time now...and up until recently i have been proactive in moving towards it, with "it" being knowingly in the farther future. I believe that the dream is drawing nearer to being launched upon, and the warfare i have encountered has escalated. Doubt, discouragement, outright disapproval, hatred, extreme testing for extreme costs. Its hard to distinguish the voices and set apart the lies from the truth...but the testing and trials run congruent with a high goal: stepping out in faith in our Father to see heaven brought to earth. For this is the life of one of his children. He does not promise easy, he does however, promise to equip us for the job. To be assigned a task from God...whether big or little...how can we refuse? How could we throw up our hands n say "this is too hard!" and quit...give up...say "Satan, you win!" Ha...i can't. Even tho, as i look at the task conceptually, and as it looks daunting and i am prone to doubt its success or shear possibility, I know-I trust, actually...that whichever mountain God calls me to climb, he is sure to be walking with me...my hand in his.

Sometimes i am tempted to say, "But, God, i just got to this level! Can't i rest here a bit before scaling higher?!". But the truth is, if God has called you to step forward, then you will quickly see that He has already put that longing in your heart for the more of what he has waiting for you. You will become complacent with the now ordinary feeling of the present, and you will no longer be satisfied. Its a cool trick:) Otherwise, we would live stagnant, boring lives that don't dare to reach further to see the impossible become possible. So that's where i've been...in the ancy place of trials, doubts, discerning and laying it all out before my Dad. Cuz i know that i have nothing apart from him, so i have to cling to his strength, courage, and character to lead me through this daily battle of faith. I am forced to have my fears n anxiety comforted by my Father instead of relying on false comforts. I am summoned to a new level of faith. And i accept the challenge. "Be strong and courageous"...I will take Joshua's lead on this one.

It surprises me, though, how quickly i am to consider temptation. Even while i recognize the choice: move forward in the dream, although risky...the promise of the fulfillment of the dream excruciatingly worth it; or take a safe job in an environment that i know...not exactly risky but comfortable. Tempting! But i have been ruined. The comfort of this flesh n world cannot compare to the glory of God's workmanship that i have already seen. While I, unfortunately, will continue to operate with somewhat of a human perspective, and will face times of unrest and a disruption of peace, i know to move forward is the only way. For if we stopped walking in faith every time we had a lack of peace, we would never do anything in obedience to the Lord. The enemy seeks to steal, kill, and destroy. This includes dreams, peace, obedience, etc. I refuse to let him win. God has already aligned so many victories ahead! It is only our job to make that first step forward in obedience. God's miracles and glory are only possible where our power ends. And all those trials....all the doubting, the lies, the resistance and rejection...it will all be worth it, because it will be turned into good for the kingdom of God.

God desires our obedience...yes, for his glory to be displayed, but i think it is also out of his great love for us. He desires that we are able to experience him in all of his fullness...in all he created us to do and to be. He longs for us to long for everything of him. He has so much MORE for us...because he loves.

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For i am convinced, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." ---Romans 8:35, 37-39

Spiritual Manipulation

I could throw down a million n one reasons not to trust, period. But the thing is, i think we are called to risk, and maybe at some point the risk will prove worth it. I have, however, compiled a few tips along the way...

1. Trust. If someone is trying to convince you to trust them right away...or even at all, take it in as a red flag. assurance and convincing, in my point of view, is not necessary; actions should prove themselves. It is manipulative...specially if knowing pertinent past experiences. It is a quite bold statement to say "you can trust me with your life"...and in saying this i believe there is a deeper need trying to be fulfilled within that person. An, "I need you to need me" type of wounded thinking. Basically...it is selfish. Eliciting trust while quoting scripture references is also manipulative. Point is this: you should feel like you can take your time trusting someone, and letting them prove to you that they deserve your trust...or can handle being trusted.

2. Money. If someone is constantly referring to the amount of money you have while at the same time referencing their lack of...and the stress and hardship that the financial situation is having on their relationship with God...there is your second flag. When the person says you should give money to............ or.............. its time to keep your God provision stories to yourself.

3. Dependent Relationships. Tip number 3...if you have witnessed someone habitually entering into extremely unhealthy friendships/relationships in order to "disciple hard-out"...start asking questions. Sorry...this is the farthest thing from good discipleship. you, at no point whatsoever, should ever be made dependent on a single person. Good intentions or not...it is not healthy or helpful. This person has an extreme "savior" complex and will get his/her needs met more than help you in your own walk with God. This person hoards all of your information, past hurts, present struggles...and will lord over you. Another angle to this point: If he/she is constantly complaining only to you about not feeling supported, regardless of how much you have tried to be supportive. That person is relying on you way too much. one person should not be made to feel responsible for someone else' support...nor should someone need to be told constantly that they are supported. It implies a lack of trust from their end. A lack of trust coupled with high demands is dangerous and nothing you do will ever be enough.

4. Incongruity. Spiritual manipulation also occurs when someone is quick and deliberate to preach truth...quote scriptures...state his/her passion for various Godly truths, while actively walking in the opposite way personally. "you should" statements...while the same statements don't seem to run very deeply within the proclaimer. Or...truth telling is a one-way street, where he/she speaks truth to you but you are not to speak truth back. dangerous combination.

I've concluded that working with Christians...within "Christian ministry" is HARD!!! maybe because i was naive in my expectations for Christ-followers. Everyone brings their wounds to the table, Christian or not. The keys are humility and grace...and boundaries. I don't think its wrong, however, to regard your trust as a gift and to discern with careful attention as to who to give it all out to. Thank you, God, that you are more than worthy of ALL of our trust.

Attending To The Wounds

How do we recognize areas of need...places of deep hurt, of fear, pain, and opportunities to offer redemptive hope...?? We look towards the wound. It is easy to find...it is where The Enemy has been staking out his territory. You see, he swarms to wounds like a fly to death. Maybe instead of merely battling him away, we can first follow the wound as well. Attending first to the wounds just makes sense. An analogy i just read in an article paints the picture quite well: If you get cut and the wound is gaping open and the flies are already swarming, you don't go and try to ward off the flies, right? Instead you attend to the wound so that the flies don't have any access...they don't have a way in. Its the same for every other kind of wound. Satan points us right to those that need healing! Or, even within our own selves, we can easily see where we are wounded and need healing because we the first to know where Satan is trying to land and invade. He obviously sees that it is not secure and that he has an opening. Let's be diligent in closing those doors to him...and allowing God to perform only what he can do...the FULL restoration of particular areas of wounding. For the sake of giving God our all...lets not stay broken and less of what we can be for and in Christ.

The more i try to learn and grasp the concept of interdependency, the more i wonder what it would be like to go back to being just dependent on only myself. I would save myself alot of hurt from others. I wouldn't have to give so much of myself or die so often to myself. I wouldn't have to place so much dependency on God! And the truth is...i would regress to a state of former brokenness. Life would be just that: living for myself. Holding back the all of my faith and not truly living for God. I have to remember that this redemptive living is a process. Attending to the wounds is a process...lets not make the mistake of believing the lie that we no longer have any wounds to attend to. Let us take a humble stance in allowing God to examine our hearts and motives...to step into the light so that the darkness has a chance to fade away.

heartbeats of heaven

These are from my camera phone and a lil Picasa photoshop tweekin...wonder what they could look like with sum real graphics technology:) God's beauty is meant to be captured in any and every form. What are sum God-sightings from your week thus far?

Perspective

So, with the last assignment finished, and thankfully so...its on to the next! All i knew is that i was sposed to come back to LA after Christmas break, but i wasn't sure as to where or what i would be up to. I was praying this weekend...pleading with God to hand me sum of his vision...and this is what i got: "stop trying to work it all out...just praise me and i will take care of it" lol. So praise him i did, and Monday i got my answers. I know...quick, right?! Here is what i will be up to for the next...however long:

I will be working alongside the YWAM Los Angeles Urban Team. The team is beginning the pioneering process of moving into the projects of Pacoima. I will be helping in the creation of training programs, tapping into my educational knowledge and using those brain cells that cost so much to train lol. Another project that the team is working on is to compile knowledge and insight into surrounding gangs: reasons for becoming involved, behaviors, perceptions, beliefs, etc. The goals: to learn and gain as much insight into the gang cultures so as to best be prepared to work alongside them; to begin building contacts and relationships with community members and members of gangs; and also so as to create a book full of personal stories, pictures and disclosures of the gang life for the means of creating widespread awareness. I believe that you have the most authority in speaking into someone's life if you are best possibly educated in the inner workings of their life. And who better to ask about it all than the people themselves who are actually living the life out? These are people that we feel called to minister to, the "least of society" and these are the people that we will begin to connect with. The book project will require writing and photography, graphic arts and sum creativity skills. Ha...i wanted to work with street kids...i got my wish:)

So thats whats up with the ministry side of my life. I'm stoked! Its a nice feeling to once again have some feeling of purpose, and it is cool to me how God always seems to confirm with full clarity what i need to be pursuing next.

To download a lil from the deeper depths of my right brain, lol:

I've been reading in 1 Corinthians today, ya know that Love Chapter of 13? Its pretty tight, but its seriously CRAZINESS!! This is the line that gets me, verse 7/8 "Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails". That verse totally blows my mind. ALWAYS TRUSTS AND HOPES???!!! are you serious??!! what does this even look like for the people and situations in my life? What exactly does trust and hope look like Biblically? I don't even know to say anything about it and i definitely need more understanding on it, but its a tight verse to tear apart and i think we prolly all could use to chew it apart a lil more. Its funny, though, something i did realize in worship the other day...i noticed that i had quite a lot easier time praising and worshipping God with songs that proclaimed MY love for HIM...but when it came to singing songs that proclaimed HIS love for ME...now that took me aback a bit. Still. It is still so hard for me to comprehend. God's love NEVER FAILS. I want more of that kind of love. When people see my love, i want them to be able to see Christ.

Peace n love to all of you supporting me...championing God in me. Please continue to remember me in your prayers, and to send me your own prayers and updates!

Forgiveness Preceeds Repentance:

An easily typed out title...not so easy to live out. But it is the living out of our faith that is the best indicator of its genuinuity...not the words that spill out from our lips. This world...it does us wrong over and over again, the effects of living within a fallen earth. but that is a statement, not a response. How are we going to choose to respond when we are wronged...better yet...when repentance is not offered? This is the real challenge of Christian growth...the challenge of personal responsibility. For we have been given the ultimate example, the principles of our very faith rest on this foundation: the gospel of grace. In the Christian world, the sinner is accepted before he pleads for mercy. BEFORE. Forgiveness, therefore, is already granted and the sinner only needs to accept it. We have been pardoned without plea-bargaining. How then could we, being pardoned of all sin, hold anything against another? Its outragious. And yet, we are so prone to doing so! We hang on to entitlement...we hold fast to our pride and attending to our own wounds...we are our own god---the judge, jury and decider of justice. We trust no one but ourself...to carry out justice and to repair and comfort our injured soul. Yet, we read that we can not love two masters. God's love rages with jealousy and rightfully so, because we have been bought with a price. The cost was perfect love. Do you think you are capable of perfect love? I sure don't think i am...and so, i will lay down my "rights"...the tainted image of my expectations of what righteousness should look like, and i will choose to trust that my God has the better vision. I will choose to take responsibility in responding like-minded in Christ---choosing to pardon even when it hurts. It is easy, once again, to preach about forgivenes...but are we ready to really walk with Christ? Jesus asks us if we are able to drink of his cup...To take up our cross and put some actions to our words. And i ask myself, once again, who is really Lord of my life?? Let us not allow our lives to refute our faith.

The Fight or Flight Response

Whats your first instinct when faced with challenge and hardship...entering a tunnel in which you have no idea of the layout? Whatchu think....ya wanna run? Or ya wanna stay n perservere? I have been in such a tunnel for the last 4 months, and i'm entering a new turn in the same tunnel---without a ton of understanding or explanation. I don't know what the next stretch of my life will look like. And i'ma tell ya the truth...i've felt the intense urge to run on multiple occasions...to switch up locations n scenery...say see ya later to people that have betrayed me...to habitual problems and stress that have closed in on me...to run from it all. But with as much of a desire that ive had to run from all the drama and crap, ive suprisingly been overwhelmed by a God that fights for me...that equips me to withstand...that challenges me to perservere. It is a humbling walk, this faith life...and if you're not willing to drop yaself to your knees then you'll either be pushed there or you will crumble on your own. I think i'll take the first option. This following God thing is not about me...its not about feeling good--not about doing whats easy--or preserving myself...its about glorifying God IN EVERYTHING. I refuse to give in to satan and run...i won't let him throw me off of the plan God has laid out for me...he can't withstand my God. So in the darkness of uncertainty...in those times that i don't understand...even in those moments when satan's hate threatens to overtake and he seems to be winning the fight---i will remain in Christ, because the war has already been won. Im not leavin till God tells me otherwise. I'm choosing to trust that he has my best...that he knows better than my screwed up self. I'm anchoring down in the truth that i know and i'm standing strong, ready to fight. And when God calls me on to my next assignment...then i'll be more than ready to sprint forward...not in a self-sabbotage of defeat or preservation but in self-assurance of Godly obedience.

Satan's right on my tail...he's been chasin me for a minute now...but i'm no longer scared...no longer running away. I am armed. The longer i act in obedient faith...the stronger my defense becomes. With God as my Savior...of whom can i be afraid? I have seen him act in my defense. I have felt the unsurpassable peace flood through me in times of complete doubt and crippling pain. I have seen him move...i have felt his presence of love and righteous anger...justice and mercy. He is what my hope rests on...and he will never fail me. so together we will continue fighting...for life is what's on the table...and life is what this world needs. This world doesn't need any more Christians living to promote themselves...speaking words of truth but failing to act in them. They don't need any more masked righteousness...they need life, and the only way to show them true life is to live fully in Christ---to drop to our knees---that is how we begin to fight.