Round two:) Sorry but i gotta get sum of these thoughts outta my head because too much information is coming in and i gotta filter sum out to make room lol.
So...here we go...Here are sum of what has been going on in my life the past couple weeks...
Finances. Money. Loans. AHHH!! Just hearing and actually just writing out those words causes major panicking within my head and the kind of anxiousness that you would feel right before taking an important final exam. there is so much negativity attached to these words for me. On wednesdays we have a faith n finances optional fasting of lunch. well...for me it automatically becomes breakfast and lunch lol. anyways...I was deferring loans 2 wednesdays ago...and was going to go into the prayer and fasting group time, but was freaking out from discussing the word money with loan people, so i decided to breathe and take sum time alone with my Daddy. I was thinking...dang, why the heck am i here in LA...learning how to best put my ministry visions into play...if i have no chance at making it a reality?
The way i was seeing it was that my student loan debt was standing in the way from what the Lord is calling me to. Tangibly it is in the way...but then again...is it really in God's way?? Is anything really bigger than God?! Is anything really an unmovable obstacle for Him?? As i was walking and praying out aloud (people passing by prolly thot i was psychotic) lol...He hit me with these words: "What is it really going to cost you to have true faith?" And my sudden realization: It will cost me nothing...in terms of wordly money...it will cost me everything in terms of laying down my freaking fear.
This is what i have to give up: The embedded lie that my life is not of real value and worth to the 'mission field'; that i have not earned the gift of grace and lavishing of the fulfillment of my dreams; that i'm not good enough to pursue the passions that God has laid so heavily on my heart; i have to lay down the thought (lie) that God will not provide for me in this way; that He has better people to choose and to invest in....that He is not more powerful than debt. I realized that i had to choose...yes, once again...God is urging me to choose. To choose Him over Me. The reality of WHO He is....and the reality of the lies that i so easily hold on to and let myself get held back by.
This enlightening of his power and love for me is surprisingly overwhelming for me...it means i have responsibility to act of truth. to pick my feet up out of this sludge...and continue to pursue...with ALL OUT FAITH...that which God has laid before me, and how he has laid out each step for me. I am not in control!! haha...ahh...its so scarey...why? I suck at life when i try n take control...why is it so frightening to give it up? Oh God...help me!! Help me to give this life up as yours. ALL of me...not just a part. You are not just Lord over my Sundays or worship times...you are Lord over every freaking area of my life. Take it. Continue to help me walk this out...my Daddy...my Provider.
oh...forgot to mention: the week following this revelation was entitled "Faith & Finances" during lecture LOL. Does God have a sense of humor or what??!
Sorry...for all you practical and realistic thinkers:)....yeah this means simply that i am learning to have trust and this kind of radical faith in every part---meaning even in my finances part---of my life. SO...right now i am not totally sure of the next steps...of HOW God will choose to provide for me...but i'm thinkin its gunna be pretty radical:) cuz thats my life. and thats my God that i serve. haha...He blows my mind. So i will continue to pursue HIM....and He will direct my steps. This may mean pursuing Him...pleasing him over people...i don't know. it usually does!
Pray for me, PLEASE. particularly for direction; boldness of faith and pursuit; walking out his will at whatever the particular cost; and strength in obedience.
Thank you. I could not live this life without the encouragement, and truth in love/guidance that i receive from so many!!!
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